4 days ago
Michael Moynihan: Can you pass a Leaving Cert exam about Cork?
I know it's traditional to wish those sitting the Leaving Cert exams all the best before those tests actually start, but how about now, when it hasn't quite finished?
Looking at the timetable, I see a good few subjects have been done, and some of the remaining tests are pretty esoteric, but still: thoughts and best wishes to those still facing the LC.
It won't be long now, believe me, when you'll be able to forget your test number rather than having it haunt you 40 years on.
(085087246. Brr.) Count yourselves lucky you are not facing the exam next year, however, when there will be a new subject on the curriculum. Find below the first example of test papers in a whole new field I am proposing to the Department of Education: Cork studies.
This is a deeper, richer examination of our heritage, one with a robust academic footing that takes cognisance of a history and context going back into the mists of (and so on in a similar vein for a while).
It is also something of a response to a friend of mine who, while generally liberal on most matters, adopts a very strong Toryish line on one specific issue.
People in Cork who are originally from other counties but who get their children to support their parents' counties rather than Cork, the place those children were born and raised and educated, a gross betrayal...
(I once tried to point out this was dangerously close to Norman Tebbit's old cricket test: one of Margaret Thatcher's grimmer handmaidens, Tebbit asked if the children of immigrants to England supported their parents' countries in cricket games between those nations, but I didn't belabour the point. He gets a reddish light in his eye when he's talking about this).
Anyway. Cork studies.
We won't be jumping head first into the Leaving Cert, of course. Junior certificate examination first. If you're interested in getting a jump on the opposition, am happy to supply a sample JC test paper (ordinary level, but what harm).
JUNIOR CERTIFICATE (ORDINARY LEVEL)
1. What is the first line of the second verse of The Banks?
A. What is The Banks?
B. 'Tis a beautiful land this dear isle of song.
C. After all I really love you.
2. From Cork I go up to Dublin but I go - - Youghal.
A. Across to.
B. Over to.
C. Down to.
3. Where is 98 Street?
Off the Bandon Road and down to Noonan Road.
Is 98 Street down the side of Lennox's?
Down the side of Lennox's.
Both of the above at the same time.
4. Everyone in Cork knows where the airport is. Where was it supposed to be located?
A. Carrigtwohill.
B. Nad.
C. Castletownberehaven.
5. The most dangerous pedestrian crossing in Cork is:
A. Where Victoria Avenue, Victoria Road, and Blackrock Road meet.
B. Any crossing next to or near to the Elysian.
C. Getting from Merchant's Quay to Bridge Street (any route).
6. Cork's natural enemies are:
A. Kerry people.
B. Dublin people.
C. Ah, would you stop.
Once you've taken this intermediate step you are then ready for the senior cycle (it should be noted here there will be no exemptions of any sort granted on any basis to any Leaving Cert student attending a Cork school). The questions below are from a sample paper which illustrates the multidisciplinary nature of Cork Studies.
LEAVING CERTIFICATE (HIGHER LEVEL)
MUSIC: In the song 'The Armoured Car' we are reminded that while glory is a fleeting sensation which vanishes in a heartbeat, a good dog is forever.
Discuss this statement, developing your response with reference to the song of the same name. Bonus points for citing 'The Armoured Car's real name.
ECONOMICS: The fragile cash-based economy of the North Monastery primary school was rocked by a devastating event in 1975, when a bottle of Cadet (red lemonade) and a bag of Tayto crisps moved beyond 5p. This made it necessary to possess two coins, not one, for this essential food combination.
Track the effect of this price rise on the schoolboy economy with reference to the oil crisis occurring across the world at the time.
ENGLISH: What is the greatest poem ever written about or in Cork?
Use quotations in your answer, with special consideration to be given to references to The Rancher's Curse, A Nocturne for Blackpool, and Cúl an Tí.
GEOGRAPHY: Where is the smallest hill in Ireland, easily accessible within Cork?
Bonus points if the downstairs pub nearby, now long gone, can be named.
ACCOUNTING: If a small shed on Patrick's Street is removed from its original location and abandoned in a yard until it starts to fall to pieces, how much should it cost to relocate and renovate that small shed years later in another part of Cork?
Bonus points if a breakdown of the costs of filming said work can be provided.
HISTORY: Examine the proposed location of the Event Centre, with reference to other facilities in Cork which might have been placed in more advantageous settings (Junior Cert students may recall pointed questions about the airport).
Examine the proposed location of the Event Centre, with reference to other facilities in Cork which might have been placed in more advantageous settings. Picture: Larry Cummins
Bonus points for any evidence of traffic congestion at the South Gate Bridge circa 1788, not at all likely to recur when the new centre is built.
E NGINEERING: When the South City Luas is eventually installed, what tune should be played to soothe passengers, particularly when the Northside of the city comes into view?
Bonus points for any combination of 'Southern Nights', 'South Of The Border', or 'Take Me To The River'.
ART: The so-called 'Robot Trees' were supposedly introduced to Cork to help purify the air of the city, but are now recognised as one of the most audacious modern art installations of the 21st century.
Cork's Robot Trees: Describe the levels of irony involved in this piece, how those pieces have forced more attention on the concept of a 'bench', and locate them in the pantheon of modern Irish art. Picture: Andy Gibson
Describe the levels of irony involved in this piece, how those pieces have forced more attention on the concept of a 'bench', and locate them in the pantheon of modern Irish art. Bonus points for students explaining the persistence of bird poo on the remaining parts of the RTs.
BIOLOGY: Account for the strength of the female bladder in Cork as evidenced by the lack of public toilets for same within the city centre.
Bonus points for references citing personal experience without being too graphic.
BUSINESS: If there are seven vape shops in Cork City for every citizen, then how are a) Corkonians ingesting more vaping products than the entire population of Los Angeles and b) how are all those shops turning a profit?
Bonus points if accounts can be cross-indexed with those of phone repair outlets.
The eagle-eyed may have noted the focus on examinations above rather than the syllabus itself. In an effort to reduce teaching burdens, this will be self-directed learning on the part of the students, absorbed through their lived experience in Cork.
In other words, if they know, they don't need to be told. If they need to be told, they just don't know what it means to be from Cork.
