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20 hours ago
- Health
- Yahoo
What Age Is Right for Dating? Therapists and Parents Weigh In
I can still remember the day my 5-year-old son started telling me all about his four (!) kindergarten girlfriends. I thought it was pretty darn cute and, to be honest, I was just relieved that my shy and sometimes truculent little kid was making friends with such ease. Now that my daughter (who is my oldest child) is 10 years old and definitely on the cusp of puberty, conversations about crushes feel a little more like the real thing—namely because it's clearly the earliest form of hormone-driven feelings for a peer. And to be honest, this development does contribute to a growing sense of dread about the teen years that lie ahead. Anyways, you can probably see where I'm going with this, so I'll get straight to the point: How soon is too soon for kids to start doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing? And when can they graduate to actual dating? I went to two Clinical Psychologists (PhD) and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) for some expert advice, plus pooled parents across the country, and the answer is… it depends. Experts and caregivers pretty much agree that there is no single age where dating becomes acceptable, and that it's more about your child's maturity level and understanding. Read on for more nuance on the subject. Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field. Jephtha Tausig, PhD, Clinical Psychologist and Supervisor at Columbia University, Mount Sinai Medical Center, Adelphi University, and the Fairwinds Clinic. Dr. Jeph received her doctorate in clinical psychology with distinction from Columbia University and has over 20 years experience working with children, adolescents and adults. Jonathan W. Smith, LMFT is the Founder and Director at The Center for Family Wellness. His areas of expertise include individual therapy for mood and behavior issues, child behavior as well as couples and family therapy. JT: It's important to remember that our definitions of the terms 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' may mean something different to us as adults from what they mean to your child. Similarly, the way that young children, or older children, teens, and young adults define terms like 'dating' changes over time as they evolve developmentally. So, this is where open communication with your child becomes very important. JS: First, I want to point out that this topic is very expressly separate from sexual behaviors, which should be discouraged until the child is developmentally able to comprehend the consequences and implications of that type of relationship and how to stay safe and maintain self-respect. That said, the answer as to when a kid should be allowed to date is that it depends. Children are not one size fits all and will all demonstrate varying levels of maturity and readiness for dating at differing ages. BC: Biology alone can't decide this because puberty might ignite interest by ages 10 to 12 but the brain's circuitry for self-regulation lags behind by about a decade. That's why when biology hits the gas early in puberty, it's the job of society (specifically the parents) to supply a learner's permit. Parents need to look for behavioral readiness rather than a birthday. That said, typical guardrails are casual group dates around ages 12-13 (i.e., middle school) and solo dating around age 16. JT: It's really about what your 7-year-old feels 'a boyfriend' means. See if you can find out more from her about this in a genuinely curious, interested manner. What does she think having a boyfriend means and how does that work? (Very often at this stage, having a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' could be something that lasts for a few hours or days at most). As for kissing on the lips, you should certainly ask about that. (Why did they do that? Whose idea was it? Are they following behaviors that they have seen adults do? Is this something they were dared to do by peers?) It's good to find out information first before providing a boundary for your child. (This could be something along the lines of 'you will have plenty of time to kiss someone on the lips later, right now you don't need to do that.') JS: A 7-year-old who is "dating" a classmate might believe it is dating just to declare that they are dating. [At this age], a child who kisses another child on the lips is likely copying behavior modeled by television, parents, older siblings or other adults rather than acting on an internal drive for intimacy. This child can be told about social rules and "time and place" rules society has about dating and affection. Children can be allowed to pretend to "date" without developmental harm, and any correction for kids who either intentionally or unintentionally go "too