Latest news with #AdultSiblingRelationships
Irish Times
20 hours ago
- General
- Irish Times
Family fallouts: ‘I can't describe the heartache of not having a relationship with my sister'
In the grand constellation of human relationships , siblings are ever-present and strangely overlooked. We may have shared bunk beds or fought over dinner scraps, yet as adults, sibling bonds can become emotionally charged, distant, or even estranged. 'Your siblings are the people you're likely to know the longest in your life,' says Dr Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and co-author of Adult Sibling Relationships. 'You'll likely know them longer than your parents, longer than your spouse, longer than your friends.' Greif has spent decades studying how siblings shape our lives and our identities. One of his core ideas is that 'nobody grows up in the same family'. Even children raised under the same roof can inhabit completely different emotional worlds. 'I've never had the experience of having me as a sibling,' he says. Birth order, shifting parental relationships, financial change, illness, trauma, even time itself – all of these shape how children are parented, and how they see their siblings. 'There's no one truth in any one family,' Greif says. 'Even in a loving household, you're being parented by people who are changing all the time.' READ MORE Most adult siblings, Greif says, exist somewhere between closeness and conflict. He names three defining characteristics of sibling relationships: affection, ambivalence, and ambiguity. Some siblings talk daily; others drift apart and don't talk for years. Many hover in an undefined middle ground – bound by blood but estranged by personality or pain. Research on this dynamic is surprisingly scant. Siblings are hard to study because they are hard to standardise, and every family constellation is different: being the eldest of three girls isn't comparable to being the eldest boy in a family of seven, for example, and families have different value systems and lifestyles. Much of the existing research into siblings relies on individual interviews, which often means only one side of the sibling story is being told. [ How to cope with squabbling siblings: Five expert tips on handling competitive children Opens in new window ] But the research we do have paints a striking picture. One study found that the warmth a person felt from their sibling at 23 predicted lower depression in midlife . Another, tracking participants for 30 years, found that closeness with a sibling in childhood – but not with a parent – predicted emotional wellbeing at 50. A study of more than a million Swedes found that one's risk of dying from a heart attack rose after a sibling's death, not only due to shared genetics, but also because of the emotional toll of losing such a central figure in their lives. Even distant siblings can provide what Greif calls 'instrumental support', such as help with ageing parents. When these ties rupture, the loss is both emotional and operational. Difficulties often surface during moments of family transition – especially illness or death. 'You can go off in your 20s and climb mountains and not need to interact with your siblings,' Greif says. 'But when your parents are in their 70s or 80s and they need care, suddenly you're back in a room with them, trying to figure out how to share responsibility.' These reunions often reopen old wounds. Birth order hierarchies reassert themselves. Resentments return. The golden child may still act entitled; the scapegoat still feels excluded. And when in-laws, grandchildren, and property are added to the mix, it's no longer just a sibling story. 'It becomes a whole system,' Greif says. 'And that's where things can get really hard.' Muireann* is estranged from her twin sister Saoirse*. Their parents had a tumultuous relationship and their mother was often left alone trying to care for the girls and work to keep the family afloat. Despite their mother's best efforts, the girls were often left in situations that were unsafe, which resulted in emotional difficulties for both of them. Now in their late 30s, the women no longer speak. 'Our relationship was the most vital one I had through childhood. I can't describe the heartache of not having a relationship with my sister,' she says. 'We were super close from the beginning – talking to each other across our cots. It was magic for a lot of our childhood.' In school, Saoirse was bullied, which caused a growing distance between them. 'It broke her. I felt, in hindsight, really guilty for not standing up for her.' [ 'I work for a company owned by siblings who don't talk to each other. It's ruining my life' Opens in new window ] Over time, their paths diverged – Muireann became fiercely independent, her sister grew increasingly reliant on their mother. Tensions escalated until, one Christmas, a violent altercation ended with Muireann locking her sister and mother inside the house to escape. 'I want to get back in touch with her,' Muireann says. 'I just don't think this should last forever. I spend a lot of time worrying for her. I wonder if she misses me.' In Ireland, sibling estrangement violates the sacred narrative of family unity. 