Help! I don't know what I'm doing with my life
I've been watching Michelle Williams portray Molly Kochan in Dying for Sex on Disney+ – and it's made me seriously reflect on my own life.
In the show, Michelle (as Molly) gets diagnosed with stage four cancer and decides to blow up her existing relationship in the pursuit of pleasure. Cue: a lot of sex, some good – some bad – and some serious self-reflection. She ends up finding out exactly who she is and what she wants. And even though the story is heartbreakingly tragic, watching it made me realise one thing: that I'm jealous. Because even though she is dying, she's figured it all out – and I haven't.
I don't know what I want or who I am! I'm 45 – I'm supposed to have it all nailed by now: be settled in my marriage, with kids, a good career and a house. So why don't I? Am I having some sort of clichéd midlife crisis?
Existential angst
Dear existential angst,
I've had a slew of similar letters recently from people of all different generations – from twenties to fifties, Gen Z to boomers. You really are not alone – that may help ease your discomfort a little, or it may not. But I certainly don't think that what you are feeling deserves to be called 'cliché'.
At some point we all – every single one of us – experience what I like to refer to as a 'dark night of the soul' (and in truth, it's usually a little longer than a single night). It can happen at any age when we don't know who we are or where we are supposed to be – yet all around us lies the pressure of these two words: 'supposed to'.
In our hyper-dynamic, over-achieving society, we feel like we are 'supposed to' do all the things you mention in your letter: marry, have kids, an ace career, get a mortgage. When in reality, we're living through austerity, the gender pay gap and a dating, fertility and housing crisis – not to mention the ongoing struggle to reconcile our position within a world facing widespread global unrest, war and famine.
None of this is easy. If you're feeling anxious and uneasy, it is entirely understandable.
I want you to know that I don't take what you're feeling lightly – but I do believe that what you're experiencing at the moment isn't just incidental, it is critical. However uncomfortable it feels, it is fundamental to your personal growth. It is part of the human process. And at 45, it's just a marvel it's waited this long to blossom. Well done for fending it off for so long.
I believe that underscoring the existential ennui, paralysis and angst you describe is a period of profound internal change. We go for years focusing on the next step in front of us. As we grow and develop from childhood to teens, to young adults who enter higher education or the workforce, everything is laid out. Planned. We know where we are expected to be. If our own family doesn't set the path for us, society does.
And then at some point, we stop blindly and ambitiously taking great leaps forward and we ... pause. We stop progressing in a straight line and finally take space to look around us at what we have (or don't have). Sometimes, these periods of self-reflection coincide with a major life event – bereavement, birth, marriage or divorce. It's at that critical juncture that we catch our breath and think about whether it's what we actually want.
This period can be exciting, overwhelming, even frightening – but it's also crucial. If you don't pause and slow and take time to 'check in' with yourself (from your body to your heart and mind) then you're anaesthetised to what is most important: self-reflection. You can't translate what makes you happy and fulfilled if you're disconnected from your feelings.
Writing things down always helps me make sense of inner turbulence: so start with what is at the top of your 'worry list' right now. Then, as roughly as makes sense, use it as a flow chart to find all the small ingredients, nameless fears and anxieties that are contributing to that. Once they're down on paper, just for you to see, you can try and look at ways to solve them or to enact meaningful change.
A very important note: when we feel like you do, it can be tempting to act rashly. To blow up that relationship, to quit that job. I don't want you to act – but I do want you to write down how you are feeling, to breathe and then to sit on it, for a while. You're pausing now, so pause some more. Take your time to figure out if this is a panic response or if you want actual change.
