Latest news with #connection
Yahoo
12 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
13 Comments That Sound Supportive But Are Actually Manipulative
In your quest for connection, there's something particularly insidious about the comments that masquerade as support. They're the wolves in sheep's clothing, camouflaged compliments or seemingly thoughtful insights that leave you scratching your head, wondering if you're being uplifted or undermined. It's a delicate balancing act that requires a keen sense of awareness to spot. Let's delve into some real talk and unravel these barbed remarks that might be woven into your everyday conversations. Ah, the classic opener that sets the stage for unsolicited advice. While it sounds like an act of genuine concern, it often masks a critique that is neither necessary nor wanted. When someone positions themselves as the gatekeeper of your well-being, it's an imbalanced power play. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a renowned psychologist, notes in her book "The Dance of Connection" that this phrase often reflects the speaker's own insecurities rather than a true desire to help. It's easy to fall into this trap, especially when you value the opinions of those close to you. But remember, advice should be a gift, not an obligation. When someone uses this phrase, it's worth asking yourself if their version of 'good' aligns with your own values and goals. You deserve support that feels empowering, not patronizing. At first glance, this one sounds like a straightforward compliment, but dig a little deeper. It often implies that what you're doing is inherently risky or foolhardy. It can come off as a backhanded acknowledgment, subtly suggesting that you're stepping out of line or defying the norm. In reality, what you need is recognition for your courage, not a reminder of potential pitfalls. When someone tells you you're brave, it's worth considering the context. Are they genuinely applauding your courage, or are they couching their doubts in pretty language? It's important to discern the difference, as true support should uplift and motivate you. Embrace your boldness, but don't let well-meaning but misplaced comments steer you away from your path. Here's a seemingly wistful statement that actually undermines your choices. It's the kind of comment that's wrapped in envy but delivered with a hint of judgment. The implication is often that you're being reckless or irresponsible, rather than making conscious, deliberate decisions. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, expressions of envy often mask deeper feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction in the speaker. What seems like a compliment can actually be an attempt to guilt-trip you into conformity. It's a way of saying, 'I envy your choices, but I wouldn't trade places with you.' Stand firm in your decisions and recognize that you're navigating your life in a way that aligns with your values. Don't let someone else's projections dictate your sense of freedom. This comment is dressed up as solidarity but often feels dismissive instead. It implies that your feelings are invalid because others share similar experiences, minimizing your individual struggles. It's a way of saying, 'Your pain isn't unique, so it's not that special or significant.' Truly supportive words should make you feel seen, not sidelined. When you're going through something tough, being reminded that others have it worse does little to ease your burden. Empathy means acknowledging the validity of your feelings, irrespective of how they compare to others'. Seek out those who validate your emotions instead of rushing to find commonality. Your experiences deserve to be recognized in their full, unfiltered reality. This phrase might come from a place of empathy, but it can quickly veer into dismissive territory. It suggests that the speaker has been through an identical experience, which is rarely true. Emotional experiences are deeply personal, and claiming to know exactly how someone feels can invalidate their unique perspective. According to empathy researcher Dr. Brené Brown, understanding someone else's experience requires more listening than assuming. When someone insists they know how you feel, it's often more about them than you. They might be trying to relate, but it's crucial to remember that everyone's journey is different. Seek out interactions that prioritize listening over speaking. Your emotions deserve the space to breathe and be heard without someone else's narrative imposed on them. On the surface, this sounds like a vote of confidence, but it can also imply that your struggle isn't valid or that you don't need support. It puts the onus on you to prove your strength rather than acknowledging your current hardship. While it's great to be seen as strong, it's also essential to have your vulnerabilities recognized. True support should offer a shoulder to lean on, not just a cheer from the sidelines. It's okay to want and need help, even if you're strong. Those who truly support you will understand that strength includes knowing when to ask for assistance. Strength isn't just about facing challenges alone; it's about knowing when to seek connection and encouragement. Remember, you don't have to carry the weight of the world on your own. The dreaded 'but' that follows undercuts everything that came before it. It's a conditional compliment, suggesting your happiness is contingent on meeting certain criteria or expectations. Often, it reflects the speaker's own perspective of what happiness should look like, rather than your own. A study from Stanford University highlights how conditional support can lead to feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy in personal relationships. True encouragement should be unconditional, celebrating your right to happiness in its purest form. When someone adds a 'but' to their statement, it's worth examining their motivations. Are they genuinely interested in your happiness, or are they imposing their own standards? Your joy should be celebrated without conditions or caveats. This comment seems flattering until it sets up unrealistic expectations. By highlighting how well you've handled things in the past, it can pressure you into performing emotional labor you might not be ready or willing to do. It's a reminder that your worth is tied to your ability to cope, rather than your humanity. In truth, handling things well shouldn't be a prerequisite for receiving support. The reality is, everyone has their breaking points. It's okay to not be okay, to need help, or to feel overwhelmed. Don't let the