'My mother would always say, 'The worst thing that could happen is you kids not staying close,'' says Sadhbh* (44), who grew up with two brothers. 'There's still this blood-is-thicker-than-water thing. The biggest sin you can commit is to air your family's dirty laundry by going no contact.' But Sadhbh's mother's worst fear has been realised. What started as childhood slagging between Sadhbh and her brothers became a dysfunctional dynamic between the adult siblings where cruelty, verbal abuse, and aggressive competitiveness was normalised as 'banter'. When Sadhbh started therapy as an adult, she realised the impact this dynamic was having on her self-esteem and anxiety. 'I never went to therapy for my childhood. I went for panic. And then the therapist was like, 'Hang on. No, there's a lot of stuff you think is normal, but it's not normal'. I've had therapists ten years apart from each other repeat the same thing to me: 'Stop talking to your family.' And I was just like, 'No, that's not an option'.' For years, Sadhbh tried address the dynamic with her brothers and invite them to have a more loving relationship, but they didn't change how they spoke to her. 'My older brother, he just wants to poke and poke and poke and have a debate and win. It's like he's still a teenager who has to have this sibling rivalry. And I don't have the energy for it. And I tried a lot with him, but it's just exhausting. It's just the same, and then there's apologies and 'Come on, you're my sister, love you, let's go for a drink – but his behaviour has not changed at all.' Sadhbh cut off contact with her younger brother first, then her older brother a few years later. 'I'm so bone sad and hurt, but that's grief at a loss I've chosen. I'd rather be lonely as f**k and be safe – like emotionally safe.' Sadhbh highlights how families often get stuck in unhealthy dynamics and prefer to let issues to fester rather than try to evolve and change. 'You get scapegoated if you are trying to question things, evolve, call the dysfunction out. And often we just choose, 'Well, I'd rather not be ostracised'. But then you're just putting up with really unhealthy family dynamics.' As a family therapist, adolescent mental health specialist and a former chair of the Family Therapy Association of Ireland, Dr Monica Whyte has worked extensively with individuals and families navigating complex relationships. She believes Irish history and culture plays a unique role in shaping how Irish families respond to conflict. 'There's what I call a silencing pressure ... pressure to keep families quiet around certain things – around addiction, abuses of power, things like that. There's a cultural pressure to be silent in order to keep up the family image. And that pressure often means people can't talk about what's really happening, even with their own siblings. 'The culture of silence in Irish families can't be separated from our institutional history. For decades, we had state and church-run systems that divided up power and communication – there was no transparency, and no sharing of stories. That structure has left a mark on how families operate. Information is compartmentalised. Pain is hidden. And a lot of families learned that secrecy was a form of protection – even when it was causing damage.' This cultural focus on the family can result in pressure on family members to tolerate mistreatment or even more serious breaches of trust and safety. 'There's often a huge loyalty to family, and it can feel like betrayal to speak up or step back,' says Whyte. 'But some of the biggest breaches in families are the result of trauma – abuse, addiction, chaos. When someone walks away from their family, often it's not because they're giving up, but because they're trying to survive. That can be very hard for Irish families to accept. There's a lot of stigma still around going no contact. And often, when someone tries to set a boundary, the family sees it as rejection, not protection.' The introduction of new people to the family can create issues. When sibling relationships become strained, in-laws are often part of the story, Greif says. 'Most often, the complaints that come up are about relationships with mom and dad,' he says, 'but right behind that is: who did my sibling marry?' Romantic partners bring their own values, dynamics, and loyalties into the mix and these can shift the sibling dynamic. In these moments, the sibling at the centre of the in-laws often feels torn. 'You can't be neutral,' Greif says. 'You're the bridge between two people who would never have to interact if it weren't for you. And that means you have to step up. You have to actively help navigate that relationship.' Increasingly, one of the most volatile forces in sibling estrangement is political polarisation. 'Let's say I voted for Kamala Harris and my sister-in-law voted for Trump, and let's say I have a trans child. I can't stand the idea that someone in my family would support someone who doesn't support my child's rights.' He pauses. 'There are lines that people just can't cross.' For some people, breaking off contact with a family member is a necessary act of self-preservation. But Greif worries about the long-term emotional costs – especially when those decisions are handed down to future generations. 