Above all, I want you to try to take the fear away from what you're going through. I want you to reframe this 'crisis' and think of it as not just normal, but vital. I want you to applaud yourself for taking that breath and that pause; for being brave and willing to look at your life and scrutinise the bits you might want to build on, change or improve. And I want you to lean in.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Daily Mail
33 minutes ago
- Daily Mail
Dominic Sessa transforms into tragic young Anthony Bourdain in biopic
Dominic Sessa has transformed into Anthony Bourdain while filming scenes for the upcoming biopic Tony earlier this week in Massachusetts. The actor, 22, could be seen stepping into the shoes of a younger version of the late celebrity chef while on the set of the A24 project in Provincetown on Thursday. Bourdain was known for starring in shows including the Travel Channel's No Reservations and CNN 's Parts Unknown before his tragic death by suicide in 2018 at the age of 61. Dominic wore a pair of black flared pants and a red button-up, which was layered with a black leather jacket, befitting of Seventies style. The actor also sported brown curly hair as he shot scenes on a ferry. Dominic was seen holding a conversation with another person while leaning against a railing as the ferry slowly moved along the water. While the official synopsis has remained under wraps, the biopic is set to follow Bourdain's summer in 1976 in Provincetown, where he had his first introduction to the restaurant industry. In April, it was revealed that Antonio Banderas has also joined the cast, although his role is not yet known. The movie will be directed by Matt Johnson, with a screenplay by Todd Bartels and Lou Howe. Bourdain began his career in the food industry while studying at Vassar College and took on jobs at seafood restaurants in Provincetown. In an interview with Boston Magazine in 2017, the TV personality reflected on his time in the seaside town. He said: 'It's a very emotional place for me. I came of age there in the early Seventies in a very magical, golden, naive time that I don't think we'll see the likes of again.' 'And I will say being in Provincetown when I was 17… it was predominantly gay, as it still is. It was a time in history of boundless optimism when we really thought anything was possible. 'I think of the people I lived with and worked with and who befriended me then… whatever value system I learned then informed what came later.' Bourdain further reflected: 'That's where it all started for me. Those were the kitchens that formed my expectations. I thought it was going to be like that forever.' And while talking to The Guardian that same year, the author talked about his first job as a dishwasher in the Massachusetts town. He said: 'I only became happy - in fact, intensely satisfied - as a dishwasher at a restaurant in Provincetown in Cape Cod, my first job.' The late star added that he had been 'a shy, goofy, awkward teenager. But in this blue collar, factory-like environment, there was no blurred line, no grey area, no philosophical question to fret over. He said: 'Dishes had to go in the washer and come out taintless and doing this swiftly and competently meant I was acknowledged as a human being by colleagues I wanted to be like. The day they promoted me to dunking fries I was overjoyed.' Anthony had also been candid about his past drug use during his youth, and he later quit heroin in the Eighties. He had told The Guardian: 'I was an unhappy soul, with a huge heroin and then crack problem. 'I hurt, disappointed and offended many, many, many people and I regret a lot. It's a shame I have to live with.' He later dropped out of university and graduated for the Culinary Institute Of America in 1978. The star notably worked as a chef in restaurants in New York City throughout the Eighties and Nineties. He had also been the executive chef at Brasserie Les Halles, beginning in 1998. Anthony penned a number of books during his career, including as Kitchen Confidential: Adventures In The Culinary Underbelly (2000), which became a New York Times bestseller. The chef had also written articles for publications such as The New Yorker - which published a popular excerpt of Kitchen Confidential before its publication - The Los Angeles Times, Esquire, and The Independent. He gained wider recognition due to his television appearances after hosting shows including Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (2005–2012) on the Travel Channel. The digital series Explore Parts Unknown (2017) garnered the star an Emmy win for Outstanding Short Form Nonfiction Or Reality Series. Bourdain tragically died by suicide in France at the age of 61 while filming Parts Unknown.