far" should be without shame and humiliation, and couched in terms of readiness, not appropriateness. BC: At 7 years old a child is in the 'playground romance' stage: concrete, imaginative, and heavily influenced by peer story-lines (think recess versions of Disney plots). There's no mature concept of intimacy yet—just experimenting with labels and mimicry. If you hear from your child that they kissed at this age, I recommend that you keep your tone light and curious. Ask open questions and mirror the facts back without judgment. If you respond initially with visible shock or concern, your child will feel that they did something wrong and will avoid sharing this type of information with you in the future for fear of getting in trouble. I also strongly encourage parents to take this as an opportunity to introduce or revisit the importance of consent by having a conversation about it using age-appropriate language. JT: It's good to understand what is meant by 'dating.' Is this a large-group or small-group or one-on-one activity? Who else will be present? What are the expectations you have, as well as those held by your child, their peer and their peer's parents? It's always helpful for everyone to be on the same page and comfortable with whatever the boundaries/limits are. JS: What dating means to the child is very important contextual information for determining the correct age for dating. Cultural considerations are also relevant for parents and teens. In some families, a child may only be allowed to date based on strict codes regarding the purpose of dating and this, too, is not detrimental in and of itself. BC: Context is everything—and this includes family values and culture, peer environment and the individual temperament of the child. A practical rule of thumb is this: If a young person can calmly discuss boundaries, respect curfew/tech rules without constant reminders, and cope with rejection without emotional free-fall, they're probably ready for the kind of dating they're requesting. The experts covered this general question already, but Dr. Cook has a helpful list of specific signs to look for when assessing your child's readiness for dating. Here's a breakdown of what it should look like when your kid is ready to date for real: Self-Driven SafetyThey pack contraception info, have safe-ride apps (or other parent numbers) because they thought of it—not because you packed their metaphorical backpack. Boundary BossThey can say 'No, thanks' (and accept 'no' from others) without meltdowns or persuasion tactics. Emotional Seatbelts FastenedBig feelings—crushes, rejections, jealousy—show up, and your kid can label them ('I'm hurt, not ruined') and use coping tools instead of doom-scrolling or door-slamming. Respectful Tech HabitsPhones, texts, and DMs are handled with the same care you expect for a pet goldfish: fed responsibly, no late-night chaos, no disappearing 'secrets.' Curfew CredThey come home (or log off of tech) on time without 37 reminder texts. Reliable time-keeping = reliable rule-keeping. Friend-Group FirstRomance interests don't eclipse healthy friendships, sports or homework. A balanced social diet beats the all-crush crash diet. Additionally, dating fits alongside their current goals (grades, team try-outs, summer job), not against them. They treat relationships as add-ons, not identity makeovers. Problem-Solving MusclesWhen rides fall through, plans change, or someone flakes, they troubleshoot calmly instead of calling you to 'fix it now!' Consent Scripts on Speed DialThey know how to ask ('Is it OK if I…?'), check in ('Still comfortable?'), and adjust when the other person hesitates. Low Drama, High RepairDisagreements end with apologies and behavior changes—not revenge posts or silent treatment. Logical Leap CapacityThey can link actions to consequences ('If I ghost someone today, I'll see them in class tomorrow—awkward!') and plan accordingly. According to Dr. Cook, the best thing you can do is to start early. 'Start before they're even interested, because kids who have conversations about bodies, boundaries and crushes before their hormones hit are more likely to keep you in the loop later.' In other words, don't wait for 'the talk.' Talking to kids about dating shouldn't be one dreaded and awkwardly formal conversation. Or, in the words of Dr. Cook, 'think drip-irrigation, not fire-hose: dozens of short chats, started early, that grow with your child's brain and body.' Still feeling a little unsure with regards to boundary setting and dating between kids? We don't blame you. When in doubt, phone a friend. Actually, we did that for you by taking the question to a handful of parents across the country. Here's where they stand on the subject: 'I'd say 16. Kids don't have the maturity before that age to make solid judgments about mates and dating and sex…and they usually suffer from under-developed self-esteem.' — Debbie, California mom-of-two. 