15 Outdated Etiquette Rules We Can Let Go Of Today

These days, many aspects of traditional etiquette feel outdated. From rigid dress codes to time-consuming formalities, many old rules no longer fit with our modern lives and resources.
'In some of the antique etiquette books in my collection, there are some doozies that would be laughable in today's world,' Jodi R.R. Smith, the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting, told HuffPost. 'I am very fond of saying, 'Etiquette evolves to reflect the time, space and culture of where it is being applied.' Yet the underlying concepts of kindness, grace, consideration, savvy and confidence still apply.'
She believes etiquette is like British law in many ways ― finding its foundation in precedent while continually moving forward.
'When we consider the true meaning of etiquette at its core, which is awareness and consideration for others, that has not evolved,' said Mariah Grumet Humbert, the founder of Old Soul Etiquette. 'However, etiquette guidelines for various social and professional situations have kept up well with the evolution of our world and society.'
Years ago, there was no such thing as social media or email etiquette, she added. But now, we have to consider many new norms and factors to ensure we're socially aware and emotionally intelligent online.
Furthermore, many etiquette protocols are based in antiquated norms that most today recognize as sexist and heteronormative. As our society becomes more inclusive of cultural differences, we are also moving in a direction where highly specific rules have less of a place.
'Contrary to popular belief, etiquette is not an immovable, inviolable set of expectations forged in bronze but rather societal guidelines that are designed to evolve as the culture changes,' said Thomas Farley, aka Mister Manners.
Of course, that doesn't mean we throw all traditional etiquette out the window, but there are certain formalities and practices that no longer serve a meaningful purpose. Below, experts break down 15 outdated etiquette rules they believe we can bid farewell to.
'In the past, it may have been considered polite to attend every event that you were invited to, and if you were not able to attend, many would feel an obligation to provide a 'reasonable' excuse,' Humbert said. 'It is not poor etiquette to turn down an invitation as long as you do so in a timely manner.'
Ensure you decline politely, and well before the RSVP deadline if possible.
'There was a time when it was forbidden for elbows to be on the table before, after or while dining,' said Jackie Vernon-Thompson, the founder of From the Inside-Out School of Etiquette. 'Frankly, at no times were elbows permitted on the table.'
These days, the rules have evolved to become a bit looser.
'Despite what you may have heard, you can actually put your elbows on the table between courses,' said Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and co-host of the 'Were You Raised by Wolves?' podcast. 'But elbows on the table while you're actually eating is still frowned upon.'
In fact, there are benefits to having your elbows on the table at the appropriate time.
'After the table has been cleared and everyone is enjoying conversation, it is acceptable to put your elbows on the table at that point,' Humbert said. 'It could actually help you communicate interest and engagement through your body language and help you maintain good posture.'
As we are no longer in the era of horse-drawn carriages, and it is no longer the true mark of a gentleman to walk between the street and one's female companion.
'Having originated as a tradition when women's dresses grazed the ground and passing carriages commonly splattered everything from standing water to horse droppings up onto the sidewalk, this tradition has largely vanished,' Farley said. 'Further, if a woman is wearing heels, she may in fact prefer to walk on the street side of the sidewalk rather than the inside, as it removes the possibility of a heel getting stuck in a sidewalk grate, which tend to be closer to the middle of the sidewalk than the street side.'
Basically, regardless of the gender makeup of two people walking, there's no strict rule on preferred placement.
'Feel free to wear white after Labor Day!' Leighton exclaimed.
Indeed, this is another mandate from a bygone era when wealthy individuals who could take summer holidays away from the city apparently distinguished themselves from their working-class urban counterparts through their attire.
'This rule emerged from upper-class fashion norms, where white was associated with summer leisure,' said Tami Claytor, the etiquette coach behind Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting. 'Today, this restriction is outdated. White can be worn year-round, especially with heavier fabrics and winter styles.'
'While many people were raised with the mentality of 'if you are not early, you are late,' this does not apply to social events,' Humbert said. 'It is best to arrive on time or within 10-15 minutes of the start time out of respect for your host.'
