11 hours ago
Big family guys compare their contributions to society*
Elon Musk Dear friends and fellow billionaires, welcome to the inaugural meeting of the Super-Impregnators. None of you likes beating around the bush so let's begin with introductions. I'm Elon and I make spaceships and babies. To date, I have produced 14 children. My target is 40. Message me if you know any smart women who want my sperm, no strings attached
Farris Wilks I'm Farris, billionaire fracker, Trump donor and pastor of the Assembly of Yahweh, the one true church, in Texas. I only have 11 children and they're all via the same woman. Abortion is bad. Homosexuality is worse. Sex out of wedlock is unforgivable, so sayeth Yahweh
Musk OK dude, let's keep the kooky Christian stuff to a minimum. Remember, we're trying to save the planet here by having more of the good types of children. It is our responsibility as super-smart wealth creators to spread our superior seed far and wide. Monogamy is inefficient
Boris Johnson Have to say, Elon old chum, my current ball and chain takes a dim view of extramarital hanky-panky. I tried the whole for-the-good-of-humanity thing and she didn't buy it at all
Musk Not sure you're supposed to be in this elite group, Boris
Johnson Your assistant said I qualified because I'm a super-spreader and I went to Eton. Surely we need lots of little Bozzas just as much as we need lots of mini Muzzers? Got to keep the gene pool flowing
Musk True but not too much. How many children have you got?
Johnson Ahh, excellent question. Nine?
Musk OK, fine. Next!
Pavel Durov I'm Pavel and I own Telegram, the social media site which in no way facilitates terrorism and/or the illegal arms trade. And none of you is trying hard enough. I've got 106
Musk Think of the school runs!
Durov Hahahaha!
Wilks What's funny?
Musk My joke implying any of us actually do any parenting … hahahaha
Wilks Oh I see. Hahahaha
Musk It's so annoying when people accuse me of being irresponsible. There are lots of poor people having children. How's that going to work? At least I can provide my offspring with everything they need
Durov Except a father figure?
Musk No, I can provide that too. Tutors. Fitness instructors. All the tools required to become masters of their own destiny
Johnson Sounds a bit, you know …
Musk What?
Johnson Nothing
Musk How have you got 106 children anyway? Some kind of bionic penis? I've looked into bionic penises. Something to consider
Durov No, six the usual way and 100 via a local fertility clinic
Wilks May Yahweh forgive thee
Musk No, I like it … we need to think about this more industrially. How can we impregnate the most women in the least amount of time? Like Debbie Does Dallas but in reverse
Johnson Elon does Eastbourne! Boris does Berlin!
Musk Yeah, dude, I like it. What's Eastbourne?
Johnson It's a town in England
Musk Are its women smart and the right sort and also keen?
Johnson Maybe start with Newcastle
Musk I'll get my team to arrange
Johnson Up the toon!
Wilks Lord forgive thy humble servants