'I mean, my kids are both under the age of 5 right now so it's hard to say…but I guess I didn't have a boyfriend until age 12, so somewhere around there seems about right. Then again, it does feel like kids are growing up much faster now, so who knows.' — Nicole, New Jersey mom-of-two. 'Hmm…I think no earlier than 16 years old, but ideally 18, just due to emotional maturity and priorities to school, activities, friends, etc. Dating can get intense and also be a distraction if not ready!' — SZ, New York mom-of-one. 'I think it's totally fine for kids as young as 8 to say they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, because I'd assume the title is more just a statement of friendship without any understanding or intention of romance. As for real, romantic dating…maybe 14 or 15 sounds fine, provided they take it really slow, and I know what's up. But boy, I don't know. My kids are still young (5 and 7) so I'm not there yet!' — Vivian, Rhode Island mom-of-two. 'I don't believe there's an age at which it starts being appropriate. What we do in my house is ask our kids what dating means to them, and then we decide if they are ready for that thing. So for example, last year my 12-year-old asked if she could date a boy. I asked her what that meant and she said, 'going out to lunch,' so we allowed her to do that. Additionally, there's so much nuance these days with gender fluidity that I don't think it makes sense to have hard and fast rules there. My daughter asked to have a sleepover with a boy who is her friend, and we simply evaluated based on these two kids and decided she could.' — Denise, Maryland mom-of-two When it comes to kids and dating, the therapists advise parents to ask neutral questions, consider the context (i.e., the maturity and intentions of your own kid) and then start a relevant and age-appropriate conversation about boundaries. In other words, understanding and communication is key. Allowances for Kids: How Much, Why Do It and When to Start
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5 days ago
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
Here's Why You Need a Slow Summer—According to Parents and Travel Experts
Imagine a summer where instead of rushing from camp to sports to road trips, you and your family prioritize simple pleasures—like family dinners, backyard games, reading, or lazy afternoons at the pool. This is the essence of slow summers. A more relaxed, less scheduled approach to the summer season, where families intentionally take a break from packed calendars, constant activities, and digital distractions. It's about savoring the summer, not just surviving it, and reminding yourself that you don't only have 18 summers with your kiddos. Audrey Schoen, LMFT, says that parents should give their kids that slow, '90s summer that we all remember. 'It's so much less stressful. Kids will remember how you are and what it was like to be with you more than anything you do with them or how fancy your vacations were. If you're overwhelmed, stressed, and irritable trying to make memories, you're focused on the wrong memories.' She says that by allowing yourself to slow down and just be present to the simple things, the focus is on the relationships. 'There is time and space to interact without an agenda or a schedule. This takes the pressure off by not having to worry about packing, traveling, or the expectation of creating a certain experience.' 'I would recommend scheduling time in,' Schoen says. 'Time at home, at a local park, or a community pool. Buy a water slide and a kiddie pool. Get a bunch of water guns and have battles. Make dinner a daily event. Nothing complicated, but something the whole family can do together. Get out in the backyard and turn on the grill while your kids play lawn games. Plan a day at a local lake with a potluck picnic and some family friends, with nothing more than your lawn chairs and some good food.' She would also suggest limiting screen time, not just for kids, but for adults as well. 'You can create schedules for screen use times, and use it wisely as needed for your sanity. But otherwise, put the devices down and let yourself be bored. Boredom is the birthplace of creativity and full presence. Limit big outings and travel to just a few trips.' Parents spoke to four families about how they're planning to implement a slow summer. During the Christmas break last year, Marianne Fransius, CEO of Bébé Voyage, took her 4 and 11-year-old kids on a very ambitious trip. They visited Argentina, Brazil, and Bolivia, and her husband and her parents joined them halfway through. The issue was that they went to too many places and were changing accommodations too often—the thought of doing a multi-destination trip again just seems exhausting, especially since they're moving to Belgium in August. She and her family are planning on packing up, sending their container in early June, and then, when school gets out, they will head to their country house to enjoy a slow summer. 