Here's the No. 1 phrase dads 'hate hearing' on Father's Day, says parenting expert—what to say instead
As a child, I was often curious about my father's absence. My mother navigated those awkward questions with grace, never speaking negatively of him, even on Father's Day. She'd soften the truth without burdening me with the complexities of his situation: "He loves you, even if you can't see him."
Her words resonated deeply, illuminating feelings I didn't fully comprehend until I became a father myself. Now, as a therapist and the author of "Present: The Crisis of American Fatherhood and the Power of Showing Up," I've dedicated over a decade to supporting fathers who want to reconnect with their kids.
Many of these dads are often misunderstood. They face barriers like divorce, incarceration, substance use, unemployment and mental health challenges. A common narrative paints them as uncaring simply because they aren't physically present.
So let's pause and challenge this assumption. One phrase I hate hearing on Father's Day is, "You should step it up." (A similar one is, "Why aren't you more present?") Instead, we should acknowledge these fathers. A simple gesture can go a long way: "You are important, and we celebrate you today. Support is here if you ask for it."
Here are a few things I've learned over the last decade in working with dads.
It's tempting to join the chorus of voices that equate physical absence with emotional unavailability or lack of interest. Yet, if we take a moment to reflect on that first time we held our children, we realize that no father dreams of being apart from their child, especially on special days like Father's Day.
For many dads, the day is a painful reminder of their absence, and acknowledging them can provide a much-needed lifeline. As a therapist, it would be remiss of me not to say that it is okay to go to therapy as a man.
Just like athletes rely on coaches and teammates, parents need their own support systems.
Do you have someone to call when you're feeling under the weather? If not, consider finding a trusted doctor. Do you have a friend you can lean on when you're feeling down? If not, think about reaching out someone you've always felt comfortable talking to.
Every parent, especially fathers facing challenges, benefits from a supportive community. Parenting isn't something we can do effectively in isolation.
For many, this involves grappling with past choices, regrets and the journey toward reconciliation.
Instead of labeling themselves as "bad fathers," many dads might shift their narrative to: "I am an imperfect father who tries my best." This re-translation of self-perception is crucial for healing. They might acknowledge, "I've made mistakes, but I'm working on making things right."
When you confront your past, you can set the stage for growth and connection.
Recent studies, including a working paper from economists at the University of California, Merced, the U.S. Census Bureau and the University of Maryland, reveal the profound effects parental separation has on children, particularly due to divorce.
Factors such as lost financial resources, changes in neighborhood quality and reduced parental involvement account for a significant portion of the negative outcomes children face. Despite the challenges, one truth remains: Separated or struggling parents, whether mothers or fathers, always want the best for their children.
Two narratives can coexist — one of struggle and one of care. Dads may be distant for various reasons, but that doesn't mean they don't love and want to support their children. Recognizing the duality in these stories enables us to approach Father's Day with empathy and understanding.
Let's rewrite the narrative surrounding fathers, especially those who are struggling or absent. Let's offer recognition and support. A simple acknowledgment can remind these fathers that their roles matter and that they are not alone in their journey.
By understanding that all fathers, regardless of their struggles, want to do their best for their children, we can help create an environment where all dads feel valued and supported.
Such acknowledgment transforms Father's Day into a celebration not just of fathers, but of the unbreakable bond of love and dedication they strive to uphold even in their weakest moments.
