19 "Normal" Aspects Of Modern Dating That Are Actually TOXIC AF
Let's be honest: Dating has never been easy. However, there are modern-day challenges, whether due to social media, pop culture expectations, or even generational differences, that are making it more difficult than ever before...
That's why when Redditor u/JustLittleGirl_ asked, "What's something people pretend is normal in modern dating, but is actually insanely toxic when you think about it?" people of all ages flooded the comments with the "normal" aspects of dating that are actually unhealthy. Here are 19 of their most insightful responses:
If there are any modern dating behaviors you think are toxic, you can tell us about them using this anonymous form!
1."Recording your partner for pranks or 'relationship tests' for social media."
—u/Jazzlike-Success8207
"I saw a video where someone recorded a prank conversation telling her partner that it was time for a divorce, and thought, 'What the hell is wrong with people?'
I could NEVER be in a relationship with someone who did stuff like that."
—u/porkless_roll
2."Tracking each other's every movement."
—u/Ginnylala
"I've been out of the dating game for over a decade, but my students (high school) have their significant others on Life360 and apparently track them constantly.
I had one student completely melt down because her boyfriend had accidentally left his phone at home, and she didn't know exactly where he was at that exact moment."
—u/huntfishcamp
3."No-label 'situationships.' No one is asking you to get married on your second date, but at least figure out the status of the relationship."
—u/Jesus-God-Cornbread
"My friend was recently telling me about her 'situationship': She and her partner hang out multiple times a week and talk on the phone and FaceTime often. She's been on three trips with him to visit family (a wedding, Thanksgiving, and Christmas), and both of their families ask when they're getting married, etc.
I told her she's just in a relationship."
—u/Purple-Warning-2161
4."It seems to me that society is beginning to view apps as the only viable way of meeting potential partners. The rules now seem to be: Don't date colleagues or friends, and don't approach anyone organically because they want to be alone, just use the apps and let the algorithm designed to maximize profits decide who you should date. We're now judging others based on a few pictures, their bio, a quirky fact, a love language, and an opening move."
"I'm not talking about pickup artists and how to get someone's number BS, I'm talking about actual encounters and seeing someone frequently enough to ask them out because you feel a connection — it seems like this is being frowned upon more and more. We don't see other people as dateable, unless we stumble upon them through an emotionless algorithm.
I think this leads to loneliness because it also makes people stop committing. Something minor might suddenly become an 'ick,' so you ghost them and find the next one before even discussing it."
—u/Inevitable_Review388
5."The expectation to respond to texts immediately. It's like you constantly owe your partner your undivided time and attention."
—u/victrolasparkling
"My partner is like this, and honestly, I hate it. When I'm working and not on my phone or doing something with friends, she complains I don't message her, and I'm like, 'Yeah, because I'm out with other people.' Aside from maybe a quick update (which I also don't think is needed), what else does she want me to say?
I also find that texting or messaging all the time ensures there's nothing to talk about in person. If we've talked all day over texts, what do we talk about when we get home?"
—u/setokaiba22
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6."Nowadays, it's seen as a red flag if you don't live on social media. I have some apps, but most feel pointless, and that takes me out of the running for a fair amount of people."
—u/Pink_Flash
"I deleted a social media app in 2020 because it had gotten toxic. I redownloaded it in 2023, but have kept a low profile. The number of guys I've come across who look at me strangely or stop pursuing me because of my low follower count is wild, but it weeds out the ones I wouldn't even want to date, so I don't care."
—u/bageltoastar
7."Dating multiple people at the same time and not even trying to take the time to get to know one person before moving on. People act as if dating as many people as possible is the right way to find their partner."
—u/jimmyFunz
"Date someone until you know whether or not you want it to continue, and if you don't, move on. A friends of mine once dated five guys at the same time. I wasn't even the one dating them, and it drove ME nuts. She wasn't really getting to know any of them because she couldn't focus long enough on just one."
—u/TheChallengeMTV
8."Performing for each other instead of being real. People feel pressure to be endlessly witty, effortlessly cool, or emotionally detached, like dating is a game of whoever cares less wins. It's exhausting and kind of dehumanizing."
—u/Optimal_Piano_23
"The number one thing I tell people entering a new relationship is: You need the 'sweatpants test.'
If you can't have a good time relaxing with someone on the couch watching TV and eating snacks in a t-shirt and sweatpants, you aren't going to last.
It is easy to be charming during short meals, sporting events, and other outings, but that is mostly performative."