Daily Mail
an hour ago
- Daily Mail
Shahs Of Sunset star Lilly Ghalichi files for divorce from same husband for the fourth time
Lilly Ghalichi is ending her marriage to Dara Mir - again. The Shahs Of Sunset star filed for divorce from her husband for the fourth time, according to court documents obtained by TMZ. Ghalichi submitted the filing on June 20, listing June 19 as the official date of separation. has not received a response to its request for comment from Ghalichi. The couple first tied the knot in a lavish ceremony at the Beverly Hilton in May 2017. Since then, their relationship has been a rollercoaster. Mir initially filed for divorce in 2019, but the two reconciled. Ghalichi then filed twice in 2020 - each time later calling off the split. Now, the pair appears to be moving forward with dissolving their marriage. They are requesting joint legal and physical custody of their two children, daughter Alara and son Kashton, per the outlet. The filing also notes that a prenuptial agreement is in place. According to Bravo, Lilly began her romance with Dara in March 2016 when she was applying for a parking space in the apartment building where her future husband was a board member. 'I not only found my equal. He far surpasses anything I could ever be,' the influencer and vlogger told Bravo's The Daily Dish in 2016. 'He is a very private so many fake people. There's so many users. 'You never really know people's intentions and with him you don't even have a shred of doubt because he doesn't have these things. He doesn't care about these things.' The self-proclaimed 'Persian Princess' was previously in a decade-long on/off relationship with a Houston-based lawyer called Ali. She native rose to fame in 2012 when she put her career as a lawyer aside to become a reality star on the popular Bravo show. She appeared for two seasons. Lilly is also the entrepreneur behind the highly acclaimed Lilly Lashes worn by many A-list stars. Shahs Of Sunset debuted on March 11, 2012, and ended on August 29, 2021.
The Sun
an hour ago
- The Sun
Huge popstar and reality TV favourite pulls out of gig just days before taking to the stage
POP fans have been left gutted after one huge star pulled out of a massive gig just days before she was due on stage. The singer, 22, had been due to headline at a big Pride festival but has cancelled due to a "scheduling conflict". 6 6 JoJo Siwa had been due to entertain thousands of fans at Back Lot Bash in Chicago next weekend. The Pride inclusive music festival is taking place across two days and JoJo was supposed to be headlining on Sunday June 29. But an announcement on Backlot Bash's official Instagram account today read: "Due to a scheduling conflict, JoJo Siwa will no longer be performing at Chicago's Back Lot Bash." No further information has been given by organisers and JoJo has not commented on the cancellation on her own social media accounts. In the lead up to this year's Back Lot Bash, the Bulletproof star had appeared as the main headshot on the event's promo flyers. On ticket website Do312 the festive had been billed as the '21st Annual Back Lot Bash with Jojo Siwa'. The news comes just days after Celebrity Big Brother star JoJo announced she was also postponing her American tour. The star had an 11-date run of gigs booked back home in the States in July. But during the week, JoJo - who has been practically inseparable with Chris Hughes since meeting him on CBB in April - dropped the bombshell. JoJo Siwa says she'll NEVER break up with Chris Hughes saying their relationship is 'earthquake proof' In a statement, the former Dance Moms star said: "I've got some news that breaks my heart to share... my US tour has to be postponed. "I promise I'll be back before you know it to perform for all the beautiful people in the US!... "Announcements will be coming soon, including some Europe shows!:). "Thank you so much for your understanding and support. I can't wait to see you all soon! "To my Dream Guest VIPs, my team will be reaching out to you individually to plan something special. "Refunds will be issued at point of purchase." New direction JoJo is believed to be plotting to spend more time in the UK amid her blossoming romance with former Love Island star Chris. She has also reportedly been 'dropped by Columbia Records' after they signed JoJo just one year ago. Other stars on the record label's books include Adele, Beyoncé and Harry Styles. But the dancer is no longer listed on Columbia's website, where she was previously featured. The Sun previously contacted JoJo's rep for comment following the claims about her future with the record label. In a recent interview with Hits Radio, JoJo spoke about her new music and hinted that she was going it alone. JoJo admitted she choreographed and directed the music video for her current song Bulletproof and was turning over a new leaf with "more genuine" songs. 6 6 6