perception of past resilience prevent you from acknowledging present challenges. Your worth isn't tied to how well you manage; it's intrinsic and deserves recognition regardless of circumstance. This comment seems to suggest gratitude, but it's actually dismissive. It diminishes your challenges by implying they're not worthy of concern. While it's important to maintain perspective, your struggles deserve to be recognized and addressed, not brushed aside as 'lucky' problems. True support validates your experience and offers empathy, not judgment. It's easy for others to label your challenges as enviable when they don't have to face them. Your problems are real, regardless of how they appear to outsiders. Seek out support from those who acknowledge your struggles without belittling them. Your journey deserves respect and understanding, not trivialization. This comment is meant to reassure, but it can often feel dismissive. It minimizes the complexity of your situation by offering a blanket statement rather than genuine engagement. While optimism is valuable, it shouldn't replace meaningful support and understanding. Your concerns deserve more than a pat response; they deserve thoughtful consideration. When someone offers this kind of reassurance, it's worth exploring whether they're truly invested in your experience. Are they genuinely optimistic, or are they deflecting from offering deeper support? Seek out those who are willing to engage with your concerns in a thoughtful, meaningful way. Your experiences deserve more than platitudes; they deserve sincere attention. This comment attempts to soothe by implying a greater purpose behind your challenges. However, it can come off as dismissive, suggesting that your struggles are preordained and unchangeable. It may offer comfort to some, but for others, it minimizes the reality of their current pain. Your journey deserves to be acknowledged, not overshadowed by the notion of destiny. While belief in a bigger plan can be comforting, it's important to recognize that not everyone shares that perspective. Your experiences are valid in their own right, deserving of acknowledgment and empathy. Look for support from those who validate your journey without attributing it to forces beyond your control. Your reality deserves recognition and respect. This comment seems supportive, but it can invalidate your feelings of loss or rejection. By dismissing the significance of the relationship, it can undermine your emotional experience. True support should help you process your feelings, not bypass them with a misplaced attempt at empowerment. Your emotions are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged. While it's important to recognize your worth, it's equally important to honor the complexity of your emotions. Relationships, even flawed ones, can hold significant emotional weight. Allow yourself the space to grieve without feeling the need to immediately brush it off. Your heart deserves time and attention, not a forced narrative of superiority. Being called special might seem like a compliment, but it can isolate you. It implies that your experiences are so unique that no one else could possibly understand them. While individuality is essential, it's equally important to find connection and community in shared experiences. True support should offer understanding, not alienation. When someone labels you as special, it's worth examining whether it's fostering connection or creating distance. Your experiences are unique, but they're also part of the broader human experience. Seek out those who celebrate your uniqueness while also acknowledging the shared nature of human emotions. Your individuality is important, but so is your connection to others.
Forbes
5 days ago
- Business
- Forbes
Built To Connect: What Small Businesses Do Better—And Why It Matters
Hao Lam, entrepreneur, author, speaker, founder of Adaptively Education and Best in Class Education Center. In a world where national brands scale fast and automate faster, those of us in smaller organizations have a unique advantage—we stay close to the work. We build trust through our stories. We listen, adapt and serve in real time. We thrive not by doing everything, but by doing a few things really well—and doing them with heart. For small businesses, this kind of connection is a competitive edge. Many times throughout my career as an educator and through my education centers, I've heard moving stories from parents—some excited, some tearful—sharing that since starting our programs, their children are walking into school with confidence. They're overjoyed by their child's progress and eager to tell others whose children might also need an academic boost. More often than not, our marketing didn't bring these raving fan families through our doors. And it certainly wasn't a polished sales pitch. It was another parent's story—shared in a car line, at a birthday party or over coffee—about how their child found support, encouragement and a renewed belief in themselves inside our center's walls. Every time one of these referrals comes through, I'm reminded: When you build a business rooted in connection, people feel it. And when people feel your passion, they tell others. Even if the sky is the limit for growth, there's something worth protecting in the size we are today: the intimacy, the agility, the soul of what gives us an edge big brands simply can't replicate. People aren't just buying what you offer—they're investing in who you are and why you care. I've learned this firsthand. My journey began as a refugee. I came to the U.S. after escaping Vietnam and found stability through education. That experience defined my path and ultimately inspired how I built my business. Best in Class was never just about tutoring. It was—and still is—about giving every child a chance to discover their potential through the power of education. When you share your origin story, something powerful happens: You humanize your brand. Customers connect emotionally, and that connection turns into loyalty. Vulnerability becomes an asset that says, 'This matters to me. Let me show you why it should matter to you, too.' No fancy ad campaign can replicate that kind of authenticity. One of the most underappreciated advantages of running a small business is agility. Responsiveness isn't just a crisis tool—it's a business advantage. Small businesses can pivot quickly, test ideas, adjust services and try new approaches without layers of approval standing in the way of implementation. We can bend the rules when it makes sense for the customer and enact changes today that impact people tomorrow. My