'If I'm estranged from my brother, what message am I giving my children?' he asks. 'That this is how we deal with conflict? That if something gets hard, we walk away?' Family therapist Karen Gail Lewis has spent decades working with adult siblings in Washington DC. She has identified 'four ghosts' – four hidden dynamics that shape and often sabotage adult sibling relationships. The first, frozen images, refers to the way we continue to see our siblings as they were decades ago. Lewis describes how her own brother still sees her as 'Little Blanche', the dutiful girl who couldn't possibly rebel – an image that can feel infantilising. While some frozen images are rooted in pain or conflict, others are born of admiration: the idealised frozen image. 'Sometimes, we don't resent our siblings – we revere them,' she says. 'And when they fall from that pedestal – cheat on a spouse, vote differently, fail in some visible way – it can feel like a betrayal not just of trust, but of identity.' Fionn* (41) idolised his sister growing up. Ailbhe* was five years older, and was confident and popular in a way that introverted and sensitive Fionn admired. When Fionn was in his mid-20s and his long-term girlfriend cheated on him, Ailbhe was his rock. It took him a long time to recover from the heartbreak and betrayal. Three years ago, when Fionn discovered that Ailbhe had cheated on her husband, he couldn't bear to look at her. 'She saw how much that broke me and then did it to her husband – it shattered my faith in her and in relationships generally. I never, ever thought she'd do that to someone and it made me think I'd never be able to be sure about anyone.' When Ailbhe's husband discovered the affair, the couple decided to work through it and are still together, but Fionn didn't speak to his sister for over a year. They're now 'civil' but Fionn admits he still finds it hard to reconcile the perfect image he had of his sister with what he now knows. 'Her husband has forgiven her, so I guess it doesn't make sense why I can't fully, but it's hard,' says Fionn. 'I wish I didn't know. I miss her.' Her now or the image he had of her? 'Both.' The second of Lewis's four ghosts is 'crystallised roles'. These are the rigid family roles assigned in childhood – the smart one, the rebel, the clown – which, over time, calcify into identities we cannot shake. A woman cast as the 'responsible one' may feel she must always hold everything together, while her 'troublemaker' brother is never expected to contribute. Even when siblings try to swap roles – the rebel gets sober, the golden child burns out – the family story often resists updating. The third is 'unhealthy loyalty'. Lewis recalls a man who had once been a high achiever but, after losing his job during the recession, felt an unexpected sense of relief. 'He said, 'Now when I visit my family, I feel more comfortable. I'm not so different from them any more.'' For years, his success had made him feel like an outsider. Without knowing it, he had been holding himself back – out of love, perhaps, but love in a distorted form. Finally, the fourth ghost is 'sibling transference', or the way we unconsciously replicate early sibling dynamics in our adult relationships with others. A woman who learned to manage her impulsive brother as a child may find herself drawn to a partner with similar traits. A man who felt invisible next to his overachieving sister may find himself triggered by competitive colleagues. We don't necessarily marry our siblings, Lewis says, but we often re-enact our sibling roles with those closest to us. Despite the deep significance of these dynamics, sibling therapy is not common. 'Therapists aren't trained to do this work,' says Lewis. 'Psychology schools don't teach sibling therapy. So even therapists who might be interested often don't have the tools.' Lewis trains other therapists, and sees this specialisation as urgent. 'I'm 81 in two weeks. I want this work to continue. I don't charge for training – I just want my expenses covered. I trained therapists in Estonia last year. I'd love to come to Ireland if anyone's interested.' Lewis says many siblings who seek therapy together aren't doing so from a place of harmony, and often, one sibling is driving the reconnection. 'One says, 'I haven't talked to her in six years, but we ran into each other and she agreed to come once just to shut me up.' But more often than not, they come back.' The work is often brief but transformative. 'Sibling therapy is often shorter than individual or couple therapy. People say, 'I've been in therapy 20 years for my trauma.' But if you never worked through how that trauma played out between you and your siblings, there's still residue.' Lewis is careful not to impose a one-size-fits-all notion of success on sibling therapy, saying, 'Some siblings end up close. Others get to 'We can be civil'. Some drop out of therapy and I think, 'Well, that didn't go anywhere,' and months later I get a letter saying it changed their lives. You just never know.' What she sees as most valuable is the opportunity to tell the truth and be heard. 