Latest news with #husband
Yahoo
4 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
After my marriage fell apart, darkness got to me. Then I was catfished
'You don't revere me anymore.' The words rolled off my tongue at my husband, who had been acting strangely for a few days. 'Revere?' he said with such distaste that it stunned me. Then I did what any wife married for 23 years might do: I read his emails. I wanted the truth. 'All she does is spend money!' screamed up at me from the computer screen. I wasn't in love with my husband anymore. I did still love him and had planned to sacrifice my happiness to make sure he was taken care of until the end. Read more: L.A. Affairs: He looked hot in his tight jeans, boots and cowboy hat. Would he ask me to dance? Then he betrayed me and let me off the hook. He didn't cheat. He talked behind my back in ways that I felt dishonored me. Imagine reading your husband's emails (I'm not perfect) and finding long conversations between him and his daughter about you. This from the man you've been with for 25 years! I suppose I knew this day would come. Money was always the bane of our relationship. My husband would not have initiated divorce because it would have cost him too much. Did I spend? Yes, I suppose, but only to improve our home in Culver City, give us a luscious yard and a new paved driveway. And that's not to mention all the trips we took to fascinating places. I had done a lot for him. Surprised him with a bar mitzvah in Jerusalem, brought his "mathematical art" to life through art shows and social media and planned our busy social schedule. I moved to the Pico-Robertson area to be close to my niece and her three kids. Darkness consumed me, but my face was masked with perpetual smiles. How do you begin again at 71? Friends tried to guide me to dating sites, but I wasn't ready. I took refuge in my apartment with my dog, Murray, who kept me alive through the COVID-19 pandemic, depression and divorce. My life consisted of walking the dog, writing children's books and binge-watching Netflix nightly. Read more: L.A. Affairs: For years, I juggled co-parenting, dating and taking care of a family cat I didn't like Once the divorce was over, loneliness won out. I moved to a new city an hour outside of L.A. Male attention came from a 31-year-old gardener who brought me flowers every Tuesday. 'I'm old enough to be your grandmother,' I said. I was feeling the need for male energy, but not with this young man. So I turned to online dating. I scrolled down the list of all my likes on a dating site. One man caught my eye. He was Jewish, intelligent and had a dog named Erik. I sent him a like back. 'Can you give me your number so we can text?' he asked. What could it hurt? The next two weeks were a whirlwind. We were in a textationship. I felt so high I stopped eating. I lost six pounds in three days. Jay enchanted me with all the romantic things that he was going to do for me. He sent me love songs. I wasn't just beautiful; I was extremely beautiful and I shouldn't worry about being overweight, he told me. He wanted a soulmate and convinced me that we were meant to be. Blown away by our connection, we both realized bashert (or fate) had won out. Read more: L.A. Affairs: I grew up on Disney princesses and fairy tales. Was I ready for my own happily ever after? I was the happiest I had been in many years. Finally something was going to come easy for me. But I wasn't naive. Red flags started to pop up. Jay and I had barely spoken on the phone when he told me that he had to be in Washington, D.C. for three weeks to work on a military base. He wouldn't be able to video chat, and if he did, he could get fired. On a Friday morning, two weeks into our relationship, I texted, 'I'm sorry, but I can't invest anymore into this relationship until I see you.' He asked if I could Skype. (Oh, remember Skype?) Red flag. Why not FaceTime? I waited all day Saturday for him to call. Nothing. On Sunday morning, I blocked him on my phone. Murray and I headed to the ocean. On Monday, unable to text me, he emailed. Hope reared its head again. "How can you give up all we shared together?" he asked. 'I so want you to be true, Jay, but I still need to see your face," I replied. At 7 a.m. Monday, he called. In bed with no makeup on, we met on Google Meet. I loved the face on his profile, but I didn't think this face was the same one I saw on-screen. I asked him why he said he was a New York native on his profile when I knew he grew up in Sweden. He shrugged it off as a small embellishment. I fake smiled and asked him to say something to me in Swedish. He mumbled something that meant 'bright day." My intuition was on fire. The guy had to be a liar. Read more: L.A. Affairs: Oh, how my body wanted my pickleball partner! Then he opened his big mouth Was he grooming me to ask for money? Was he trying to feel important? Did he want to inflict harm? Later that day, he sent me an email. 