company experienced this during the pandemic. When schools shut down and families needed learning solutions fast, our team transitioned hundreds of students to online tutoring in a matter of days. We didn't wait for a large corporate directive to pass through various meetings and approvals. Instead, we listened to our parents, rallied our staff and built a solution from the ground up that all of our centers could adopt. In big systems, agility is often a dream. In small businesses, agility like this is what turns challenges into momentum. Being small doesn't mean cutting corners. In fact, it raises the stakes. When you're local, reputation travels fast—and so does trust (or the lack of it). At Best in Class, we regularly ask ourselves one simple but very telling question as a quality barometer: 'Would I come back here as a customer?' The answer to that one question keeps us honest. It reminds us to pay attention to customer service details—the tone of a phone call, the layout of a classroom and the clarity of a progress report. Customers may forget what we say, but they never forget how we made them feel. And the truth is that consistency is a powerful form of marketing. When families know they can count on you to show up, deliver results and treat them well, they become your ambassadors. They talk about you at PTA meetings, in group chats and at soccer games. That kind of word-of-mouth is earned, not bought. And it's often what keeps small businesses thriving in competitive markets. Whether donating to a fundraiser, mentoring a young entrepreneur or simply showing up where your customers are, every interaction deepens your connection. And the more connected you are, the more resilient your business becomes. One of the most fulfilling parts of building a business has been staying rooted in the community. I've spoken at local schools. Our centers have offered free SAT prep sessions, organized math competitions and partnered with small businesses in their localities to host events. These aren't marketing tactics—they're extensions of who we are and why we do what we do. When you support the community, the community supports you. As entrepreneurs, we're wired to grow. But growth doesn't mean giving up what makes you unique. It means expanding without losing your center. The longer I lead Best in Class, the more I believe this: Being small isn't something to outgrow—it's something to protect. Forbes Business Council is the foremost growth and networking organization for business owners and leaders. Do I qualify?
The Guardian
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
The moment I knew: I worried he was a playboy, then a friend reassured me
During Melbourne's sixth lockdown in 2021, I was bored out of my mind in my suburban sharehouse and craving connection. I'd been following an Instagram account for a drag performer called Iva Rosebud at the behest of a mutual friend who felt our work was similar. I'd been watching them from a distance for some time when one Friday night a message arrived suggesting a collaboration. Obviously it piqued my interest; it's not like I had anything else to do – who knew how long the lockdown would go on for? I said I'd be keen to talk more and was instantly invited for 10am mimosas in the park. I knew then I was dealing with a kindred spirit. The following day was sunny and crisp as I arrived in the park excited to meet a new friend. Lachie was wearing sunnies and a singlet with a shirt over the top that draped off his shoulder. He looked like a skater, so too-cool-for-school. But I knew from Instagram he could also be this incredibly glamorous woman. I didn't quite know what to make of the juxtaposition, but I was intrigued. We lay on the grass, listening to Ella Fitzgerald and eating buttery croissants and delicious pastries. Well, I thought they were delicious; he gave me some sass for buying them at a supermarket while he had invested in a very nice bottle of sparkling (I'd come to learn his father is a wine chemist, so he had an advantage). We discussed jazz, golden era movies and the one-woman show Elaine Stritch at Liberty, which he'd watched at least 10 times. He was really passionate about it! The conversation flowed easily, the feels were feeling and then he asked if I wanted to go back to his to watch it. He assured me we wouldn't break any Covid rules, but suffice to say we didn't make it far into the film before social distancing became an abstract concept. We met up again two days later, then again the day after. The following weekend we had back-to-back engagements for four days. After two weeks of being in each other's pockets I was really falling for him, and I realised I needed to get an outside perspective on who I was getting so close to so quickly. At yet another park hang, this time with our friend Chris – the one who had encouraged me to connect with Iva Rosebud in the first place – Lachie arrived with a stunning bouquet of native flowers for me. It was the first time a suitor had given me flowers. I was touched, but also thought it might just be a move from his playbook. As soon as he took a bathroom break I pounced on Chris to give me the skinny. He assured me that Lachie, who he'd known for years, was no playboy and was in fact a hopeless romantic. Chris's reassurance was all I needed to jump headlong into things with Lachie. We kind of did the lesbian thing after that and coupled up very quickly. Lachie's honest and generous nature is what I love most about him, not least because it brings those things out in me too. I think I knew somewhere between the third mimosa and the opening number of Elaine Stritch that Lachie was the one for me, I just couldn't believe he was for real. Three and half years later I can confirm Lachie is in fact a hopeless romantic and very committed and loving partner. We have a beautiful life; collaborating on our shows and living together in Melbourne. We have a whole room dedicated to our drag costumes, and we recently got a puppy whom we co-parent with our friend, burlesque performer Kate Foster. Lachie spends a lot of time making the garden beautiful. And he still brings me flowers. Jens Radda performs as Skank Sinatra at Qtopia Sydney from 14-22 June Do you have a romantic realisation you'd like to share? From quiet domestic scenes to dramatic revelations, Guardian Australia wants to hear about the moment you knew you were in love. Your contact details are helpful so we can contact you for more information. They will only be seen by the Guardian. Your contact details are helpful so we can contact you for more information. They will only be seen by the Guardian.