'Maybe I'll put the little one in the local day camp for a couple weeks,' Fransius says. 'The older one is doing 12 days of off-grid hiking and camping. But besides that, we have nothing planned.' Her kids are eager to play in the lake, pick berries, and organize badminton tournaments. 'Presumably, the grandparents will come visit,' she continues. 'Maybe we'll have a couple friends over. Some new neighbors will be moving into our hamlet, which we'll get to know. Otherwise, it's going to be over a month of bike rides, farmer's markets, and swimming in the lake.' With seven children, Chad McAuliff, Financial Planner and Founder of Royal Stone Wealth Management, says that summer is always exciting and his family loves to go with the flow. 'We love having a flexible schedule and not letting our calendar control our days,' he explains. 'Plenty of outdoor time, we find places with discounts, coupons, or free to the public. Most activities we do throughout the summer are at home. Sleeping in for those that want to. Breakfast outside on many days.' He says that activities his kids will do include swimming, sandbox, games, rollerblading, bikes, tree swings, hammocking, gardening, water activities, and more. His intention is to spend less money, but spend more time together. For him, a slow summer simply means lazy days and not being busy, just enjoying the summer. "A slow summer can also mean saying no to many things and scheduling what you want instead. We say no to many things and then plan out our summer the way we want it. It could be a week of minimal activities. Or it could be we take a few days and go waterfall jumping. Or we invite friends and their kids over for a kickball game. It could be we all pick out a book and read outside in different places, like the fort, or tree swing, or lawn chair, or hammock, or back porch,' McAuliff describes. Monica Virga Alborno, engineer and founder of Wanderwild Family Retreats, has two children, 4 and under. They'll be spending their summer in New Jersey, New York, and Norway, but taking a mindful approach to travel. 'To make it happen, I have to be committed to saying no to invitations that put too much on our plate and allow our plans to have space for no agenda.' She and her family will be getting back to the basics—spending sun-soaked days exploring local lakes and hiking trails, and evenings under the stars camping outside in the backyard. She acknowledges that swapping packed schedules for more room in the margins will allow her family to have meaningful conversations, get curious, and allow them space to just observe. 'When my kids are grown, and choose to spend time with me because of our connection, that's my ultimate parenting goal, I believe slow summers will guide us to that.' Brittany Lewis, a PR professional, has a toddler who is three and a six-month-old baby, and they're having a slow summer this year. 'It's my goal every summer. We live in Milwaukee and love taking advantage of the beach, local pools, parks, farmers markets, etc.' She's doing this in a few ways, including leaving multiple weekends free of any obligations. 'Summer weekends tend to fill up so fast, but then summer flies by and it feels so busy, so I am keeping some weekends open for us to be intentionally slower so we can go on walks, garden, read, etc.' Lewis also plans to delete all social media for the summer and use an old-school digital camera to take pictures. 'I obviously love capturing all the amazing summer moments, but then I'm always pulling out my phone, and even if I'm on it for just a few seconds, it feels distracting and pulls me away from the present moment. So, I'm going to delete all of my social media for the summer so I'm not tempted to scroll after snapping a pic. I'm going to be leaving my phone in my beach bag, car, or purse wherever we go.' She also says she'll be prepping easy to-go meals every morning to pack in her family's picnic basket so that if they're having fun at a park or the beach, or the pool, they don't need to rush home to cook any meals. Lastly, she won't be signing her toddler up for any scheduled activities in the summer. He's only three and she doesn't want to be stuck to a schedule or have an obligated sport or activity they need to go to. 'What I love about having a toddler is how much they teach us to slow down–to notice the flowers blooming, to notice if the sky is gray or blue, and so on. I think it is good for all of us to do that—to take the time to notice the little things, to not feel rushed, to play uninterrupted, and I think you can do that more when you aren't rushing from one event to the next,' Lewis acknowledges. Read the original article on Parents