—u/DataDude00
9."Publicly posting your lover's quarrel. People actually have the gall to embarrass their partner on social media and post it like it's nothing!"
—u/Secret_Answer9855
"These days, it is safe to assume that any messages between you and your partner might be screenshotted and shared. I experienced this recently, and I found it to be bizarre."
—u/B4K5c7N
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10."Expecting sex on the first date and not even considering anyone who won't immediately consent. This behavior pressures people into feeling like they have to have sex even if they don't want to do it."
—u/Sen_H
"There is nothing wrong with having sex when you feel comfortable, but no one should feel pressured to give it up immediately if they don't want to do it...and that's not even discussing the risks of STIs."
—u/B4K5c7N
11."Ghosting."
—u/UsualClue3638
"Yes, people need to grow the f*ck up, use their words like an adult, and just tell the other person they're not interested anymore. They don't have to give a reason, explain, or give any detail at all, just let their partner know they're done.
This is, by far, my biggest pet peeve in dating."
—u/ranchojasper
12."All the 'one size fits all' theories — personality types, feminine/masculine energies, love languages, twin spirits, soulmates, attachment styles, etc."
"Some of it is total BS, and most of it is made up by unqualified people. It can be somewhat useful, I guess, but not as an ironclad, unchanging rule of who you are as a person."
—u/Imaginary-Owl-3759
13."Expecting someone to end their friendships with people of the opposite gender. I know there are people who believe men and women can't be just friends, but in my opinion, we can, especially when there are healthy boundaries and everyone is mature and respectful."
"When I date someone, am I supposed to be like, 'Yes, let me just immediately drop this person I've been friends with for years because you're insecure?' I don't think so."
—u/actively_snazzy
14."'Ick' culture."
"I get that people will have certain things they don't like in a potential romantic partner, but breaking people down into individual characteristics that you deem worthy (or not) of your time is massively unhealthy and contributes to the general feeling of loneliness so many young people admit to.
The term is an 'ick' in itself."
—u/vagabond_bull
15."Therapy speak and the whole 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.' Grow up and be better for your partner."
"Nobody is perfect, but being a mess all the time and expecting someone else to constantly bear the brunt of it makes you a sh*tty person."
—u/Trick-Upstairs-5469
16."Looking through a partner's phone. Not only does it violate the privacy of a partner's loved ones, but it also shows that the person snooping is jealous and mistrustful. When I text you, I am texting YOU, not your partner. I don't want my friends' partners looking through our text messages."
—u/JenningsWigService
"My friends and family share deeply personal things in our texts, and I've never let anyone convince me to share them. The two people who asked to go through my phone were promptly dumped for being suspicious of me.
If my partner doesn't respect my friends, then they don't have a place in my life."
—u/K4Y__4LD3R50N
17."Testing people instead of just being honest."
—u/luna-peaches
"I once sat on the sofa with one of my (now) exes and assisted her while she wrote a pro/con list about me and gave examples for both categories. At the time, I didn't think anything of it, but afterwards I was like, 'Wait, WTF?'"
—u/Mr_Dale
18."Sending nudes or risqué pictures to people you barely know. Would you walk up to a stranger on the street and strip down? No. Then why do it for a total stranger online?"
—u/boobsmagoobs
"Also, asking for pics (of any kind) constantly is a huge pet peeve of mine. It's like, why don't you actually see me in person and spend time with me? If you play your cards right, I'm more likely to get naked..."
—u/Apprehensive-Data869
19."I think many people pretend 'breadcrumbing' is normal, but it is actually super toxic. It's when someone gives you just enough attention or flirtatious signals to keep you interested, but never commits or moves things further. It can be emotionally draining, and it really messes with your head."
—u/Alive_Nebula_2463
"I fell for this a lot when I was younger. Eventually, I learned the hard way to just ask someone for their number, make plans, and follow through, hopefully THAT week, but never more than two weeks later. Most of the time, if a potential partner couldn't make time for me, they were trying to 'breadcrumb' or use me for validation, so I knew I was too far down their list.
Many would hit me up a few weeks or months later, and I would tell them I was no longer interested. They all had stories of how sorry they were and how busy they were, but very few were telling the truth. Most had been used by previous partners, and I now feel bad for how insecure they were and how that drove their chaotic lives.
They were as exhausting as they are emotionally unavailable."
—u/Mink_Mingles
Did any of these toxic dating behaviors surprise you? What is an unhealthy behavior you feel has been normalized in modern dating? Tell us in the comments or answer anonymously using the form below!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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