CTV News
13-06-2025
- Entertainment
- CTV News
‘The coolest thing ever': B.C. couple's underwater proposal includes treasure chest and sea turtle
"My eyes were welling up." Adam finds out how a couple's unexpected connection led to a unforgettable proposal under the sea. ROYSTON, B.C. — As Cailin Lindsay walks along the beach in B.C., she recalls posing for a photo with her family in Mexico. They had asked a random person to take the picture when somebody else approached the group. 'Maxwell comes and takes the phone out of their hand and takes a picture of our family,' Cailin recalls with a laugh. 'That was our initial meet and greet.' The person who took the photo was Maxwel Hohn. He was also on vacation and recognized Cailin's dad John because they had worked together when he was a commercial diver. 'And I was like, 'Oh! John has a daughter!'' Maxwel recalls with a smile. 'So, I had a really good in, because I was (already) accepted by the father in the family.' Although Cailin and Maxwel grew up in the same place, they'd never met before this. 'We really hit it off,' Cailin says. 'It just kinda flowed.' They discovered they had similar upbringings, shared common values, and enjoyed the same interests. So, they decided to go diving there together, which turned out to be their first date. 'I pretty much figured she was 'the one' after the second day I knew her,' Maxwel says. But it wasn't until three years later, after Cailin and Maxwel started working together on his wildlife cinematography business — with clients that included National Geographic, Netflix, and Disney — that they really realized how good a team they really were. 'True love exists,' Cailin says. 'Wait for the right person, you'll know it.' That's when Maxwel decided to spend six months planning a surprise for Cailin, during a diving trip to the Galapagos Islands. 'All the things that could go wrong were going wrong,' Maxwel says. The current was so strong that day, the thing that Maxwel had hidden earlier on the bottom of the ocean seemed to have swept away. But then, Cailin spotted a giant sea turtle. 'I was watching the turtle,' Cailin says. 'Then my gaze shifts and I notice this treasure chest.' 'It was like the turtle was guarding the chest,' Maxwel says. 'It was the coolest thing ever.' 'And I'm like, 'Whoa! What is that doing here !?'' Cailin says. ''That can't be for us.'' But when Cailin opened it, she found it filled with photos documenting her and Maxwel's love story, beginning with that first date. 'I started crying,' Cailin says. 'My eyes were welling up and my mask was filling with tears.' Because she knew then, without having to read the love letter Maxwel had also placed in a bottle, or wear the engagement ring that was also resting in the chest, that the answer to his proposal was absolutely 'yes.' 'I was just over the moon,' Cailin smiles. 'I just couldn't believe he had put so much thought and energy into a proposal.' While they celebrated their proposal on a boat, and expect their wedding to be staged on dry land, the couple is committed to spending as much as they can as husband and wife under the sea.
ABC News
13-06-2025
- General
- ABC News
Loneliness — you're not alone, from Ladies, We Need To Talk
Sana Hello, it's Sana here. We're doing something a little bit different on All In The Mind this week. You are a fan of the show, right? So you know that we like to dig deep on the mental health challenges that people are going through. So I wanted to share an episode from our friends over at the ABC podcast, Ladies, We Need To Talk, about loneliness. It's a topic right in our wheelhouse, and in Australia, about a third of us feel lonely. That's according to the 2023 Ending Loneliness Together report. And on top of that, many of us are embarrassed to talk about it. But at All In The Mind and at Ladies, We Need To Talk, that is what we do. We talk about the stuff that can be sometimes tricky to open up about, so that all of us listening can feel hopefully less alone. So here's the episode. Sandy You can't say, hey, I really feel lonely at the moment or I don't feel that connected because it's not something we talk about in society. Sofie It feels pretty shit. It just feels like your heart hurts, your chest Bella hurts. From the outside we could look like a very sociable person who potentially has it all, but feel incredibly lonely. Sandy You can feel lonely when you're surrounded by people. Yumi It's like 5.40am and I'm just getting in my car to drive to meet some friends, to go for a run this morning. So it's still pitch dark outside, which is how I like it because it's too hot otherwise. And then you get the most glorious sunrise as you're running. There's my friend's car. Once or twice a week I get up at the crack of dawn and I drive in the dark to run between 7 and 10 kilometres. Alright, what do I need for this run? I started this running group during COVID lockdowns because I was ashamed to discover that I didn't really know any people who lived close by me. Morning. Hey, what happened? Do you remember Val? Hey. It's not as humid, is it? Like I have friends, but none of them lived all that close by and none of them wanted to go running. So I reached out and made the first move with people from my neighbourhood and now there's a small group of us who meet up for runs. Look, there's the sunrise. Shall we try and sprint that last, after we get around the corner? Sometimes followed by coffee, sometimes not, and there's always a lot of chat. Sofie The endorphins at the end of running are just a bit like jumping in the ocean, you just never regret it. Sandy Well, you know, it's a shame if you don't get out of bed and drive. Yumi Having this quite wholesome thing in common with people has helped me through some tough times and the friendships that I've made with my fellow joggers are super dorky and have nothing to do with work and the whole thing has made me feel way more connected to my community. The sad truth is we're lonelier than we've ever been. In Australia, almost a third of us feel lonely. That's according to the 2023 Ending Loneliness Together report. There's