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Yahoo
a day ago
- Health
- Yahoo
What Age Is Right for Dating? Therapists and Parents Weigh In
I can still remember the day my 5-year-old son started telling me all about his four (!) kindergarten girlfriends. I thought it was pretty darn cute and, to be honest, I was just relieved that my shy and sometimes truculent little kid was making friends with such ease. Now that my daughter (who is my oldest child) is 10 years old and definitely on the cusp of puberty, conversations about crushes feel a little more like the real thing—namely because it's clearly the earliest form of hormone-driven feelings for a peer. And to be honest, this development does contribute to a growing sense of dread about the teen years that lie ahead. Anyways, you can probably see where I'm going with this, so I'll get straight to the point: How soon is too soon for kids to start doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing? And when can they graduate to actual dating? I went to two Clinical Psychologists (PhD) and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) for some expert advice, plus pooled parents across the country, and the answer is… it depends. Experts and caregivers pretty much agree that there is no single age where dating becomes acceptable, and that it's more about your child's maturity level and understanding. Read on for more nuance on the subject. Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field. Jephtha Tausig, PhD, Clinical Psychologist and Supervisor at Columbia University, Mount Sinai Medical Center, Adelphi University, and the Fairwinds Clinic. Dr. Jeph received her doctorate in clinical psychology with distinction from Columbia University and has over 20 years experience working with children, adolescents and adults. Jonathan W. Smith, LMFT is the Founder and Director at The Center for Family Wellness. His areas of expertise include individual therapy for mood and behavior issues, child behavior as well as couples and family therapy. JT: It's important to remember that our definitions of the terms 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' may mean something different to us as adults from what they mean to your child. Similarly, the way that young children, or older children, teens, and young adults define terms like 'dating' changes over time as they evolve developmentally. So, this is where open communication with your child becomes very important. JS: First, I want to point out that this topic is very expressly separate from sexual behaviors, which should be discouraged until the child is developmentally able to comprehend the consequences and implications of that type of relationship and how to stay safe and maintain self-respect. That said, the answer as to when a kid should be allowed to date is that it depends. Children are not one size fits all and will all demonstrate varying levels of maturity and readiness for dating at differing ages. BC: Biology alone can't decide this because puberty might ignite interest by ages 10 to 12 but the brain's circuitry for self-regulation lags behind by about a decade. That's why when biology hits the gas early in puberty, it's the job of society (specifically the parents) to supply a learner's permit. Parents need to look for behavioral readiness rather than a birthday. That said, typical guardrails are casual group dates around ages 12-13 (i.e., middle school) and solo dating around age 16. JT: It's really about what your 7-year-old feels 'a boyfriend' means. See if you can find out more from her about this in a genuinely curious, interested manner. What does she think having a boyfriend means and how does that work? (Very often at this stage, having a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' could be something that lasts for a few hours or days at most). As for kissing on the lips, you should certainly ask about that. (Why did they do that? Whose idea was it? Are they following behaviors that they have seen adults do? Is this something they were dared to do by peers?) It's good to find out information first before providing a boundary for your child. (This could be something along the lines of 'you will have plenty of time to kiss someone on the lips later, right now you don't need to do that.') JS: A 7-year-old who is "dating" a classmate might believe it is dating just to declare that they are dating. [At this age], a child who kisses another child on the lips is likely copying behavior modeled by television, parents, older siblings or other adults rather than acting on an internal drive for intimacy. This child can be told about social rules and "time and place" rules society has about dating and affection. Children can be allowed to pretend to "date" without developmental harm, and any