'I told you I couldn't talk on video and that I'd be home soon enough, and we could be together. Now, they've found out that I made a video call and I could get fired. I'm not sure this was worth it. I'm angry you didn't believe me.' (He allegedly did secret work as an engineer for the Department of Defense.) I texted back: 'Goodbye, Jay.' 'Wow, goodbye,' he answered. I could've gone back into depression, but I was already out. I felt empowered. Catfished or not, I have to thank Jay — or whatever his name really is. He put the pep back in my step even if he didn't mean a word of it. Through the ping-pong of our conversations, my darkness ceased to be. I realized that I was capable of feeling again. Whatever it was that we meant to each other, Mr. Catfish managed to give me the very thing I was missing: Hope. The author is an actor, writer and producer living in Southern California with her dog Murray. L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@ You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here. Sign up for The Wild newsletter to get weekly insider tips on the best of our beaches, trails, parks, deserts, forests and mountains. This story originally appeared in Los Angeles Times.
Yahoo
19 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
Woman Worries Her 40-Year-Old 'Big Mama's Boy' Husband Will Never Be Independent
A woman worries her husband, who's a "big mamma's boy," will never be independent In a post on Reddit, she writes that his mom weighs in on everything from his 401k to "what soap cleaner is best" "A few months ago I told him his mother is a dealbreaker, but I'm not confident he will ever truly be independent," she writesA woman says her 40-year-old husband is so reliant on his mom that she's worried he'll never be truly independent. The woman shares her dilemma in a Reddit post, writing, "My (35F) husband (40M) is a big mamma's boy. He hid this for the six years we were long distance." "He needs her opinion in every small and big thing and texts and calls daily (401k for new job, will boxes fit in the car for a move, what soap cleaner is best)," she writes. "The thing is, in the beginning he wasn't like this when we dated in person. He had career troubles and court stuff (due to her) so she stepped in and took over; she has access to all his finances, emails, etc since then (unbeknownst to me)." Now, the couple has been married for a couple of years, and his mom's "overreach" is killing the romance. "He has slowly been trying to untangle himself but things came to a head when we moved recently. I rearranged a busy work schedule to move half our stuff on Memorial Day weekend," she writes. "He was agreeable at first, but then closer to the date I suspect he spoke to her and she shut it down bc he refused to do so." Come moving day, the woman enlisted her own parents to help, and her husband got into a fight due to his car being too full of the couple's belongings. "A few months ago I told him his mother is a dealbreaker, but I'm not confident he will ever truly be independent," she writes. "Another thing is he lacks initiative in housework and has to be assigned tasks. My family thinks I deserve better." Now, she's debating what she should do and taking to Reddit to ask others if relationships can improve despite a meddling mother-in-law. "Has anyone seen an improvement being in a relationship with a mamma's boy or is it better to cut losses now?" she writes. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Reddit users aren't confident the relationship can improve. "You're not imagining it, mamma's boy habits like that rarely just disappear," writes one commenter. "And if she's controlling his finances and emails? That's a giant red flag, not 'relationship growing pains.' You're waiting for a man to show up who's been buried under his mom's thumb for years. Time to ask yourself if you want a partner or a perpetual child." Adds another: "If you feel like you're shouldering all the emotional labor and boundary-setting, it might be time to reevaluate. Consider couples therapy to explore these issues further. Ultimately, you deserve a partnership where your needs are respected." Read the original article on People
Yahoo
a day ago
- Business
- Yahoo
I'm 51, earn $129K and have $165K in my 401(k). Can I afford to retire when my husband, 59, draws Social Security at 62?
