How to divorce-proof your summer

Yes, yes, isn't it lovely. The sun belting down. All that. But unofficially we're all aware that a hot British summer, an actual 'it's going to hit 30C' summer that doesn't start on a Monday and stop on a Thursday, places strain on the average marriage on a par with those other legendary stress points, Christmas and moving house.
Only, the difference with summer marital stress is that it's never acknowledged because there can be no downside to summer in a country that doesn't get much sun. Although now that that looks like it's a thing of the past, there's all the more reason we should get divorce-proofing summer asap. Let's start with the obvious stress points to be aware of:
In films, hot summer nights are hot in every sense. IRL they are the stifling, sleep-depriving No 1 enemy of marital harmony. They make you regret everything from the position of your bedroom (south-facing on a main road) to all your life choices (much later on in the night), including your choice of life partner.
The fact is you will have talked about your infernally hot bedroom the last time you were lying awake with wet flannels on your faces. At that point there was a plan in place to solve the problem for ever (ceiling fan plus Dyson) and then it cooled down suddenly and, unbeknown to us, the funds were allocated to a bigger TV.
What women feel in these circs is that we are sharing a bed in a hellhole with someone who doesn't care and is unreliable. See how this can go?
• Read more expert advice on sex, relationships, dating and love
We're fine on holiday when we can wear the floaty thing and flip-flops and sit on a veranda, but we're living our normal lives in this oven. It's harder to juggle work and motherhood and public transport and parent care in a hot summer, and if you want to maintain your dignity it involves twice as much effort and financial outlay.
Being a woman in the heat means endless expenditure (hair removal! Pedicures!) and rinsing out and crisping up and rotating heat-appropriate footwear. It means a gulf of envy opening up between the women who drift around looking at ease with a smooth ponytail and a dry upper lip and the rest of us, who look as if we're sitting on a smelter.
And the point is women in this state feel under pressure (bloody everyone is on Mounjaro! Gwyneth Paltrow is cooking topless in boxer shorts! Sixtysomething women are wearing bikinis!), defensive and disappointed in their lot. Tinderbox.
High summer comes with expectations and memories of the time when you pottered around in a string bikini, eating figs, and your husband was forever whisking you off for a largely bed and a bit of beach summer hol.
Now if you go on a holiday (and you may not; see gardening, below) it must involve a bicycle with a very narrow seat; a battlefield tour (Waterloo?); some serious hiking to somewhere of cultural significance; padel in the heat of the day; or learning how to make polenta. This leaves us feeling old and heifery (we agreed to it but whatever) and mourning our lost youth and all the lie-ins and attention we used to get.
• The new summer holiday etiquette
Will basically be in their element (very annoying).
• They get ultra cooking ambitious (should be welcome but not really because it always involves a last-minute frenzied drive around in search of black garlic and preserved lemons).
• They get the barbecue out (too many frustrations to list, culminating in always lighting it too early or too late, and most importantly not being able to contribute anything else because they are 'watching the barbecue'). More work for us.
• They get experimental fun times in the clothes department, which means anything from Brad Pittish louche combinations (seersucker jacket, yellow trousers) to Brian Wilson tribute outfits (big shorts, Hawaiian shirt) or maybe a towelling polo shirt and some off-white jeans. Either way (see 'women feel like heifers', above) it feels passive-aggressive. They often spend money you might have spent on your wedding dress on a pair of sunglasses.
• They get David Beckham fiefdom ideas. Maybe not the beekeeping, maybe not the roses of kings, but they may fancy a pizza oven and growing vegetables and … now they are serious gardeners and that's what's happening in any spare moment. Used to be 'Sorry, got to sort out this work thing'; now it's 'Sorry, need to do something in the garden'.
• They go entertainment crazy and are constantly suggesting the Whatsits come over for an alfresco supper for which they will rustle up several 100 per cent home-grown courses (apart from the cheese, but never say never). Again, should be great news for their partners but feels undermining since all anyone now talks about is his green fingers and cooking and how nice he has made everything look. And it's not just us: Posh is dealing with David's summer garden boy phase, and note, she doesn't have time for fannying around thinning the lettuces either.
• They are never off the mower. It's like a man cave but mobile, and they have ear defenders so …
• … they get a birdsong app. Lovely. But you never hear the end of it. They may stop you in mid-sentence when you're explaining the emergency with your mother's carer and say: 'Sssh … goldfinch.' Bottom line: your needs are no longer being met because it's all about summer.
• How to get divorced: can anyone even afford to split up any more?
• Drinking at lunch. We used to be good at this; now it means we have to sleep all afternoon and most of the next day, and in between we may feel in the mood for a fight. • Too much exposure to Mr and Mrs Mounjaro.• Missing a highlighting appointment (in the mistaken belief that it's summer and it will take care of itself).• Trying on a bikini if have not worn a bikini since before lockdown.
• Letting it be known that you have no interest in going anywhere now that the garden (veg) is in full flight.• Suddenly taking an interest in cooking (after all these years of saying you were only a scrambled eggs man) and taking over.• Wearing sandals but not bothering to sort out your feet.• Refusing to wear suncream and burning. Applying suncream carelessly to wife so that she burns.• Being extremely complimentary about your neighbour Susie's new 'shape'.• Falling in love with the mower, barbecue, vegetable patch, birds, bird.

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