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British blokes have forgotten how to dress for the sun – follow these tips for a more stylish summer look
REMEMBER when we used to laugh at German blokes on holiday?
You could spot them a mile off, with their mullets, vests, questionable moustaches, beer bellies and skimpy swimwear.
Well, now they are laughing at us because while they discovered style, we stole their look and made it worse by adding football shirts and Crocs.
Germans now cut a dash with their stylish minimalism.
The French embody effortless chic.
The Italians and Spanish dress with cool Latin style.
We, meanwhile, have become the poorly dressed man of Europe.
British men have forgotten how to dress for the sun and stock our summer wardrobes with football shirts, muscle tees, bucket hats, skinny jeans, ¾-length trackies and oversized sunglasses. Our identity crisis is a national disgrace.
On Spanish beaches our kids don't bury us in the sand because it's fun. They bury us because they're embarrassed by us, like cats burying their mess.
Not so long ago, summer used to be a stress-free affair for men of my age — I'm 55.
On beaches we disappeared into the background, unnoticeable behind expanding midriffs and cloaks of matted body hair.
We sat behind windbreaks, vests on, knotted hankies on head, trousers rolled up, reading the Racing Post.
I'm a men's fashion expert - these style mistakes are ruining your look and could even damage expensive items
No one expected anything of us. Women fretted about swimwear while we were allowed to gracefully surrender into middle-age spread.
We only had two beach role models, Peter Stringfellow with his thong, and David Hasselhoff, who spent half the 1980s sucking in his stomach and the other half driving a talking car.
But today more is expected of us. Blame social media if you want. The world has moved on.
Men are expected to care more about how they dress. But in the UK it seems we didn't get the memo and while Europeans got more stylish, British blokes spun off at a tangent, like a divergent timeline in Marvel's Loki series. But you can do better.
Some men try to break the mould, but get led astray trying to emulate celebrity role models.
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Timothée Chalamet can get away with his cargo-shorts-socks-and-sandals ensemble because he's Timothée Chalamet — but you are not.
Leave the short-shorts to Paul Mescal — because even he doesn't look good in them.
And despite what the fashion mags tell you, bold matching tops and trousers do not look good on men over 25.
Just look at Brad Pitt in his garish tie-dye tracksuit while out in New York City earlier this month. If a Hollywood superstar can't pull it off, you definitely can't.
There are celebrity outliers, however.
Take some pointers from Ryan Gosling, who makes it look easy with plain shirts and chinos, or David Beckham and his neutral bomber jacket, white T-shirt, pleated linen trousers and white trainers, or slightly more daring, Michael B Jordan in an animal print shirt with cool tonal trousers and leather shoes.
Now we are re-establishing better relations with our continental brethren, it's time to smarten up our act — and the good news is, it's not hard.
How do I know? Because I did it.
I too was once like you, a hopeless summer fashion victim.
I wore cargo shorts, West Ham footie shirts pulled over my dad-bod beer belly, and athleisure sandals. My swimwear of choice was below the knee board shorts.
On one holiday to the South of France I flirted with budgie smugglers after a traumatic experience in a French open-air swimming pool where board shorts were banned.
I didn't realise and was frog-marched from the pool by lifeguards who made me purchase tight trunks from a vending machine.
Walking back into the pool in my tiny new Lycra swimwear was like the walk of shame in Game Of Thrones.
Today a 5-inch inseam is as daring as I get (which is good style advice for any man).
My fashion salvation happened after I met a younger, stylish woman, who is now my wife. Stephanie, 45, knocked me into shape and taught me how to dress.
It didn't take a lot of effort and I even get compliments occasionally from my 23-year-old daughter and 18-year-old son.
So, as you head off for your hols, take a few tips from me. Ditch the football shirts, no one in Mykonos cares about Burnley FC.
Ditch anything with big logos on it. Wear leather sandals or espadrilles. Choose linen or seersucker short-sleeved shirts.
You can't go wrong with a polo shirt and tailored shorts in neutral palettes. Replace your battered baseball cap with a Panama hat.
Treat yourself to some understated sunglasses.
Bodies should get some attention too. Before 2006, we could get away with a hairy dad bod, but then the film Casino Royale hit the big screen, and when Daniel Craig emerged from the sea like God chiselled from marble he ruined it for all of us.
Now we're expected to look presentable in swimwear. So, get your back waxed, manscape your chest hair. Have a fake tan, but don't go mad. Ask for a light one.
Get your eyebrows shaped and tinted. It's not unusual any more and makes a big difference, I promise. No one is going to think any less of you.
Maybe swap a pint for a glass of rosé occasionally, or a mojito.
Just a few small tweaks and the new stylish you will fit right in on beaches from the Costas to the Greek islands.
Make the UK cool again, just don't mention Brexit.
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