I really appreciate your column and the advice you provide. I have been considering 'retiring' early to have more time with my husband during our younger years. We were both married for more than 20 years each. We met when I was 46 and he was 54. Our divorces did cause us quite a bit of financial loss, and we have $105,000 in combined debt, not including our house payment, which is $2,200. I'm currently 51 years old, and my husband is 59. He is retired from a state job and receives a pension that nets around $3,600 per month, as well as lifelong health insurance for both of us. Once he reaches 62, we estimate his Social Security will provide approximately $1,800 net per month. In four months, he can cash out a Roth IRA, which would pay off our outstanding debt, minus our house. 'I'm at my wit's end': My niece paid off her husband's credit card, but fell behind on her taxes. How can I help her? 'I prepaid our mom's rent for a year': My sister is a millionaire and never helps our mother. How do I cut her out of her will? Israel-Iran clash delivers a fresh shock to investors. History suggests this is the move to make. 20 companies in the S&P 500 whose investors have gained the greatest rewards from stock buybacks I'm 75 and have a reverse mortgage. Should I pay it off with my $200K savings — and live off Social Security instead? I earn $129,000 per year. I contribute 15% to my 401(k), which is currently valued at $165,000. I also rolled over an old 401(k) with $125,000 to be managed by a financial adviser. Can I quit working in three years — when my husband begins collecting Social Security? I plan to stop contributing to my 401(k) at that point. How much do you anticipate my account would be worth when I reach 59 1/2? The money my financial adviser manages has been earning approximately 9% per year, and my employer matches 6% of my compensation. We would be downsizing our house and likely moving to a state with lower property taxes (we currently live in Texas). What do you think I should do? Should I retire early and join my husband on this new adventure? Thank you in advance for your advice. The Wife Related: 'This flies in the face of my morals and ethics': My father cut my sisters out of his six-figure estate. Should I push back? Think twice before you retire early. Your husband will have to pay 40% of his combined pension and Social Security on your house payment, and that's after he uses his Roth IRA to pay off your combined debt. Even if your $165,000 401(k) were worth $195,000 after three years — assuming a relatively conservative 6% growth — you would still need that money to last you for another 30 years. It's simply not enough, even with your husband's state pension. You won't be able to make withdrawals from your 401(k) for another eight years and you too may be forced to take your Social Security benefits before your full retirement age. By claiming his Social Security at 62, he is also settling for significantly less than his full amount if he waited. You have a long wait until you qualify for Social Security, and your slightly throwaway comment that your husband will cash out his Roth IRA to pay your debts also gives me pause. You have a relatively secure six-figure income and your employer is contributing a 6% match, so why throw that away now just because your husband is ready to retire? Unless you absolutely hate your job and feel like it's making you sick, there's a lot to be said for these peak earning years and the meaning, social contact and structure that work brings you. You might miss it when it's gone and, even if you're glad to see the back of it, you will certainly miss the financial independence and security of knowing that you are building a nest egg for retirement. Do you really want to be that dependent on your husband? Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you had $400,000 collectively in both 401(k)s in three years. Using the 4% rule — withdrawing 4% of your nest annually over a 30-year period — you would take out $16,000 a year. U.S. adults, on average, say they'll need $1.46 million to retire comfortably, up 15% over the $1.27 million reported last year, according to a recent study by Northwestern Mutual. That doesn't put you in the crosshairs for an easy retirement. You're doing OK. Keep at it. Some 75% of non-retired adults had at least some retirement savings, but 25% had no retirement savings, according to one report by the Federal Reserve. Oftentimes, the clue is in the question. If you are that worried about your ability to retire, keep working and accumulating savings. You want more leisure time with your husband, but will you also have more security and more peace of mind? The Social Security Administration and AARP provide retirement calculators that help determine whether you have enough money to retire. (As for your other point, Hawaii has the lowest property taxes, per this guide from SmartAsset. But that doesn't necessarily mean a lower cost of living.) You can input your assets, projected retirement spending, life-expectancy assumptions and tax estimates. Longevity is a big unknown. The average U.S. female who reaches 65 can expect to live to around 86.7, according to the SSA. If you retire at 