We have much more power over how long it takes to get from point A to point B these days, so be considerate of people's set-up time.
'While I certainly love a hand-written thank you note on paper and sent through the mail, it's not always strictly required,' Leighton said. 'A text or email can certainly do the trick sometimes, especially for more casual things or when speed is of the essence. The key is to just express gratitude, so given the choice between sending a voice memo or doing nothing at all, I'd certainly take the voice memo.'
Of course, a handwritten thank-you note is still a lovely gesture for formal occasions like a wedding, but expectations have shifted around things like casual birthday parties.
'It is no longer required for every act of kindness,' Claytor said. 'Among younger generations, it is now socially acceptable to send a thank-you note via email or text, especially for informal gestures or among close acquaintances.'
'In the past, this may have been seen as polite towards your host or the person who prepared the meal to finish your entire plate,' Humbert said. 'Today, no one should feel obligated to eat more than they desire. They can compliment the host or chef without feeling the need to finish every bite.'
Nobody wants you to overstuff yourself and go home feeling ill. Intuitive eating is much more the norm these days anyway.
You may have noticed that the way to address the married recipients of wedding invitations and other more formal mail has shifted. Many spouses have different surnames, and even those who have chosen to take the same name don't expect to only see one of their first names on an envelope.
'Another outdated rule is addressing an envelope to a husband and wife by 'Mr. and Mrs. Husband's First Name + Couple's Last Name' ― for example, 'Mr. And Mrs. James Schuster,'' Farley said.
'Although this is still common practice and regularly used as a format for wedding invitations in particular, ghosting the woman's name entirely is increasingly giving way to 'First Name and First Name Last Name,' with no set preference on which name appears first ― so 'Jane and James Schuster' or 'James and Jane Schuster.''
'There was a time when regardless of the building the gentleman entered, he removed his hat,' Vernon-Thompson said. 'However, modern etiquette calls for the man to remove his hat depending on where he is. Our culture seems to be a bit more lenient with that protocol.'
Indeed, these days wearing a hat indoors is much more acceptable (regardless of gender), though etiquette still dictates removing one's hat in a religious setting or during the national anthem.
'You will notice as you interact with couples, the lady doesn't necessarily wait to be introduced,' Vernon-Thompson said. 'In these modern days, there is no rule [about] who introduces themselves first. With that said, tradition still plays a role.'
Similarly, the rule that a man must wait for a woman to initiate a handshake is no longer relevant.
'Everyone should feel empowered to initiate a greeting and/or handshake regardless of gender,' Humbert said.
Farley believes another outdated piece of etiquette is 'answering a phone by announcing one's name rather than acknowledging the identity of the person calling when the name of that individual is known thanks to caller ID and the individual is a known acquaintance of the call recipient.'
You do not need to state your name whenever you pick up a call. Farley emphasized that you can just say 'Hi, Maggie. How are you?' rather than 'John Smith here.'
In addition to being a heteronormative rule, the tradition of the man paying for both himself and his female date is just generally outdated.
'Today, the person who initiated the date is responsible for planning the date as well as covering the bill,' Humbert said.
'While dark colors are still standard at Western funerals, strict adherence to black-only attire is no longer expected,' Claytor said. 'Subdued tones like navy, gray, and muted hues are considered respectful and appropriate.'
The rules around mourning attire vary across different cultures as well, so do your research before attending a funeral. For instance, Claytor noted that in Hindu cultures, white is the traditional color choice.
Smith pointed to a time in the past when people were expected to submit certain letters around life events.
'We no longer need a letter of introduction when moving to a new city to be allowed to visit with others or join organizations, both religious or social,' she said, adding that we're also thankfully long past the era where women were expected to submit letters of resignation from their jobs in advance of marriage or the birth of a child.
'This rule evolved out of necessity. In the 17th and 18th centuries, women wore dresses with large hoop skirts, and because the skirts were so cumbersome, they needed assistance with chairs,' Claytor said.
With today's fashion styles, that practice is no longer necessary in most cases.
'While a nice show of chivalry, it is not an unforgivable breach of etiquette to not help a lady with her chair,' Claytor added.
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