correction for kids who either intentionally or unintentionally go "too far" should be without shame and humiliation, and couched in terms of readiness, not appropriateness. BC: At 7 years old a child is in the 'playground romance' stage: concrete, imaginative, and heavily influenced by peer story-lines (think recess versions of Disney plots). There's no mature concept of intimacy yet—just experimenting with labels and mimicry. If you hear from your child that they kissed at this age, I recommend that you keep your tone light and curious. Ask open questions and mirror the facts back without judgment. If you respond initially with visible shock or concern, your child will feel that they did something wrong and will avoid sharing this type of information with you in the future for fear of getting in trouble. I also strongly encourage parents to take this as an opportunity to introduce or revisit the importance of consent by having a conversation about it using age-appropriate language. JT: It's good to understand what is meant by 'dating.' Is this a large-group or small-group or one-on-one activity? Who else will be present? What are the expectations you have, as well as those held by your child, their peer and their peer's parents? It's always helpful for everyone to be on the same page and comfortable with whatever the boundaries/limits are. JS: What dating means to the child is very important contextual information for determining the correct age for dating. Cultural considerations are also relevant for parents and teens. In some families, a child may only be allowed to date based on strict codes regarding the purpose of dating and this, too, is not detrimental in and of itself. BC: Context is everything—and this includes family values and culture, peer environment and the individual temperament of the child. A practical rule of thumb is this: If a young person can calmly discuss boundaries, respect curfew/tech rules without constant reminders, and cope with rejection without emotional free-fall, they're probably ready for the kind of dating they're requesting. The experts covered this general question already, but Dr. Cook has a helpful list of specific signs to look for when assessing your child's readiness for dating. Here's a breakdown of what it should look like when your kid is ready to date for real: Self-Driven SafetyThey pack contraception info, have safe-ride apps (or other parent numbers) because they thought of it—not because you packed their metaphorical backpack. Boundary BossThey can say 'No, thanks' (and accept 'no' from others) without meltdowns or persuasion tactics. Emotional Seatbelts FastenedBig feelings—crushes, rejections, jealousy—show up, and your kid can label them ('I'm hurt, not ruined') and use coping tools instead of doom-scrolling or door-slamming. Respectful Tech HabitsPhones, texts, and DMs are handled with the same care you expect for a pet goldfish: fed responsibly, no late-night chaos, no disappearing 'secrets.' Curfew CredThey come home (or log off of tech) on time without 37 reminder texts. Reliable time-keeping = reliable rule-keeping. Friend-Group FirstRomance interests don't eclipse healthy friendships, sports or homework. A balanced social diet beats the all-crush crash diet. Additionally, dating fits alongside their current goals (grades, team try-outs, summer job), not against them. They treat relationships as add-ons, not identity makeovers. Problem-Solving MusclesWhen rides fall through, plans change, or someone flakes, they troubleshoot calmly instead of calling you to 'fix it now!' Consent Scripts on Speed DialThey know how to ask ('Is it OK if I…?'), check in ('Still comfortable?'), and adjust when the other person hesitates. Low Drama, High RepairDisagreements end with apologies and behavior changes—not revenge posts or silent treatment. Logical Leap CapacityThey can link actions to consequences ('If I ghost someone today, I'll see them in class tomorrow—awkward!') and plan accordingly. According to Dr. Cook, the best thing you can do is to start early. 'Start before they're even interested, because kids who have conversations about bodies, boundaries and crushes before their hormones hit are more likely to keep you in the loop later.' In other words, don't wait for 'the talk.' Talking to kids about dating shouldn't be one dreaded and awkwardly formal conversation. Or, in the words of Dr. Cook, 'think drip-irrigation, not fire-hose: dozens of short chats, started early, that grow with your child's brain and body.' Still feeling a little unsure with regards to boundary setting and dating between kids? We don't blame you. When in doubt, phone a friend. Actually, we did that for you by taking the question to a handful of parents across the country. Here's where they stand on the subject: 'I'd say 16. Kids don't have the maturity before that age to make solid judgments about mates and dating and sex…and they usually suffer from under-developed self-esteem.' — Debbie, California mom-of-two. 