'When siblings talk – really talk – about what it was like growing up together, things shift. Not always into harmony. But into clarity. And that's something most people never get to do.' Whyte agrees that there needs to be more awareness and access to therapy that isn't just focused on one person. 'In Ireland, we have a heavy reliance on individual models of therapy,' she explains. 'That means you're often working one-to-one, without hearing the different perspectives and stories within the family. So a lot of stories remain untold and unheard.' Whyte practices systemic family therapy, a collaborative approach that works with family members together – siblings, parents, even grandparents – to understand relational patterns and make meaning of shared experiences. Unlike individual therapy, which focuses on internal emotional states and personal growth, systemic therapy examines how people interact, how roles are reinforced, and how patterns get repeated – often unconsciously -across generations. 'Systemic family therapy looks at how we live our lives in connection with others – our family of origin, but also the family we create for ourselves,' she says. 'It's not just about individual change. It's about systemic change – looking at how we make meaning together, and how we can shift our shared dynamics.' But sibling therapy also requires a therapist with the right orientation – and access to that expertise can be uneven across the country. 'If someone doesn't live near a systemic therapist, they might only be offered individual therapy – psychodynamic, CBT, or otherwise – and those are valid approaches, but they don't necessarily bring the family into the room,' Whyte says. 'And that can limit what's possible in terms of repair.' Not every sibling story ends in reconciliation. For some people, like Sadhbh, distance feels like the only option to ensure her emotional safety. But Lewis and Greif believe that the stories we tell ourselves about our siblings – and the roles we play in theirs – can be rewritten, if we're willing to listen. 'You can't argue someone out of their pain,' Greif says. 'If your sister says, 'You never let me in your room as a kid,' don't say, 'You were annoying'. Say, 'I can understand why that hurt you'.' For those who unable to access therapy, Lewis offers a free downloadable book called Are You a Sibling? with practical tools and advice, and a guide for therapists on running sibling retreats. For individuals thinking of reaching out to a sibling they are estranged from, she recommends starting from a place of curiosity. 'If you're considering reconnecting, start by asking yourself, 'What's my frozen image? What role have I clung to? Am I holding myself back out of some warped sense of loyalty? Understanding yourself is the best place to start from.' *The names of siblings in this piece have been changed to protect the anonymity of interviewees.
Vox
29-04-2025
- General
- Vox
You grew up with your siblings. Do you need to be friends, too?
Ashley Pro lived with her sister Dennice for 28 years. They moved in together after leaving their childhood home, and if Pro hadn't been transferred to a different city for work, the sisters would likely still be roommates. Pro, a 29-year-old director for an after-school program in Rancho Cucamonga, California, initially worried that any distance would drive a wedge in their relationship. She'd never known a life without the daily presence of Dennice, who is only a year older. Since their mom worked long hours to make ends meet, Dennice took on a maternal role with her little sister, even picking up extra jobs in college to pay for Ashley's high school extracurriculars. Although Ashley and Dennice are close to their three older siblings, this period of reliance bonded them. Even now that they're living separately, about a 30-minute car ride apart, Ashley says the sisters are as close as ever. They talk on the phone regularly and spend weekends at each other's places. 'It's something we envisioned,' Pro says. 'That was our goal growing up, so we made sure to keep that relationship strong.' In what may be obvious to those who have them, siblings stand to be one of the most enduring relationships of a person's life. They're your first roommates, your first playmates, maybe your first babysitter or charge, and probably your first fight. They're your social guinea pigs, the first draft of nearly every interpersonal interaction. Siblings, including half-, step-, and adoptive brothers and sisters, are thrust upon you. But as you age, maintaining those relationships is voluntary. They're your first roommates, your first playmates, maybe your first babysitter or charge, and probably your first fight. As siblings progress through life, these once-obligatory relationships can transition from roommate to friend or even best friend. In interviews for their 2015 book Adult Sibling Relationships, authors Geoffrey L. Greif and Michael E. Woolley found 64 percent of respondents said they were good friends with a sibling; 45 percent considered a sibling one of their best friends. But the sibling relationship can also be more fraught. Greif and Woolley found that 62 percent had mixed feelings about their siblings, feeling neither wholly lovey-dovey nor completely cold (interestingly enough, even those who are close to their siblings can have such mixed feelings). However you feel about your siblings, it's clear these relationships have a profound impact on well-being. Into adulthood, those who perceive parental favoritism or sibling conflict are more likely to have symptoms of depression, anxiety, hostility, and loneliness. Adult sibling relationships hold just as much weight as a person's relationship with their mother or spouse. But what if, for one reason or another, your relationship with a sibling is cordial at best? What if it feels like a relationship you never would have maintained if not for being connected by blood or family ties? 