a sense of shame around our loneliness. More than half of those who feel lonely do not talk about it. And loneliness doesn't just feel awful, the science shows it's really bad for our physical and mental health. So why, in this hyper-connected world of WhatsApp group chats and being only a few swipes away from a shag or a pash, why are we lonelier than ever? And what can we do about it? I'm Yumi Steins. Ladies, we need to talk about loneliness. Sandy It was just torrential rain and the first Uber cancelled on me. Then the second Uber cancelled on me. Oh no. And then the third Uber, I was just so desperate. I rang him, I said, please tell me you are on your way. Yumi This is Sandy. She's waiting for a ride and the rain is hammering down. It's her 50th birthday. Sandy I got out and I got into the bar and I just sat there by myself and ordered myself a lovely glass of champagne. And I actually said to the bartender, I said, it's actually my birthday. And he said, oh, happy birthday. And I said, thank you. And besides my son at home and my son who called me from overseas, no one really sort of said anything. I didn't feel I could ring anyone. Yumi So I have a real picture of you at this bar looking great in your birthday outfit with a glass of champagne in hand. Sandy Even thinking about it now, I get emotional. It was very hard not to be upset and just having that sinking feeling in your gut. And for me, I feel it in my chest as well, almost like I'm forgetting to breathe. And it's a mixture of feeling upset, but also feeling embarrassed. And that sense of shame that I'm 50 and I'm at a bar by myself. And my husband's overseas. And I spent the morning with my dog and my cat. Yumi And predictably, the family pets had not organised a surprise party nor a birthday cake for Sandy. Those pets are rubbish. But there's nothing like sitting in a bar alone on a really important milestone birthday to make you reflect. Sandy I thought to myself, I would just love to have a group of friends. I know people and I have friends, but I don't have that, you know, sex in the city, we're so close or that, you know, we went to high school and we're going to celebrate every birthday together. And I was just like, you know what, I'll just sit here and just have my champagne. Yumi How were you feeling in the lead up to that big milestone? Sandy I was dreading it. My husband had at the last minute been invited to go and do a management course. And it was the week of my birthday. And I wasn't going to say no, but I was dreading it. And I just really would have liked to have just slept through it. And I still remember the day before thinking to myself, I've just got to get through it. And I'd taken the day off work and I thought to myself, why did I bother? I've got nothing planned. I'm pretty sure he hasn't planned anything. Yumi Sandy comes across as someone completely together. Sandy When you meet my husband and I and you see our boys, we look like we have everything and we look like we're a great couple and we're super happy. Yumi Throughout her marriage, Sandy has kept herself busy raising her boys, supporting her husband and working. Sandy But for me, there is this sense of loneliness where I feel like there's a disconnect. Yumi One of the kids has left home already and the other isn't too far from going. And Sandy's been forced to think about what her life will look like afterwards. Sandy I'm at a point now where the boys don't need me very much, but I'm sitting here going, oh, what do I do now? Yumi A lot of women have written to us saying they feel lonely in their marriages. You know, you're married to this person, but you're actually lonely a lot of the time. Does that resonate for you? Yes. Yes. Do you still sleep in the same bed? Sandy Yeah. Yep. But there's no sort of like kiss goodnight, no sort of cuddles or anything like that, which I've just gotten used to. Yeah. As sad as that sounds. Yumi Can I ask you, do you feel like you've moved further apart from each other as your marriage has gone on or is it just sort of always been at this distance? Sandy I think we've moved further apart. But I think if you asked my husband, he would not acknowledge that. He's not someone that shows emotion or will give you a hug. And sometimes I just crave that. Yumi Outside of her marriage, Sandy works, she goes to yoga and she has friends, but she doesn't have those ride or die friends. Sandy And I at times can't figure out why, because I do think I'm pretty easygoing. I'm easy to get along with. I am social, but for whatever reason, it just hasn't happened that way. Yumi And admitting to others that you're lonely, that can be pretty awkward. Sandy I was having a particularly tough day. So I went to yoga, not feeling great, but hoping that by getting on my mat, I would feel better. And my friend at yoga, she said, how was your weekend? And I said, not that great. How was yours? She said, oh, we went for a long lunch. And said, that must have been lovely. I said, you know, sometimes I find it really hard to meet people at this age and I feel lonely. And she looked at me sort of wide-eyed and I looked at her wide-eyed and I thought, oh, shit. I've made myself really vulnerable here. And she said, oh, yeah, it can be slightly difficult. Oh, yes. Okay, I've got to go to work now. I'll see you later on in the week. And I just grabbed my mat. Oh, and I just raced out the door. And I could feel myself getting red and just feeling hot in the face, like, why did I say that? Bella Loneliness is stigmatised. A lot of us don't want to admit we're lonely still. Yumi Dr Bella Ingram is a clinical psychologist and postdoctoral research fellow at the University of Wollongong. Bella If we look at national data, even the general public perceives that, you know, someone who admits they're lonely, there must be something wrong with them. Yumi Bella's research focuses on loneliness and the role of social connections in health and wellbeing. Bella In Australia, we're predominantly a Western culture, which is quite an individualistic culture. And that's pretty terrible for loneliness. Yumi And the