'I mean, my kids are both under the age of 5 right now so it's hard to say…but I guess I didn't have a boyfriend until age 12, so somewhere around there seems about right. Then again, it does feel like kids are growing up much faster now, so who knows.' — Nicole, New Jersey mom-of-two. 'Hmm…I think no earlier than 16 years old, but ideally 18, just due to emotional maturity and priorities to school, activities, friends, etc. Dating can get intense and also be a distraction if not ready!' — SZ, New York mom-of-one. 'I think it's totally fine for kids as young as 8 to say they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, because I'd assume the title is more just a statement of friendship without any understanding or intention of romance. As for real, romantic dating…maybe 14 or 15 sounds fine, provided they take it really slow, and I know what's up. But boy, I don't know. My kids are still young (5 and 7) so I'm not there yet!' — Vivian, Rhode Island mom-of-two. 'I don't believe there's an age at which it starts being appropriate. What we do in my house is ask our kids what dating means to them, and then we decide if they are ready for that thing. So for example, last year my 12-year-old asked if she could date a boy. I asked her what that meant and she said, 'going out to lunch,' so we allowed her to do that. Additionally, there's so much nuance these days with gender fluidity that I don't think it makes sense to have hard and fast rules there. My daughter asked to have a sleepover with a boy who is her friend, and we simply evaluated based on these two kids and decided she could.' — Denise, Maryland mom-of-two When it comes to kids and dating, the therapists advise parents to ask neutral questions, consider the context (i.e., the maturity and intentions of your own kid) and then start a relevant and age-appropriate conversation about boundaries. In other words, understanding and communication is key. Allowances for Kids: How Much, Why Do It and When to Start
Yahoo
26-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
10 Scary Movies For Kids That Promise Age-Appropriate Thrills (Without Tears)
Sometimes you need to stir the pot a little on family movie night, and scary movies are a great way to do that. Still, nobody wants to traumatize their children with anything truly terrifying, and it's not always easy to gauge how intense a movie is going to be until you're far enough into it that you've already signed your kid up for some nightmares. For this reason, I've compiled a list of scary movies for kids based on my own personal favorites, as well as parent recommendations from the PureWow team, so you can settle on a nail-biting flick that's just right for your family. And for good measure, I also tapped a family therapist for her advice on how to introduce your kid to scary movies without, you know, totally traumatizing them. Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field. The expert tells me that determining the age-appropriateness of a scary movie for kids really comes down to being attuned to your child, since all kids have different temperaments and find different things 'scary.' Per Dr. Cook, 'the most important thing is to first ask yourself why you are looking for a scary movie for kids…because parents oftentimes are the ones who want to watch these types of movies because they themselves find them more entertaining.' In other words, honestly assess the situation and confirm that a scary movie is actually something your child is expressing interest in. Once you've done that, the expert recommends starting with movies that are really more silly than scary for the under eight crowd, because they tend to be more sensitive. 'For that age group, I would avoid anything with really evil characters or even a lot of suspenseful music and a very unsettling atmosphere,' she says. Indeed, the psychologist explains that the brains of adults and children are similar in that when we watch a movie, we temporarily suspend our ability to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Scary movies are thrilling because when we're watching them, our brains really believe that what's happening on the screen is real; the difference is that children's brains have not developed the emotional regulation skills to bounce back from that in the same way adults' brains can, so they are at much higher risk of having a really traumatizing viewing experience. For this reason, Dr. Cook says it's important to let your child know that it's OK to feel scared at any age—grown-ups do sometimes, too—and that the moment they stop enjoying the movie, it