'It's not a bad thing that you don't have a super close relationship with a sibling,' says Katherine Jewsbury Conger, a professor emerita of human development and family studies at the University of California Davis. 'I think we sometimes put super expectations that siblings are going to be really close throughout adulthood, and I don't think we give enough credit to how many things people experience that make them so different as they move through all the different stages of life.' An adult sibling relationship is a choice Like any long-lasting relationship, the one you have with a sibling drastically changes as life goes on. Kids spend the most time with their siblings during childhood and adolescence, whether they like it or not. Depending on family size, there can be multiple children jockeying for attention, space, and resources with little to no reprieve: This is the house you live in, these are the siblings you're stuck with. Peaceful coexistence can erupt into chaos over teasing or a shirt borrowed without permission. 'In childhood, sibling relationships can be very intense, because people are learning how to navigate the world and navigate their family and figure out their own personality,' Conger says. If you get into an argument with a classmate, the school day inevitably ends. 'But with your sibling,' Conger says, 'you're still in the same household.' Vox Culture Culture reflects society. Get our best explainers on everything from money to entertainment to what everyone is talking about online. Email (required) Sign Up By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice . This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. As kids mature, familial relationships are supplanted by friends and romance. After years of walking parallel paths, siblings' varying interests, educations, and relationships naturally cause their paths to diverge. If siblings don't spend a ton of time together in adolescence, maintaining closeness throughout the rest of their lives is less likely, says Megan Gilligan, an associate professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri. When young adults no longer live under the same roof, and interacting with siblings is no longer a matter of proximity, these relationships require more intention to maintain. You have to decide whether to prioritize weekly calls with your sister or if you care to hang out with your brother beyond holidays. A sibling nevertheless can be a source of inspiration or mentor. Jalin Siu always intended to follow in her mother's footsteps and become a teacher, but when her two older brothers went to college to study film, she changed course, enrolling at the same school and rooming with one of her brothers. These days, Siu, 24, and her three siblings — the brothers and a younger sister — all live in the same apartment complex in Los Angeles and create content about their relationship. She knows the time will come when one of her siblings will want to move in with a partner or explore another city, but 'we're just living in the moment right now,' Siu says, 'and just appreciating that we can have this time together.' Nevertheless, an adult sibling friendship requires more than just shared history. For some people, newfound freedom from their siblings might actually come as a relief, Conger says. During a person's 20s and 30s, their time may be dominated by their own burgeoning families, says Greif, the co-author of Adult Sibling Relationships and distinguished university professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work. In midlife, siblings are often called together to care for their aging parents. And once parents are no longer in the picture, there may be nothing else keeping siblings together. The forces that shape sibling sentiment Three factors characterize most sibling relationships, Greif says: affection, ambivalence, and ambiguity. Even the strongest bonds between siblings have warmth, ups and downs, and confusion. In some relationships, the ambivalence and ambiguity overpower the affection, and in others, affection reigns supreme. Every grouping of adult siblings will differ in how they relate to one another; if you and your siblings are slightly distant but cordial, and that works for you, then there's no real need to change anything. 