Parents' Social Dilemma—Is It Ever OK To Bring an Uninvited Sibling to a Birthday Party?
As a mom of six, I am constantly juggling schedules: I'll drop this one at dance class on my way to taking my other one to swim practice. And then my husband can take our son to the birthday party—but what to do with our preschooler and the baby?
Given my daily balancing act, when I recently received an invitation that said siblings were welcome to join the celebration, I breathed a sigh of relief. For once, I didn't have to worry about what to do with my littles so that an older kiddo could attend a party.
It's a delicate scenario for parents to navigate, and one that's getting a lot of attention on the parenting community forum Mumset, based out of the United Kingdom, where one parent asked a key question.
"Am I being unreasonable to think it's outrageous to bring a sibling to a party and then put them on the table to eat with all the kids that were actually invited. Then take cake and party bag for them!? I would never do this but I don't know if I'm being mean about it."
In a poll on the post, 95% voted that this parent is NOT being unreasonable. Supporters of the original poster commented:
"People who do that are very entitled. It's almost like invites need to have a disclaimer on them."
"I think even asking if the siblings can come is cheeky."
Agree - really bad manners to do this.
But other commenters raise a very valid point: child care. It's just not always possible to have someone else look after a sibling while your other child attends the party. That's where our experts come in.
Wondering if siblings can tag along to a birthday party is a relatable dilemma for many busy parents. According to experts, the answer depends on many factors, such as how well you know the host, the venue, and the age of the birthday child.
Of course, Genevieve Dreizen, a modern-day etiquette and boundaries expert and COO and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, says when in doubt, a good rule of thumb is just to bring the child who is invited.
But if you find yourself in a bind with child care, clear, honest communication is the best policy—just don't wait until the last minute. You want to allow the host time to plan ahead, according to Olivia Pollock, Evite's Etiquette & Hosting Expert.
'It's totally OK to say something like, 'We'd love to come, but I don't have childcare that day—would it be okay if I brought little Joey?'' she tells Parents.
Just be sure to respect the host's wishes.
'While some hosts lean into 'the more the merrier,' others might have specific budgets or be limited due to venue space,' Pollock says.
Remember, cautions Dreizen, the host has a lot on their plate with planning and throwing the party, and whether you can find child care shouldn't add to their burden.
That said, according to Jo Hayes, etiquette and parenting consultant, speech-language pathologist, and founder of EtiquetteExpert.Org, when it's a party for younger children, a host may know to expect that siblings may attend.
'If it's for a 4-year-old, with parents expected or likely to stay, there's a strong likelihood the invitation is somewhat 'open,' with younger siblings potentially welcome,' she says.
We all make mistakes!
If you show up to a party with a sibling and it feels awkward, again, be honest. 'Apologize to the host, and let them know you miscalculated,' Dreizen counsels.
Pollock advises offering to help out with handing out snacks or juice boxes to make up for the imposition.
'Being extra grateful and courteous can make even the most awkward situations not a big deal,' she says.
It definitely helps to specify on an invitation whether siblings are included to prevent a faux pas from happening in the first place.
'The best parties are the ones where everyone knows what to expect,' says Pollock.
When extra guests aren't included, she suggests adding a short note to the invite, such as, 'Due to space limitations, we can't accommodate siblings—thanks for understanding!' Indeed, as Hayes points out, ''Siblings not welcome' sounds rather impolite!'
If another parent shows up with more little ones in tow than you planned for, Pollock's advice is to lead with grace.
'If the sibling's presence won't derail your plans, smile, roll with it, and file it under 'parenting happens,'' she says.
If the addition does impact your plans—for instance, you only had enough pottery pieces for the invited kids to paint—experts say it's alright to set boundaries and let the parent know your situation.
'Just try to treat each other with respect and kindness,' says Dreizen. 'There should be an understanding from both the hosts and those invited that we are all trying to do our best.'
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