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Cannabis and heart health In their analysis, researchers looked at 24 studies published between January 2016 and January 2023 that included about 200 million people. The study participants were mostly between the ages of 19 and 59. Cannabis use tended to be more frequent in males and in younger people. The researchers said their analysis of that data revealed that cannabis use doubled the risk of dying from cardiovascular disease. They also reported that people who used cannabis had a 29% higher risk of acute coronary syndrome, a condition that causes sudden reduced or blocked blood flow to the heart, as well as a 20% higher risk of stroke. The researchers acknowledged that many of the studies they analyzed lacked information on missing data and had imprecise measures of cannabis exposure. Most of the studies were also observational. Nonetheless, their analysis comes less than a month after another study concluded that chronic use of cannabis is associated with a higher risk of endothelial dysfunction, a type of non-obstructive coronary artery disease in which there are no heart artery blockages but the large blood vessels on the heart's surface constrict instead of dilating. In addition, another analysis from earlier this year reported that cannabis users were six times more likely to have a heart attack than non-users. A 2024 study concluded that people who use cannabis to treat chronic pain had a higher risk of atrial fibrillation and other forms of heart arrhythmia. The researchers in the new analysis say their findings are particularly important because the use of cannabis has soared in recent years. They also note that the potency of the drug has increased. There was no delineation in the analysis, however, on the risks of smoking cannabis compared to ingesting it. Cheng-Han Chen, MD, an interventional cardiologist and medical director of the Structural Heart Program at MemorialCare Saddleback Medical Center in California, said both methods may present health risks. Chen wasn't involved in the study. 'It is thought that ingesting THC increases systolic absorption of the chemical when compared to smoking THC and thus results in greater adverse effects,' he told Healthline. 'However, cannabis smoke comes with a separate set of health concerns, as the smoke contains many carcinogens and mutagens similar to tobacco smoke.' Ziva Cooper, the director of the UCLA Center for Cannabis and Cannabinoids, said the frequency someone uses cannabis, as well as the dosage, are also important factors. Cooper was likewise not involved in the study. She noted that new research is starting to show there are mental health risks to frequent cannabis use. One of those is cannabis use disorder, a condition that is estimated to affect 30% of people who use the substance. 'There are new risks that are emerging that weren't even on the radar,' Cooper told Healthline. She added cannabis can also impair people's ability to drive as well as impair their cognitive abilities. 'These are things that can affect a person's everyday life,' Cooper said. Defending cannabis use Paul Armentano, the deputy director of NORML, a non-profit that advocates for the responsible use of cannabis, acknowledges there are studies that report health risks associated with cannabis use. Armentano wasn't involved in the study. However, he told Healthline there are others who conclude there is no risk or even a decreased risk of cardiovascular disease from cannabis use. These include a 2023 study, a 2020 study, and a 2023 meta-analysis. 'In short, while tobacco smoke exposure's role in cardiovascular disease is well established, the potential role of cannabis smoke is not,' Armentano said. 'Nonetheless, persons wishing to mitigate their intake of cannabis smoke can do so via the use of herbal vaporizers, which heat cannabinoids to the point of activation but below the point of combustion.' Armentano cited studies in 2006 and 2007 that reported no health effects from vaporization. Some research has reported on some overall health benefits derived from cannabis use. A 2023 study concluded that medical cannabis can improve the quality of life for some people with chronic pain. Other research has reported that cannabis can be helpful to people with depression, social anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). There are also indications that cannabis products can help ease the side effects of cancer treatments. Talking with your doctor about cannabis In their editorial, Glantz and Silver encourage medical professionals to become leaders in cannabis education. 'There is an important role for public health and public policy in addressing the risks identified [in the new analysis],' they wrote. 'While the trend toward legalization is established, that does not mean that the risks of cannabis use should be minimized or its use encouraged.' Page said he takes cannabis use into consideration when assessing his patients' cardiovascular health. 'While many of the current cardiovascular risk calculators do not include smoking cannabis into their algorithms, I do include it (just like smoking cigarettes) when assessing patients' cardiovascular risk and consider it just as powerful a risk factor as smoking cigarettes,' he said. Page added that people should be informed about the many potential health issues of cannabis use before deciding whether to use it. 'Know the risks and talk to your primary care provider before considering any use, medical or recreational. Many younger adults feel invincible and have the belief that 'This will not happen to me' or 'I could never develop cannabis use disorder.' However, it does and can occur,' he said. 'For older adults, I caution them regarding potential drug-drug interactions as both THC [tetrahydrocannabinol] and CBD [cannabidiol] can have effects on a large majority of medications, both pharmacokinetically and pharmacodynamically,' Page added. Chen agrees that patients need to educate themselves about cannabis before trying it. 'Any form of cannabis use does involve some risk to your health. Everyone must decide for themselves how much risk they want to expose themselves to,' said Chen. 'I would advise people to avoid smoking cannabis, as the smoke can directly harm the lungs. Also, patients with known pre-existing cardiovascular disease or with cardiovascular risk factors should consider avoiding cannabis use in general, given the potential harm to heart health,' he added. Cooper noted that cannabis has 500 different chemical components, so its effects can vary greatly from person to person.