'I don't have to have a wholly loving relationship,' Greif says, 'but I can have one that is functional and works for me and I can get together with my sibling at Thanksgiving and get along well enough if we agree to not talk about politics or whatever it is that may prime us to relive our past battles.' It's these past battles — and history more broadly — that influence the affection, ambivalence, and ambiguity in sibling relationships. Even for siblings who grow up in the same household with the same parents, experiences can vary wildly. A single family can be viewed differently based on your vantage point. 'I've never had the experience of having myself as a brother,' Greif says. 'So I don't know what it's like to live with me.' Birth order can play a part in these perceptions. The oldest child has been raised under completely different circumstances from the younger kids. Firstborns, especially daughters, are often called upon to help care for younger siblings, while subsequent children may not have received as much attention from their parents. 'Maybe your parents have more money or less money as children age. Maybe they divorce,' Greif says. 'Adult relationships shift, and so that has a different impact on kids who are growing up in that family, and affects them differently at their developmental stages that are not ever the same.' Because each child's relationship with their parents and with each other differs, this can fuel rivalries or parental favoritism, real or imagined. Two or more siblings might have closer relationships, leaving one on the outs. 'If these earlier events happen that create rivalry or perceptions of differential treatment,' Gilligan says, 'it might make it harder for them to really maintain that relationship throughout the life course.' Bullying and physical and mental abuse during childhood and adolescence can also impact the sibling relationship, according to Gilligan. 'In childhood, sibling relationships can be very intense, because people are learning how to navigate the world and navigate their family and figure out their own personality.' Cultural expectations and family norms influence sibling closeness. If your parents weren't close to their own brothers and sisters, why should you be? On the contrary, when family members feel a sense of obligation toward one another, they may be inclined to maintain a more intimate relationship. 'In Black and Latino families, there's a stronger sense of obligation, a more communal sense of wanting to share resources, be together,' Gilligan says, 'where we don't always notice that same expectation of white families.' In one study looking at adult sibling relationships in African American, Mexican American, and non-Hispanic white families, 69 percent of Mexican Americans considered one of their siblings a best friend, compared to 38 percent of African Americans and 31 percent of whites. When respect feels compulsory instead of earned, resentments grow. Because Steve Owens is so much younger than his brothers — 17 and 11 years, respectively — he was expected to treat them with reverence. Yet that same respect was never afforded to him, he says. His brothers regularly missed his birthdays and school plays. In adulthood, Owens, a 33-year-old podcast host in Los Angeles, senses his brothers are taken aback when he speaks to them as equals. 'We don't communicate the same way,' he says. 'They're from a different generation than I am.' Building stronger sibling relationships When one sibling yearns for a more intimate relationship — or is pressured by parents to maintain a closer relationship — then the work begins of attempting to strengthen it. If your relationship is held back by long-held resentments, don't expect them to disappear overnight. You first need to acknowledge those uncomfortable feelings to your sibling, Gilligan says. You might try broaching the conversation by saying, 'We had that blowup on Christmas when I was 15. I was really hurt by that. I was wondering what your perspective was?' You can't force your sibling to spend more time with you, to call more frequently, to forgive. Your shared history might have been a source of pain, but your perception of the past might differ from your sibling's, Conger says. She suggests each party recount their version of events as calmly as possible to try to understand what led to hurt feelings all those years ago. 'You have to allow for differences in perceptions and not take it as a personal attack on somebody,' Conger says. However, you can't force your sibling to spend more time with you, to call more frequently, to forgive. Sometimes all you can do is continue to show your affection, however that looks. Maybe you send your brother a birthday card every year, even though he never responds. 'What's the narrative you want to write for yourself?' Greif says. But sometimes all you need is time. Growing up Jacquelaine Manlapaz constantly bickered with her three older sisters — she'd steal their clothes, they'd get upset and yell. 'I was always the problem,' the 24-year-old student says. It took her sisters moving away from their northern New Jersey childhood home for their relationship to mature. The three would convene at her oldest sister's house in Florida and realize all the time they took for granted, mired in adolescent arguments.
Vox
29-04-2025
- General
- Vox
You grew up with your siblings. But do you need to be friends?
