How AI Can Help Queer Folks Navigate the Coming-Out Journey
A lot has changed in the past 15 years, since I was in my early 20s. I was still living at home and my only access to a computer as a broke university student was the shared family desktop. No way was I Googling "am I gay?"
Instead, I resorted to buying DVDs of The L Word and hid them under my bed. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It was a time before streaming and iPhones. (I promise I'm not as old as I sound right now.)
The most extensive my "research" got was those old "am I gay?" magazine questionnaires, which now feel archaic. But it was there that I learned sexuality exists on a spectrum and it's not black and white. For a laugh, I took a queer quiz again just now -- I'm already out and married to a woman -- and it was fun to see my results. I'm closer to bisexual than gay, which is why "queer" feels right for me.
Anyway, I digress.
Baby queers are now turning to AI tools to chat about their sexual orientation, much like how it's being used as a therapist and thought partner. Keep in mind, when it comes to matters of the head and heart, don't outsource it to AI. Chatbots aren't a replacement for a trained professional or supportive BFF.
But AI does provide a more dynamic way to chat through your potential orientation vs. a Google search. It can be a tool for people contemplating coming out. I tried using ChatGPT for this purpose, to see if it could truly be helpful.
Just be wary with what you ask or tell AI chatbots. Deleting your ChatGPT history might not be as easy as it seems.
(Disclosure: Ziff Davis, CNET's parent company, in April filed a lawsuit against OpenAI, alleging it infringed Ziff Davis copyrights in training and operating its AI systems.)
Prompt your way to pride
As someone who identifies as queer, I can say there are a few use cases for AI in the coming out journey. It can be used to help unpack confusing feelings, decide on the best way to identify (queer, LGBTQ+, etc.), find supportive resources and even come up with talking points to bring up with loved ones.
I wanted to see if AI could reimagine the queer quiz to make it more interactive and insightful. Here's what I asked ChatGPT: "Recreate the "am I gay?" quizzes that many queer-curious people used to take when they were first trying to figure out their sexual identity. I'd like to take this quiz now."
It told me it's a "rite of passage" exercise for people questioning their sexuality, then created a "modernized" version of the quiz.
ChatGPT/Screenshot by CNET
It was presented a bit clunky, so I asked ChatGPT to allow me to select a button rather than reply Yes, No, Unsure. And it did it!
ChatGPT/Screenshot by CNET
Not so fast. When I tried to select my answer, it didn't work. Only then did ChatGPT tell me it couldn't add clickable or interactive checkboxes.
"I wish I could offer real buttons or toggles, but those aren't supported here," ChatGPT told me.
I went back to the initial quiz and just added my answers manually, one at a time.
The questions weren't phrased the best. For example, this question warranted more than Yes, No or Unsure. I said Yes but it didn't know which gender I was referring to.
ChatGPT/Screenshot by CNET
While it asked me about my feelings toward the same gender, it didn't prod me about the opposite gender, so it was a bit leading. It also hedged on labeling me or giving me anything substantial, unlike the good old-fashioned queer quiz.
ChatGPT/Screenshot by CNET
If I'm asking if I could be gay, there's a 100% chance I'm not strictly straight. Give it to me straight! Or gay!
Queer quiz: 1
ChatGPT: 0
AI for coming-out conversation planning
Where AI could be more helpful is scenario or conversation planning. I could input a specific situation I'm facing or get "advice" on how to broach the subject with traditional-minded family members.
I could ask what parents struggle with the most about discovering their kids are queer. The questions people ask ChatGPT will depend on individual circumstances. Take my parents, for example. They're older, closed off and were raised religious. However, they're kind-hearted and want what's best for me.
I told this to ChatGPT, gave it more context about my situation and asked how I should tell them.
It told me to first think about why I want to come out -- to feel more honest? So they can meet my partner? So I can build a more authentic connection with them? -- and to decide whether I would come out in person, over the phone, on a video call or in writing.
Then it gave me some scripts:
ChatGPT/Screenshot by CNET
It gave some more good advice, specifically about coming out not being a one-time thing but more of a continuing process. I'll always need to "come out" throughout my lifetime, whenever I meet someone new. Even today, I get asked what my husband does, because I'm feminine and don't "look" queer. ChatGPT also told me to have support ready for after I made the announcement to my parents.
Because I've been through this already, I know how my parents responded. My mum said, "so you don't like guys anymore?" I asked ChatGPT how I should answer that. It helped me unpack her response and gave some affirming statements.
It gave me some options on how to respond according to whether I wanted to "gently clarify," "educate a little," "emphasize emotion over identity" or "set a boundary without explaining."
Feed your coming-out concerns into ChatGPT
You could feed specific responses, questions or concerns into ChatGPT as you're navigating the coming-out process. For example, if your biggest concern is not knowing if/how you'll have kids or how you'll identify in a work setting, you can theme your prompts around these problems.
Another (albeit lighter) way to use ChatGPT is to discover movies, books, YouTubers and local resources. Seeing yourself reflected in art is a powerful part of self-discovery.
Some questions you could ask include:
What are the most beautiful queer movies and books?
What are some of the best female LGBTQ+ YouTubers?
I'm in NYC -- what are some local queer organizations, events, bars and attractions?
Better still, tell ChatGPT the art that moved you the most, and ask for similar movies and books.
ChatGPT told me I have "beautiful, emotionally intense taste." (It already knew that about me, though.)
It gave me this list of books:
ChatGPT/Screenshot by CNET
The verdict: Gay or nay?
I liked being able to chat through specific questions, problems and information with AI. While it's no replacement for sitting down with a friend or going to your first queer bar -- or even asking a question on Reddit, where real people can answer you and provide insight -- it's a handy tool to have to feel less alone.
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