research shows unequivocally that women are lonelier than ever. Bella What we know about loneliness is that that really comes about when we kind of have these shifts in identity and when we're undergoing life transitions. And a woman who's sort of trying to navigate a career path, for example, and also trying to navigate parenthood and perhaps a carer for elderly parents as well, there's a lot of roles in there. And so trying to figure out where there's time and space left for social relationships, that kind of often falls by the wayside. Yumi And it turns out that loneliness is making us really sick. Bella So there's a lot of research out there now that talks about loneliness being linked to, you know, high risk for morbidity and mortality. It's worse for us than smoking and obesity. And the reason for this, we think, is that loneliness is linked to cortisol, the stress hormone. And so when we're lonely, our cortisol increases and this reduces our immune system. We know that cortisol is also not great for weight. It's not great for a range of things. And so that's one of the theories behind why loneliness impacts our physical health. Yumi The research shows a particularly strong link between loneliness and cardiovascular disease. Bella When we're lonely, we might be more likely to drink alcohol. We might be more likely to binge eat, to comfort ourselves. And all of these kind of behavioral risk factors, what we call them, are also really big contributors to heart disease. Yumi And yeah, I can almost hear you saying, yeah, duh, Yumi, because loneliness, of course, hurts our mental health too. Bella Loneliness and depression are really intertwined. Loneliness and anxiety are really intertwined. And we know that people who are lonely tend to experience poorer physical and mental health. But also it's the people that might also have existing mental health conditions or existing physical health conditions that are also more likely to experience loneliness. Ah, so it's a cycle. It's a reciprocal cycle and it's a nasty one. Yumi What are the measures of loneliness? Bella It's a really tricky one. A lot of scales don't necessarily use the term lonely. They kind of dance around it a little bit. And I think that's still this big question mark is how do we know if I asked you, Yumi, how would I know if you feel lonely? There's going to be a range of different reactions that we have. So some women, they might completely withdraw and maybe no one will notice. For other women, they're going to power on and act like nothing's going on and they might not even know they feel lonely themselves. Yumi Yeah, I just felt really confronted when you asked me how do I know when I feel lonely because it's very hard to describe. I think the last time I felt really lonely was years ago because I've got so many children around me. I'm sort of always in company and feeling quite loved. But I remember the feeling of my bed, the space in my bed next to me being empty and it's being very symbolic of the emptiness inside of my heart. Do you know what I mean? Like this yawning great big expansive bed that nobody is sleeping next to me. But yeah, how would you put that into a survey that is specific to different individual experiences? Very tricky, very interesting. Bella So what we know about loneliness is that that really comes about when we kind of have these shifts in identity, when we're undergoing life transitions. Yumi By life transitions, we're talking the big stuff, puberty, your 20s and 30s when the career and baby race is on, divorce, my favourite, perimenopause, major illness, empty nesting. Bella And when we think about that, it's that, you know, a woman who's sort of trying to navigate a career path, for example, and also trying to navigate parenthood and perhaps a carer for elderly parents as well. There's a lot of roles in there. And so trying to figure out where there's time and space left for social relationships, that kind of often falls by the wayside. How am I going to progress? What's next for me? So all these questions, I think, can really play into our sense of identity, which can then play into do I belong? Yumi So the overarching idea that I'm getting from this, Dr. Beller, is that it's needing a sense of belonging and the absence of belonging that creates a feeling of loneliness. And when we move from life stage to life stage, it's a bit of a reinvention or a redrawing of ourselves where we're unsure at that point in our lives of where we belong. That's a beautiful nutshell. When we set out to make this episode, we did a call out via my Instagram asking if anyone wanted to share their experiences of loneliness. And God, we appreciate that so many of you are willing to share. One of the voice notes we received really hit hard. Sofie I am a 35-year-old single female. I've just come back from overseas. Most of my girlfriends are married, who have their own children now. And I am childless and not in a relationship. Yumi This is Ladies' Listener, Sophie. Sofie My friends are now in a different spot in their lives. And I feel incredibly lonely. Even when I'm out with them and they don't have their kids with them, I just thought I would share this because, you know, maybe this can be some sort of, I don't know, help me through by talking about it. It's one of the most lonely stuff I've felt in my whole life. Yumi Being at a different stage of life from your mates can be isolating for so many women, especially if your friends are in the marriage and babies era and you're not. And as Dr Bella pointed out, those states of transition are often the loneliest dots on your timeline. After hearing Sophie's voice note, we wanted to meet her in real life. Sandy Hi, Gab. Alright. Yumi Okay. Feel free to take your time. Okay. It's a sensitive thing to talk about. Yeah. And we want to get deep in the feels of it. So can you tell us about a recent time when you've hung out with your friends with the babies? What is it like to be there as the person who doesn't have the baby? Sofie It can be quite isolating and I try not to let it be isolating because I'm one of those people who