will go off. After all, if it's not fun anymore, what's the point? To that end, parents should also pay close attention because you can't necessarily count on your child to come out and tell you that they've had enough; if you get the feeling your kid is finding the movie overwhelming, it's really up to you to make the call and turn it off. Director: Adrian Molina, Lee Unkrich Cast: Anthony Gonzalez. Gael Garcia Bernal, Benjamin Bratt, Alanna Ubach Rating: PG Run Time: 109 minutes Educational Value: positive family messages, diverse representations, strong cultural themes 'Coco can be scary because the entire animated film is about death and where we go when we die, The Land of the Dead. That said, it's not a horror film in the slightest. It's about family, ancestors, music and closure! It's a really beautiful movie with lovely music,' says Executive Editor Dara Katz. Indeed, this movie has a murder theme built into the plot, and though the messages about family and cultural heritage are far more profound than the somewhat morbid aspects of the storyline, it's best to take your child's sensitivity and maturity into account before viewing. watch on disney+ Director: Tim Burton Cast: Martin Short, Winona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara, Martin Landau Rating: PG Run Time: 87 minutes Educational Value: depictions of grief combined with family support, positive messages about friendship and bravery, scientific themes for curious minds VP of Editorial Content, Candace Davison, explains that his family favorite is 'dark and creepy, yet not so scary, [and] a fairly safe bet. It deals with the death of a pet, and the lengths a kid will go to bring the pet back, but it's more campy and quirky than sad. With its black-and-white format, it draws on the moodiness and stylings of horror, without being gory or horrifying.' In other words, if you like the eerie and artsy stylings of Tim Burton, but want to keep outright fear to a minimum, this one is a great choice. watch on disney+ Director: Jules Bass, Arthur Rankin, Jr. Cast: Mia Farrow, Jeff Bridges, Alan Arkin, Angela Lansbury, Christopher Lee Rating: G Run Time: 92 minutes Educational Value: positive messages about loyalty, friendship, resourcefulness and courage. I am completely biased here because I was obsessed with this movie when I was five years old and my love for it hasn't waned over the years. (In fact, I have watched it multiple times with my own kids and even rewatch it on my own with some frequency.) As the title suggests, the story is about a unicorn who believes that she's the last of her kind and thus goes out in search of others like her. She collects a couple friends along the way who help her with her quest to rescue the rest of the unicorns from the bitter and deranged king who has been keeping them hostage. There are a couple pretty intense scenes and a few more that aren't necessarily scary, but definitely creepy. Still, the voice acting is amazing, the story is full of magic and the soundtrack, courtesy of America, will play in your head on repeat. watch on prime video Director: Henry Selick Cast: Danny Elfman, Chris Sarandon, Catherine O'Hara, Paul Reubens Rating: PG Run Time: 75 minutes Educational Value: lessons about consequences and making thoughtful decisions, positive messages that encourage gratitude for what you have Jack Skellington is the very recognizable star of this beloved movie, which feels festively scary whether watched at Halloween or Christmas. How could that be, you ask? Well, the plot is about a very well-meaning skeleton who, disillusioned with his life as Halloweentown's 'Pumpkin King,' stumbles upon another magical holiday world and decides he'd like to co-opt Christmas. Alas, he discovers that sometimes it's best to stick with (and be grateful for) what you already have. Expect an excellent soundtrack, beautiful stop-motion animation and only mild scares from this whimsical Tim Burton story, which multiple members of PureWow's editorial team vouch for below. 'I don't know how or why my husband introduced our 2-year-old to The Nightmare Before Christmas when he did, but it's kinda neutralized skeletons for us. Instead of being scared of freaky skeleton decorations on Halloween, our daughter will yell, 'It's Jack Skellington!' The original music also makes it a little less scary. She chants along to 'This Is Halloween,' and it actually sounds creepy and the movie kind of scares me, but the important thing is that she is not scared,' says Dara Katz. Oh, and PureWow's Senior Director Rachel Bowie agrees: 'I am all for The Nightmare Before Christmas. My 7-year-old is obsessed and has loved it since he was five-years-old,' she says, noting that 'the songs are a great entry point and help to temper anything fearful.' watch on disney+ Director: Mike Newell Cast: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Robert Pattinson, Ralph Fiennes Rating: PG-13 Run Time: 157 minutes Educational Value: positive messages about morality, honesty, integrity, friendship and courage 'I'd recommend all the Harry Potter Movies but specifically Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,' says Editor-in-Chief Jillian Quint, adding that she 'would argue this is the scariest Harry Potter book, and the movie is similarly scary (but doable for kids in the 8+ range) thanks to the presence of dragons, dementors and a truly terrifying Voldemort.' Having read the book and watched the movie with my kids (ages seven and nine at the time), I can say that it is a pretty scary movie but reading the book first definitely takes the edge off of some of the more gruesome aspects of the storyline. watch on max Director: Henry Selick Cast: Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, Jennifer Saunders, Ian McShane Rating: PG Run Time: 100 minutes Educational Value: themes about self-control and compassion; positive messages about accepting imperfect families. 'I've heard a lot of people recommend Coraline because my daughter loved The Nightmare Before Christmas so much, but I'd say proceed with caution—and maybe wait until your kid is eight or nine. My 7-year-old niece loves the movie, but my 6-year-old bursts into tears at the sight of the movie poster after seeing just a clip. The Other Mother and Other World concepts really freaked her out,' says Davison. I've seen the movie with my kids and we all found it very disturbing because of the way the parents are portrayed and the general creepy factor of the whole thing, so I have to second that warning. watch on prime video Director: Jim Henson, Frank Oz Cast: Dave Goelz, Frank Oz, Jim Henson, Lisa Maxwell Rating: PG Run Time: 95 minutes Educational Value: positive messages about teamwork, friendship, empathy and courage; laden with moral lessons This BAFTA Award nominee is a cult classic (and one of my childhood favorites) for good reason…but don't expect Sesame Street vibes from this Jim Henson flick. The themes are dark and somewhat adult-oriented. (The movie basically revolves around a war between a corrupt race that wants to control and exploit and a well, good one, that wants to restore peace and balance.) As such, this movie is best suited for slightly older children. Still, I watched it with my 7- and 9-year-old kids and while there were some uneasy, anxious moments due to the eeriness of the puppetry and the dangerous, otherworldly setting, they both really enjoyed the fantasy elements and the moral conflicts that unfolded. watch on prime video Director: Steven Spielberg Cast: Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill, Ariana Richards, Richard Attenborough Rating: PG-13 Run Time: 122 minutes Educational Value: positive messages about courage, resourcefulness; plotline can prompt conversations that help kids distinguish science-fiction from real science For those who aren't familiar with this iconic 90s film, Jurassic Park is about a group of scientists and their overly-ambitious plan to open a theme park using the revolutionary advances they've made in their effort to bring back dinosaurs from extinction. Needless to say, the theme park experiment goes awry—the test group is small, but a young brother and sister duo are among the first visitors—and lots of sharp-toothed terror and carnage ensues. I watched this movie with my kids just last week and they were definitely on the edge of their seats, but it was just the right degree of scary for them (i.e., we didn't have to turn it off). Quint watched the movie with her slightly younger kids and all was well: 'I showed this movie to my then 7-year-old, and I don't regret it. Yes, the dinosaurs are scary as hell, but I love that it's a film where the kids have agency, and everything works out in the end. (I did have to warn my daughter about the lawyer getting eaten off the toilet.)' And yeah, the eaten-off-the-toilet scene is one of the scarier parts in the movie…but depending on the kid they also might just think it's downright hilarious. watch on prime video Director: Hayao Miyazaki Cast: Rumi Hiiragi, Daveigh Chase, Jason Marsden, Tara Strong, Mari Natsuki Rating: PG Run Time: 125 minutes Educational Value: positive messages about kindness, selflessness, familial love, courage and perseverance; moral themes relating to the negative consequences of greed Parents should know that this visually beautiful and award-winning anime film from Hayao Miyazake has some elements that younger and/or more sensitive viewers might find too upsetting. For starters, the 10-year-old girl at the center of the whimsical fantasy story is left on her own to deal with considerable peril