I can't wait to get a Trump Mobile gold phone to pay respect to my MAGA king

As a devoted supporter of President Donald Trump, you can imagine the joy I felt when I read that The Trump Organization is launching a mobile phone service featuring a classy (fake) gold smartphone.
For far too long, my ability to show support for President Trump and the MAGA movement has been limited to hats, shirts, hoodies, beer koozies, key fobs, glassware, flags, pickleball paddles, footballs, ties, socks, aprons, beach towels, sunglasses, wallets, soft-cover journals, flip-flops, sneakers and tote bags. That has understandably left me feeling incomplete, thinking: 'If only I had a Trump phone to complete the look.'
Well, now that problem will be solved for the low, low price of $499 plus a monthly mobile-service charge and, who knows, maybe a recurring donation to a Trump super PAC or something fun like that. (I can afford it because, to honor Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., I've stopped taking expensive blood-pressure medication and started drinking raw milk and a potent cocktail of horse dewormer and Brazilian toad urine.)
'Hard-working Americans' deserve an overpriced Trump phone
Eric Trump said in a statement on June 16: 'Hard-working Americans deserve a wireless service that's affordable, reflects their values, and delivers reliable quality they can count on.'
Need a break? Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle.
Amen, Eric! I am a hard-working American and need a wireless service I know will be backed up by the kind of longevity we expect from Trump-branded business ventures ‒ with the exception of Trump Steak, Trump Shuttle airline, various Trump casinos, Trump University, Trump Magazine, Trump Mortgage and Trump Vodka.
Those all went away because the libs hate America.
Is Trump getting rich off the presidency? What an absurd allegation.
And speaking of libs, some are already getting bent out of shape about Trump Mobile.
The Associated Press is unfairly reporting this accurate information: 'Trump has already used the federal government to reward his allies and punish his enemies. The Federal Communications Commission, the primary regulatory body overseeing mobile phone companies, has already launched investigations of media outlets Trump dislikes and, in some cases, is personally suing.'
Panicky Harvard law professor Lawrence Lessig told The Washington Post that Trump's sure-to-be-awesome new phone business makes the chance of the president using his office to enrich himself 'more extreme than anything we've seen in the history of the United States government.'
YES! Trump is quite literally the best at EVERYTHING.
Lessig added: 'This is the sort of thing you'd see in a banana republic.' Which is fantastic, because I love bananas.
Trump Mobile phones will maybe kind of be made in America-ish
A partner in the Trump Mobile operation, Pat O'Brien, said during the launch: 'We are going to be doing phones that we are going to build in America.'
To which Eric Trump later added: 'Eventually all the phones can be built in the United States of America.'
I am personally PUMPED at the thought of owning a phone that might eventually, perhaps one day, be made in America.
Though this particular phone, according to tech reporters and analysts, appears to be made in China and is going for about $170 on Amazon.
However, that version isn't gold and doesn't have Trump's name on it … checkmate, radical leftist fact-gatherers.
I want President Trump to have all my data
I suggest everyone ignore lamestream-media reporting on this magnificent new product and consider my top reasons for wanting a glistening gold, maybe-it-will-someday-be-made-in-America Trump Mobile phone:
MY president already has access to virtually all my most private data, so why not make his life easier by delivering the rest? There's no one I would trust more with my location, my passwords and financial information, my text messages and recordings of my phone calls than Donald J. Trump and his abundantly ethical family.
I assume the T1 Trump Mobile phone will come equipped with a Marxist Radical Tracker App that alerts me if I'm in the presence of any potential leftists who might rudely roll their eyes at my phone or offer me affordable health care.
For the $499 sticker price plus the $47.45 per month service plan, it's likely the Trump Mobile package will provide us ‒ for an added fee, of course ‒ with 24/7 access to Donald Trump Jr., in case we just need to talk or share a story about libs destroying America and all we hold dear. I've seen no evidence that Trump Jr. sleeps, so this seems a perfect fit.
You America-hating losers can keep using your non-Trump phones and letting Big Tech know everything about you. I'm switching to a Trump phone, safe in the knowledge my personal information will be in the hands of the one entity Republicans like me have always trusted: the federal government.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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