just makes a joke but I'm actually feeling quite uncomfortable and I'll go up at the end of sentences. So I try not to make it feel awkward but it kind of does. And I find that the awkwardness more comes after the event and then the reality of it comes out which is I don't have that. Yumi A lot of women will be able to relate to your yearning for a baby and a family. Can you describe that feeling of yearning? It Sofie feels pretty shit. It just feels like your heart hurts, your chest hurts and you want that and you don't know what you can do to get that. Yumi That chest hurt feeling, I think that'd be very familiar for a lot of women. Yeah. How often are you feeling that? Is it all day? Is it just sometimes? Sofie No, it's every now and then. Like it just pops up. Like now that we're talking about it I can definitely feel it, you know, simmering. And you know, if you hear another baby announcement or even like so and so is getting married. Yumi Loneliness comes in waves for Sophie. It can be painful in those big, loud announcement type moments but the quiet times can often be even harder. Sofie The loneliness I think can come often at night time, often on the weekend. That's when I feel it the most because during the week I'm like go, go, go, go, go. And then the weekend comes, you reach out to your mates and they're busy with their families. It can be like a Saturday night and you're like, oh, I'm not doing anything. Like it's just me and the dog, who I love, but she doesn't talk to me so, you know. Yumi Staying in at home on a Saturday night inevitably involves an element of FOMO and that sense of a clock ticking for Sophie that a lot of single 30-something women can relate to. Sofie I feel like I'm kind of wasting my time. You know, I should be out there. That's what people are doing and I'm not doing that. And you know, it kind of often ends in a cry. You caught me on a, that was like a Saturday night. Yumi Oh, on a cry night. Yeah, that was cry night. Crying is good. Yeah, I love a good cry. I can tell Sophie that you're funny and you're outgoing and you're quite good company. I mean, in the short time that we've spent together. Do you feel like admitting out loud to people, to humans, that you're lonely kind of is a bit of a vibe kill? Sofie Totally. Yumi Right. Yeah. So you don't want to be that guy? Sofie No, I don't want to be that guy, but you know, jokes aside, which is big for me to say, but jokes aside, I do think it's a really important thing to talk about. Yumi After returning from living overseas at the end of last year, Sophie's got some new roomies. Sofie I'm back at home with my parents. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, Sophie. Yeah. That's a horny place to be living. It's a really great place if you're dating, you know. Oh my God. Like, my parents are great. They're like housemates, but I feel like the closest people in my life at the moment are my parents. Because at this time in my life, that care and love surely should have been passed down to these imaginary children that I thought I was going to have. Yumi Let's talk about being single. Okay. So what do you think that having a partner would bring to your life? Sofie I've thought about this a lot. I don't know what a partner would bring to my life because I don't think my life is horri- like, I don't think it's terrible and I'm quite self-sufficient on my own. Sounds like it. So I don't know what a partner would bring, but I know that it would be nice. I see my parents who have been married for a long time. You know, you kind of long for something that's like that. Yeah. Yumi You know? The yearning for a romantic partner occupies a lot of space in Sophie's mind. Sofie I've been single a long time and I'd like- even though I know it might not be great or they might disappoint the crap out of me, I just want to try it again. You know? I was- now I'm going to get emotional. I was in a relationship when I was in my early 20s and then it ended. And I've not had a connection with someone like that for a long time and I do- I would like that again. You know? Just to- just to- yeah. Yumi What do you miss about it? Sofie Just that someone's in your court, you know? Bella I would argue that loneliness is more about the quality of relationships than the quantity. Yumi This is Dr Bella Ingram again. And by quality, she means getting your needs met. Bella So a varied range of needs. I mean, having shared values, not just hobbies, but actually really being able to connect with someone and go- walk away from that connection and be like, that's my person. Whereas quantity is around, you know, I've got a thousand social media followers. Yumi If you look at people's social media feeds, you could be forgiven for thinking that no one's lonely and everybody's surrounded by really gorgeous friends and doing fun stuff. It's hard not to compare to the shiny, happy versions of life when we see our friends, particularly real people that we know, living that life. Bella I think as women, we're all guilty of this, but we know comparison is the thief of joy. We know social comparisons that are more pronounced now by social media and the accessibility of information can be really difficult when it comes to loneliness because it's exactly what you described. You see something and think, how come I don't have that? What am I doing wrong? Yumi A big part of Bella's research is the connection between women's drinking and loneliness. Bella Women are increasingly one of the highest consumers of alcohol in Australia, particularly middle-aged women. These are also the women that are reporting feeling more and more lonely and women are turning to alcohol to fill a void of some sorts and it becomes a bit of a habit as well. We know that alcohol can be a social facilitator in some instances. It can really help us lighten up, be able to engage in interactions that we might have felt a bit uncomfortable to do otherwise. Yumi But it can be a slippery slope. Bella Where we might find ourselves drinking quite a bit or too much even on one instance and we can actually no longer socially engage very