54, could you hold off on claiming Social Security until you can maximize your benefits at 70? Many people — 28.4% of men and 26.5% of women — take Social Security when they reach full retirement age, which is between 65 and 67, depending on the year a person was born. Meanwhile, 8.4% of men and 9.3% of women wait until at least 70 to take their benefits, according to the SSA. I wonder how much early retirement, as exciting as the prospect might be, is your idea and how much is pressure from your husband, who is understandably eager to embark on his new post-work life. Planning can be fun too. What kind of retirement would you like after you downsize and move to a new state? It's great that you are in a happy marriage; that will help you in your retirement years, but will your income match your retirement goals? Longevity and lifestyle requires a healthy investment income. Related: 'My wife and I are very grateful': Our son wants to pay off our mortgage before we retire. Will this backfire? Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell: My husband will inherit $180K. I think we should invest the money. He wants to pay off his $168K mortgage. Who's right? 'I'm at a loss': My boyfriend of nearly 10 years is naming his elderly parents as beneficiaries and giving them power of attorney. Am I right to be upset? 'We have no prenuptial agreement': Will my wife be able to take my money if I transfer it to my retirement account? Israel-Iran conflict poses three challenges for stocks that could slam market by up to 20%, warns RBC These defense stocks offer the best growth prospects, as the Israel-Iran conflict fuels new interest in the sector 'I'm 68 and my 401(k) has dwindled to $82,000': My husband committed financial infidelity and has $50,000 in credit-card debt. What now? My husband is in hospice care. Friends say his children are lining up for his money. What can I do? My friend, 83, wants to add me to his bank account to pay his bills. What could go wrong?
Yahoo
a day ago
- General
- Yahoo
Dear Abby: How do I protect my gay dad from my homophobic husband?
DEAR ABBY: In the four years my husband and I have been married, his distaste for the LGBTQ community has grown into a passion. He calls it immoral and unnatural. I've never tried to change his opinion, but because I don't enthusiastically agree with him, he is convinced I'm going to hell. He uses nearly every conversation as an opportunity to share his feelings on this issue. Any response I volunteer goes unheard. Shortly after our wedding, my father revealed he is gay. Thankfully, my husband can be kind to him while disapproving of his sexuality. I'm not sure Dad knows the extent of my husband's negative feelings. (They live in different states, so they rarely see each other.) My problem is, my father recently became engaged to his partner, and I'm not sure how to tell my husband. I'm not asking him to agree with my dad's life, but I don't want him to steal my joy over this event or make me feel guilty for going to their wedding. I will certainly be going alone. Advice, Abby? — ALLY IN MICHIGAN DEAR ALLY: Yes, I do have some. However, it is more far-reaching than you may expect. That your husband discounts or 'doesn't hear' what you need to communicate to him does not bode well for the future of your marriage. Your father's sexual orientation may be abhorrent to your husband, but it is not 'unnatural.' If you wish to attend your father's wedding, do it, and do not feel guilty for supporting him at this important time. You are not going to hell for loving and accepting your father — quite the opposite, in fact. DEAR ABBY: We have been friends with a couple for many, many years. Unfortunately, someone took some items out of their house. Our long friendship is now over because they think we stole from them. Although they have gotten over it, we cannot. They say it's 'in the past' and it's time to move on. They can't understand that we feel so insulted that we no longer want to remain friends with them. They never offered an apology, which makes us feel they still doubt us. Are we oversensitive? — INNOCENT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE DEAR INNOCENT: No, you are not. In light of the fact that you never received an apology for the wrongful accusation, it makes sense that you not put yourselves in the position of being accused again. DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter-in-law and I had words several months ago. Within a few days, I received an apology, and I apologized to her for my response. Since then, she has blocked me and told a mutual friend she won't be coming to family gatherings, which she rarely attended anyway. We recently attended the funeral of a close family friend. She came, but I noticed she seemed unusually quiet and uncomfortable. She barely spoke unless spoken to but did hug me goodbye. Should I ask her why she blocked me or let it go? — CONFOUNDED IN TEXAS DEAR CONFOUNDED: Your stepdaughter-in-law is starting to thaw. If I were you, I would let sleeping dogs lie. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Yahoo
We loved living in Barcelona, but left after a year. The language barrier made it impossible for us to thrive there.
