‘I was relieved when he left': Is it bad to celebrate when your children move out?
The empty nest used to be a rite of passage for parents waving their children off into adulthood. It was meant to usher in a new era of freedom, travel and fun for midlifers, before grandchildren reclaimed their time.
But life isn't quite so linear now. We're often emotionally closer to our children than previous generations were, many families communicate constantly via social media, and Gen X mums and dads often hang out with their teenagers simply because it's fun. So when they really go for good, it can be incredibly painful.
As A-levels roll on and university shimmers in the distance, the prospect of the empty nest looms over parents. No more late-night chats when they crash in from the pub, no more lifts, no more beloved, familiar presence in the next bedroom.
The actress Sadie Frost admitted earlier this year that she 'fell apart' when her offspring all left. She told Good Housekeeping's podcast, 'You get up, you make breakfast, you do the school run… When all that stopped, I fell apart. This… was my engine. This was what was driving me.'
I felt the same when my only son left home for university, way back in 2011. I now refer to that period as 'my nervous breakdown years' – because not only were we extremely close, but I had had him aged 22, and had barely known adult life without him at the centre of my decisions. His security and happiness were what drove my work ethic for 18 years, and without him there, as Barbie sang, I had no idea what I had been made for. My marriage fell apart, I moved to a new city in search of answers and it took me several years to find a path forward.
'Even though it was difficult when [the four children] all left home, it made me embrace being on my own,' said Frost. 'I had to face that fear.'
According to the Office for National Statistics, the average age for children to leave home is now 25. The Institute for Fiscal Studies has also found that since 2006, the number of adults aged 25-34 living at home has risen from 13 per cent to 18 per cent.
But when they do finally leave, for some mothers, the wrench can be agonising.
Toni Koppel, 65, a videographer from London, has sons aged 28 and 30. She says, 'I was so upset when my eldest left home to go to university in York. I thought I'd never be able to survive. We took him there and I was so sad all the way home,' she recalls. 'It was very hard to let go. He'd never lived away from home before. He'd never cooked anything himself, he was very shy. I was so worried about him. Even though his brother was still at home, the place felt empty.'
Gradually, however, Koppel began to see an upside.
'I moped around for two weeks, then I slowly realised there was less washing to do, the fridge stayed fuller, there was less housework.'
In the holidays, she adds, 'The house became bustling again with two young men arguing, leaving clothes and dirty plates everywhere. After a few days, I would want him to go back to uni!'
After graduating, both her sons left home permanently. 'I realise now that the short university terms were training me for these years – and now it was my turn to thrive again,' says Koppel. 'I started volunteering at the Five Bells Computer Club that I now run, I started SugarSweet Video Productions and joined a Nordic walking class.'
But while Koppel experienced an incremental introduction to the empty nest, Kari Roberts, 61, a coach and author from Hampshire, waved her eldest son off unexpectedly when he was just 16.
'He'd always wanted to go to the US to play basketball and he got the chance for a year when he was 16,' she explains. 'It was organised in a rush, and he flew out just two days after getting his GCSE results.'
Initially, she felt 'a mixture of sadness and excitement, as he was achieving his dream'. But while away, he decided to stay and complete the two-year high-school diploma.
'He came home for a holiday. Taking him to the airport the second time, I was overcome with such sadness, I broke down in tears,' recalls Roberts. 'I knew deep down he would carry on living in the US. He went to university there, and is now married with a family in San Diego.'
The sense of loss lasted years. 'I still have a surge of emotions when I think about it, and his age at the time definitely added to it. I felt like a bit of me was missing, but I knew I couldn't stop him as this had been his dream for years.'
They now visit regularly, and Roberts's other grown children live within a 15-minute drive. 'But it's still hard. We couldn't meet his second child for two years because of lockdowns. I still miss him.'
While most of us want happy independence for our children, some clearly find the transition easier than others – and some of that depends on their personalities, says single mother and binge eating coach Harriet Morris, 53, who lives in Shrewsbury.
'Louis was a confident, happy-go-lucky child right from the toddler years,' she says. 'I saw his independence as a good thing. Since he left for uni, I do have times when I feel wistful and see how fast the years have flown by,' she admits.
'I miss chatting to him. But I am overwhelmingly delighted that he has started to explore the world beyond sleepy old Shropshire. I do think my being a single parent played a part in my relief when he left – I'd been on my own for a whole decade, bringing up two lively boys.'
Morris understands, she says, that sadness is part of letting go, 'but growing up seems to me to be about leaving your parents in stages'.
There's still a tendency, however, to imagine that dads will merrily wave the kids off, while the mother falls apart – but that's not necessarily the case, says Michael Taylor*, 52, a quantity surveyor from Liverpool.
'Our daughter Natalie* left two years ago to go to university in London,' he says. 'She's suffered from anxiety in the past and she found the transition really challenging. She phoned home a lot, and my wife, Karen*, would spend hours reassuring her. We both missed her massively, partly because we knew she wasn't having a good time,' he explains. 'I tried to be strong for her and Karen, who was worrying about her constantly, but my own sadness felt like I was dragging a lead weight around,' Taylor adds. 'I felt I hadn't done a good enough job as her dad, that she wasn't ready for independence. Thankfully, by the Easter term, she'd met some like-minded girls and started to find her niche.''
But, he admits, 'It was a really tough time. I don't think Karen knows quite how hard I found it too, but as a dad, you feel you have to support everyone else. I'm just so glad she's found her path now.'
Empty nesting, as Sadie Frost has discovered, can be a curious mix of freedom and fear, relief and regret.
'Missing your child, but knowing they're happy and independent, is a good problem to have, I think,' says Harriet Morris.
All these years later, I can confirm that she's entirely correct.
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EXCLUSIVE Professional homemaker who offers £200 workshops in cooking and cleaning has followers as young as 10 years old - but insists she's NOT a tradwife
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Daily Mail
2 hours ago
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