well. We could do things we regret, we could say things we regret, we might wake up feeling a bit embarrassed or we might just find ourselves in this habit of just relying on alcohol to be able to engage socially. Yumi So, okay, we shouldn't rely on alcohol to numb our loneliness but what can we do to protect ourselves from that feeling of loneliness? Bella I think it takes a lot of introspection. I think it's about knowing yourself and so this is going to be difficult for some women and easier for others. But I think if you have a good sense of your values and what's important to you, that's going to be your compass to help navigate you in terms of where you're going to belong. But you're going to know, you're going to trust your gut and you'll know whether they're your people or not at the end of the day. Yumi I like that idea of knowing yourself and having a compass to kind of steer you to the right people. But in essence, isn't making friends hard? Bella Yes, it is so hard and I think again, this is, it takes self-compassion and it takes bravery and courage and I think what it's about is persistence too. What we also know is that navigating knockbacks can be really tricky. That's a really big barrier to being able to connect with other people is that fear of knockbacks. It's shame, it's embarrassment. And it trickles into all this, am I good enough? Yumi Doctor, as somebody who's an expert in this field, who spends a lot of time thinking about loneliness, what are you doing to shore up your own personal future so that you don't become a lonely old woman? Bella My poor husband, I talk to him about this all the time, the poor guy. So I'm giving myself permission to not have to have a big social network that doesn't necessarily fill my cup. I think I'm recognizing that I'm going to have different needs met in different places. So I have some needs met with my work relationships and I love that because I don't get that need met with my husband or some of my friend groups. I'm recognizing that with my husband, I have a lot of needs met, but he's not interested in talking politics with me. That's for friends. And then I walk away from those interactions feeling full, feeling valued, feeling recognized. Sandy We don't acknowledge that there is loneliness in the world and there's loneliness within marriages and that it's okay to feel that way. Yumi It took a lot of courage for Sandy to come on Ladies We Need To Talk and open up about her loneliness, but she wants to shed some light on the issue. Sandy I think it's not acknowledged enough and I wish that women were a bit more honest about it. Yumi What would you say to someone listening right now who is feeling alone in her marriage and her community? Sofie Oh, that's very tricky. Sandy I think that probably what I would say is what someone said to me this morning, is that you're stronger than you think you are and you think you can't do it, but you can. What I would also say to women is you deserve a life, your own life. Yumi As for Sophie, who sent us the voice memo on cry night, she's still struggling with her loneliness, but taking steps in the right direction. Sofie I'm in the bottom of the pit right now. Yumi Well, thank you for reaching out from the bottom of the pit. You're welcome. So what sort of things do you do to try to build connection with others? Sofie I've enrolled in doing a course, not to how to meet people. Yeah, just a course. Just a course of something that I'm interested in, which is a great way to meet people. I exercise, I do boxing classes and I date a lot. Yumi It's not just Sophie who's keen to find a partner. The people around her are invested too. Sofie I hear so and so saying, do you know this guy? Have you met this guy before? Maybe we can set you up. Just because there's two single people doesn't mean we're going to be compatible. Sofie Absolutely not. But they're like, Oh, I know a guy. Sofie Yeah. And you're single and so is he. Sofie He's got an odour. Sofie Yeah, but that's fine. Sofie He hasn't worked in 14 years. I mean, he doesn't have a girlfriend and you don't have a boyfriend. Sofie So maybe you guys would be a match. Yumi Okay, there are six things to take from this. Number one, just because your friend is single doesn't mean she wants you to set them up with some random jobless guy who smells like unwashed butt and corn chips. Be real. The world's man scraps are not your friend's future husbands. Stop that. Number two, cats and dogs are terrible at organising surprise parties and are officially being put on notice that they need to get their shit together or risk being scrap heaped next to the man scraps. Number three, one spouse cannot meet all one's needs. You need to build a social network of awesome people beyond that one person so that you have different people to tap when you have a different need. Four, you can expect transition times to be tough. That includes transitions to new motherhood, menopause, unemployment, divorce. Any situation where you're no longer living the same daily setup that you were. Prepare for this by buying more cats and dogs. Number five, making friends takes intention, work and vulnerability. It may also involve making the first move. My advice is to have a cool thing that you want to do, whether it be going running at dawn or having a sewing group or finding like-minded anti-pollution mining company saboteurs or starting a rock band or acting in amateur theatre or getting into swinging. Have a shared purpose that preferably doesn't involve drugs or alcohol and takes the focus off you and onto the thing that you can do together. Number six and the final on our list, the definition of loneliness is craving connection and not getting it. If you are lonely, we really hope this episode helps and please know that you're not the only one. Yumi This podcast was produced on the lands of the Gundungurra and Gadigal peoples. Ladies We Need To Talk is mixed by Ann-Marie de Bettencoe. It's produced by Elsa Silberstein. Supervising producer is Tamar Cranswick and our executive producer is Alex Lollback. This series was created by Claudine Ryan.