When I was in my 30s, my husband and I left Scotland to live in Barcelona for at least a year. I loved the city, but the language barrier made it hard to thrive even as I learned more Spanish. After an incredible year, we moved back to Scotland — but I'll always treasure my time in Barcelona. When my company restructured and offered me a voluntary redundancy package, I felt like I finally had my chance to follow my dream of living in Barcelona. With no corporate career tying me down, a modest payment, and my husband's salary (his job was already remote), we could afford to take a "grown-up gap year" of sorts. As European citizens, we also had the option to stay if things worked out. So, in our mid-30s, we left our comfortable life in Edinburgh behind and headed to the Spanish city with no real plan. We didn't have jobs or a place to live lined up, but we'd loved our previous trips to Barcelona and were excited to call it home. At first, it felt like luck was on our side. We found a lovely apartment with a balcony in the trendy El Born neighborhood that was just a 20-minute walk from the city center or beach. For a few weeks under the Mediterranean sun, I felt like I was living a dream. Soon, I realized it wasn't built to last. I wasn't arrogant enough to think I could move to Spain without a decent grasp of the local languages, Spanish and Catalan. However, I didn't appreciate how hard it would be to fully feel part of the city without being fluent. On other trips to Barcelona, I got by with "vacation-level" Spanish. I could order from a menu and ask where the changing rooms were in a clothing store. However, I lived here now, and understanding my Spanish electricity bill or making meaningful small talk became herculean challenges. I threw myself into trying to become fluent in Spanish, since I already knew some of the basics. I signed up for as many language-exchange sessions as my calendar could fit, and I took copious notes during my classes. As I started to improve, I had regular coffee dates and formed fledgling friendships with native speakers. However, language mastery can take years. After a few months, I could speak decent Spanish, but I was far from fluent. Sometimes, I felt powerless, like all I could do was keep practicing Spanish and taking more classes. I often missed the easy banter of life back in Scotland and how easy it used to be to consume and participate in culture. In Barcelona, I struggled to read the local magazines or understand the radio. Activities I'd taken for granted before, like going to the local theater for live performances, were now impossible for me to fully enjoy. Since I didn't speak fluent Spanish, my career options felt somewhat limited. Soon, I got a part-time position teaching English. My teaching post was rewarding, but it barely put food on the table. I had a tough time finding a full-time teaching role that paid well. In many ways, my husband was worse off. He was originally working remotely, but his company folded not long after the move. As an IT professional who only knew basic Spanish, it was tough for him to find a new role. For a while, his best options were working in a call center or in hospitality — neither would pay nearly as much as he'd been making before. Although our living expenses in Barcelona were mainly lower than they were in Edinburgh, we still had bills and travel goals and hoped to retire one day. With what we were making, we wouldn't be able to save for retirement or put money aside for vacations. Soon, we realized we could survive here financially, but not thrive. Although we were enchanted by Barcelona's beautiful buildings, beaches, and endless sunshine, we didn't stick around. After a year, we decided that the sensible decision was to move back to Scotland. I've no regrets about my choice, but there's a little part of my heart that still beats in Barcelona. We go back every couple of years to visit our friends and grab some much-needed sunshine. After our year there and several trips back, the city's allure has never faded. I love the idea of living there again when I retire and don't need to worry about work. As an EU citizen, anything feels possible. Until then, I'll keep working on my Spanish. Read the original article on Business Insider