Ashley Pro lived with her sister Dennice for 28 years. They moved in together after leaving their childhood home, and if Pro hadn't been transferred to a different city for work, the sisters would likely still be roommates. Pro, a 29-year-old director for an after-school program in Rancho Cucamonga, California, initially worried that any distance would drive a wedge in their relationship. She'd never known a life without the daily presence of Dennice, who is only a year older. Since their mom worked long hours to make ends meet, Dennice took on a maternal role with her little sister, even picking up extra jobs in college to pay for Ashley's high school extracurriculars. Although Ashley and Dennice are close to their three older siblings, this period of reliance bonded them. Even now that they're living separately, about a 30-minute car ride apart, Ashley says the sisters are as close as ever. They talk on the phone regularly and spend weekends at each other's places. 'It's something we envisioned,' Pro says. 'That was our goal growing up, so we made sure to keep that relationship strong.' In what may be obvious to those who have them, siblings stand to be one of the most enduring relationships of a person's life. They're your first roommates, your first playmates, maybe your first babysitter or charge, and probably your first fight. They're your social guinea pigs, the first draft of nearly every interpersonal interaction. Siblings, including half-, step-, and adoptive brothers and sisters, are thrust upon you. But as you age, maintaining those relationships is voluntary. They're your first roommates, your first playmates, maybe your first babysitter or charge, and probably your first fight. As siblings progress through life, these once-obligatory relationships can transition from roommate to friend or even best friend. In interviews for their 2015 book Adult Sibling Relationships, authors Geoffrey L. Greif and Michael E. Woolley found 64 percent of respondents said they were good friends with a sibling; 45 percent considered a sibling one of their best friends. But the sibling relationship can also be more fraught. Greif and Woolley found that 62 percent had mixed feelings about their siblings, feeling neither wholly lovey-dovey nor completely cold (interestingly enough, even those who are close to their siblings can have such mixed feelings). However you feel about your siblings, it's clear these relationships have a profound impact on well-being. Into adulthood, those who perceive parental favoritism or sibling conflict are more likely to have symptoms of depression, anxiety, hostility, and loneliness. Adult sibling relationships hold just as much weight as a person's relationship with their mother or spouse. But what if, for one reason or another, your relationship with a sibling is cordial at best? What if it feels like a relationship you never would have maintained if not for being connected by blood or family ties? 'It's not a bad thing that you don't have a super close relationship with a sibling,' says Katherine Jewsbury Conger, a professor emerita of human development and family studies at the University of California Davis. 'I think we sometimes put super expectations that siblings are going to be really close throughout adulthood, and I don't think we give enough credit to how many things people experience that make them so different as they move through all the different stages of life.' An adult sibling relationship is a choice Like any long-lasting relationship, the one you have with a sibling drastically changes as life goes on. Kids spend the most time with their siblings during childhood and adolescence, whether they like it or not. Depending on family size, there can be multiple children jockeying for attention, space, and resources with little to no reprieve: This is the house you live in, these are the siblings you're stuck with. Peaceful coexistence can erupt into chaos over teasing or a shirt borrowed without permission. 'In childhood, sibling relationships can be very intense, because people are learning how to navigate the world and navigate their family and figure out their own personality,' Conger says. If you get into an argument with a classmate, the school day inevitably ends. 'But with your sibling,' Conger says, 'you're still in the same household.' Vox Culture Culture reflects society. Get our best explainers on everything from money to entertainment to what everyone is talking about online. Email (required) Sign Up By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice . This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. As kids mature, familial relationships are supplanted by friends and romance. After years of walking parallel paths, siblings' varying interests, educations, and relationships naturally cause their paths to diverge. If siblings don't spend a ton of time together in adolescence, maintaining closeness throughout the rest of their lives is less likely, says Megan Gilligan, an associate professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri. When young adults no longer live under the same roof, and interacting with siblings is no longer a matter of proximity, these relationships require more intention to maintain. You have to decide whether to prioritize weekly calls with your sister or if you care to hang out with your brother beyond holidays. A sibling nevertheless can be a source of inspiration or mentor. Jalin Siu always intended to follow in her mother's footsteps and become a teacher, but when her two older brothers went to college to study film, she changed course, enrolling at the same school and rooming with one of her brothers. These days, Siu, 24, and her three siblings — the brothers and a younger sister — all live in the same apartment complex in Los Angeles and create content about their relationship. She knows the time will come when one of her siblings will want to move in with a partner or explore another city, but 'we're just living in the moment right now,' Siu says, 'and just appreciating that we can have this time together.' Nevertheless, an adult sibling friendship requires more than just shared history. For some people, newfound freedom from their siblings might actually come as a relief, Conger says. During a person's 