from very early on in the movie, due to the fact that bad magic at the abandoned amusement park they stumbled upon resulted in her parents being turned into pigs. (Yep, you read that right.) I have watched this with my kids and we all loved it, but the scene in which the parents turn into pigs is quite grotesque and disturbing; it also forms the foundation of the adventure that follows. Still, it's a riveting film with wonderful animation, an incredibly creative storyline and a young, female main character who is, by all accounts, an excellent role model. watch on max Director: Joe Johnston Cast: Robin Williams, Kirsten Dunst, Bonnie Hunt, Bradley Pierce Rating: PG Run Time: 100 minutes Educational Value: positive messages about courage, teamwork and problem solving Jumanji is not your ordinary board game—namely because it forces players to live out all the very terrifying perils built into the game (and I'm not talking about having to sell your boardwalk property back to the bank). Indeed, this action-adventure is full of thrills—in fact the peril is completely relentless and leaves little room for depth or narrative quality. Still, if you're looking for an age-appropriate scary movie that will keep your tween on the edge of their seat, this movie certainly delivers plenty of excitement and entertainment. (For what it's worth, my own kids eventually grew weary of the onslaught and I think would have preferred a side of substance to go with the scares.) watch on hulu The 83 Best Family Movies of All Time
Yahoo
24-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
How to Manage Intrusive Thoughts As a Parent, According to a Therapist
Ever imagined yourself doing something pretty distasteful, like that time someone cut you off on the highway and you had visions of running them off the road? Or perhaps your brain prefers to torment you with incessant doubts and worries (think: 'everyone at work secretly hates me' or 'did I really lock the front door?'). Whatever the case may be, you're likely suffering from intrusive thoughts—and you're in good company, because pretty much everyone has them. That said, parents are particularly vulnerable to intrusive thoughts, which is why I tapped a mental health expert to learn more about these pesky, unwanted ideas. Without further ado, here's how to manage intrusive thoughts as a parent, according to a mental health expert and a mom-of-two. Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field. She is also a mother-of-two. You can probably surmise from the term that intrusive thoughts are unwanted and, well, unpleasant. Or, as Dr. Cook explains, 'Intrusive thoughts are like annoying and unwelcome 'pop‑up' ads in your mind. They are fleeting, involuntary flashes of images, ideas, or impulses that feel completely at odds with how you see yourself and the values you live by.' If you experience intrusive thoughts from time-to-time, you're not alone. Per the expert, 'almost everyone has intrusive thoughts—like picturing yourself tripping the person in front of you or blurting out something outrageous in church, for example—yet we rarely admit to having them, since they clash with the persona we present to the world.' It's worth nothing that there's nothing inherently pathological about having these thoughts, provided you don't act on them. OK, so we know that pretty much everyone has intrusive thoughts and pretty much no one relishes them…so why are they happening, you ask? To understand where intrusive thoughts come from, Dr. Cook says to 'think of your brain as a 24/7 'what‑if' generatorconstantly scanning past experiences, future possibilities and potential threats.' The expert also notes that, most of the time, this activity happens unconsciously; however, this behind-the-scenes work can sometimes slip into your consciousness in the form of intrusive thoughts, particularly if your brain is overloaded. The expert emphasizes that intrusive thoughts aren't evidence of secret desires (you don't really want to act on your road rage), but rather 'the byproduct of a brain that's endlessly brainstorming possibilities, tagging anything weird or risky, and sometimes forgetting to hit the mute button on thoughts you'd rather ignore.' There are a lot of different reasons why your brain might become so overwhelmed that these nagging thoughts creep to the surface without your permission, but the responsibilities of parenthood can certainly create a perfect storm. 