20s and 30s, their time may be dominated by their own burgeoning families, says Greif, the co-author of Adult Sibling Relationships and distinguished university professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work. In midlife, siblings are often called together to care for their aging parents. And once parents are no longer in the picture, there may be nothing else keeping siblings together. The forces that shape sibling sentiment Three factors characterize most sibling relationships, Greif says: affection, ambivalence, and ambiguity. Even the strongest bonds between siblings have warmth, ups and downs, and confusion. In some relationships, the ambivalence and ambiguity overpower the affection, and in others, affection reigns supreme. Every grouping of adult siblings will differ in how they relate to one another; if you and your siblings are slightly distant but cordial, and that works for you, then there's no real need to change anything. 'I don't have to have a wholly loving relationship,' Greif says, 'but I can have one that is functional and works for me and I can get together with my sibling at Thanksgiving and get along well enough if we agree to not talk about politics or whatever it is that may prime us to relive our past battles.' It's these past battles — and history more broadly — that influence the affection, ambivalence, and ambiguity in sibling relationships. Even for siblings who grow up in the same household with the same parents, experiences can vary wildly. A single family can be viewed differently based on your vantage point. 'I've never had the experience of having myself as a brother,' Greif says. 'So I don't know what it's like to live with me.' Birth order can play a part in these perceptions. The oldest child has been raised under completely different circumstances from the younger kids. Firstborns, especially daughters, are often called upon to help care for younger siblings, while subsequent children may not have received as much attention from their parents. 'Maybe your parents have more money or less money as children age. Maybe they divorce,' Greif says. 'Adult relationships shift, and so that has a different impact on kids who are growing up in that family, and affects them differently at their developmental stages that are not ever the same.' Because each child's relationship with their parents and with each other differs, this can fuel rivalries or parental favoritism, real or imagined. Two or more siblings might have closer relationships, leaving one on the outs. 'If these earlier events happen that create rivalry or perceptions of differential treatment,' Gilligan says, 'it might make it harder for them to really maintain that relationship throughout the life course.' Bullying and physical and mental abuse during childhood and adolescence can also impact the sibling relationship, according to Gilligan. 'In childhood, sibling relationships can be very intense, because people are learning how to navigate the world and navigate their family and figure out their own personality.' Cultural expectations and family norms influence sibling closeness. If your parents weren't close to their own brothers and sisters, why should you be? On the contrary, when family members feel a sense of obligation toward one another, they may be inclined to maintain a more intimate relationship. 'In Black and Latino families, there's a stronger sense of obligation, a more communal sense of wanting to share resources, be together,' Gilligan says, 'where we don't always notice that same expectation of white families.' In one study looking at adult sibling relationships in African American, Mexican American, and non-Hispanic white families, 69 percent of Mexican Americans considered one of their siblings a best friend, compared to 38 percent of African Americans and 31 percent of whites. When respect feels compulsory instead of earned, resentments grow. Because Steve Owens is so much younger than his brothers — 17 and 11 years, respectively — he was expected to treat them with reverence. Yet that same respect was never afforded to him, he says. His brothers regularly missed his birthdays and school plays. In adulthood, Owens, a 33-year-old podcast host in Los Angeles, senses his brothers are taken aback when he speaks to them as equals. 'We don't communicate the same way,' he says. 'They're from a different generation than I am.' Building stronger sibling relationships When one sibling yearns for a more intimate relationship — or is pressured by parents to maintain a closer relationship — then the work begins of attempting to strengthen it. If your relationship is held back by long-held resentments, don't expect them to disappear overnight. You first need to acknowledge those uncomfortable feelings to your sibling, Gilligan says. You might try broaching the conversation by saying, 'We had that blowup on Christmas when I was 15. I was really hurt by that. I was wondering what your perspective was?' You can't force your sibling to spend more time with you, to call more frequently, to forgive. Your shared history might have been a source of pain, but your perception of the past might differ from your sibling's, Conger says. She suggests each party recount their version of events as calmly as possible to try to understand what led to hurt feelings all those years ago. 'You have to allow for differences in perceptions and not take it as a personal attack on somebody,' Conger says. However, you can't force your sibling to spend more time with you, to call more frequently, to forgive. Sometimes all you can do is continue to show your affection, however that looks. Maybe you send your brother a birthday card every year, even though he never responds. 'What's the narrative you want to write for yourself?' Greif says. But sometimes all you need is time. Growing up Jacquelaine Manlapaz constantly bickered with her three older sisters — she'd steal their clothes, they'd get upset and yell. 'I was always the problem,' the 24-year-old student says. It took her sisters moving away from their northern New Jersey childhood home for their relationship to mature. The three would convene at her oldest sister's house in Florida and realize all the time they took for granted, mired in adolescent arguments.