'Becoming a parent flips your brain's 'what-if' switch to high‑alert, which means your amygdala now treats threats to your child as existential crises,' explains Dr. Cook, adding that, 'if you didn't have intrusive thoughts before parenthood you might start having them, and even if you'd had intrusive thoughts before, parenthood can bring a new set of themes, intensity and (higher) stakes.' In other words, protecting our young is a biological imperative and our brains are hardwired for the task. Dr. Cook also tells me that you can easily distinguish parenting-related intrusive thoughts from the garden variety type, since the experience of having parenting-related intrusive thoughts typically fits the following profile: Child‑centered content: Whereas you might once have worried about tripping someone in line, parenting intrusive thoughts often involve accidentally dropping your baby, leaving them in harm's way or, even more distressing, imagining abusive scenarios. Heightened moral alarm: Your 'inner moral seismograph' registers any thought about child harm as though there is intent, magnifying guilt and shame. As a result, you're less likely to chalk these thoughts up to random brain noise. Stress, sleep deprivation and hormones: Those sleepless nights and hormonal shifts (especially postpartum) weaken mental filters, which means that stray 'what‑if' flashes slip in more easily and feel impossible to shake. Perceived personal failure: As a parent, one of my deepest fears is failing my child—and I know I'm not the only one. Intrusive thoughts exploit that fear, convincing you that having the thought somehow makes you a bad parent, when really it's just your protective instincts in overdrive. Social silence: Because no one admits to picturing their infant in peril, parents often suffer in isolation, believing they're alone in this—even though up to 80 percent of new parents report unwanted child‑related thoughts, the expert notes. One more time for those in the back: 'Intrusive parenting thoughts aren't a sign of danger to your child; they're the byproduct of a stressed-out brain that's constantly reevaluating all perceived risk and wired for protection.' By frequently reminding yourself of this fact, you will be able to recognize them as 'false news' when they occur and, as a result, reclaim confidence in your parenting faster. With that in mind, here are five expert-approved strategies for keeping intrusive thoughts at bay and managing them in the moment: Remind yourself: 'My brain is overprotective, not malicious.' Then, write yourself a quick note—something to the tune of, 'I'm a loving parent, not a danger to my child'—and tuck it in your pocket or phone so you can revisit it when you need a quick refocus. Ask: 'What's the real likelihood this will happen? What evidence do I have?' Often you'll find you've been batting at shadows. Replace the doom scenario with a realistic outcome: 'I am being careful and I am being safe; I know that I'm not going to drop my baby.' (For what it's worth, this strategy helps with all manner of anxiety and fears. My 10-year-old daughter has used it to overcome her fear of elevators, and I just used it to hush my intrusive thoughts about the airplane I was on crashing.) That's right, friends—it's time we stop being so buttoned-up about the intrusive thoughts we have. I'll start: When my kids were infants I sometimes imagined the stroller rolling into oncoming traffic. I would also have a flash of myself accidentally bashing my baby's head into the sharp edge of a dresser when I turned the corner with her in my arms. Now, I see flashes of cars colliding with us when we cross the street to school. (Fun stuff, right?) The point is, it's important to talk about these thoughts with a trusted friend, partner or therapist. 'Once out in the open, they lose their sting—and odds are, your fellow parents have a few uninvited brain‑gatecrashers of their own,' says Dr. Cook. If you've never heard of cloud-watching before, it's a pretty simple and effective self-soothing strategy. Here's how it works: Sit quietly for 30 seconds and imagine each thought as a passing cloud. Notice its shape, notice it fade, then bring your focus back to your breath—no chasing, no wrestling—just calm and neutral observation of your inner life and a return to meditative breathing. There's no cure for worrying. It will happen and, as previously mentioned, it happens for a biological reason. Instead of fighting and repressing it such that the worry sneaks up on you when you least expect it, the expert advises that you 'set aside ten minutes each day—ideally not right before bedtime—to let every worry flood in. Then close the door on it. Your brain will learn there's a time and place for these worries, and it won't ring your mental alarm bell all day.' And on that note, I'm going to dim the lights, set a timer and spend the next ten minutes thinking about every tragedy that could befall my family. Once that's out of the way, the sounds of spring coming from my window will probably be the perfect soundtrack for some cloud-watching. The Top 5 Things Kids Worry About, According to Child Therapists
