A lament for the lads' mags

Do you remember the lads' mags? I do because I worked on them for years. FHM, Maxim, all those gloriously disreputable titles. I helped dream up the captions, the gags, the gonzo reportage, the phwoar-heavy covers.
I also remember how they were reviled. Condemned by broadsheets, feminists, academics. Accused of objectifying girls, toxifying masculinity and encouraging men to enjoy cold lager, bare breasts and football gossip.
Yet here's the thing. When I contrast the world of lads' mags with today's bleak digital landscape, of AI smut and OnlyFans subscriptions, of performers mechanically coupling with a thousand men, cheered on by Insta-bots, the old magazines, even if sometimes crude or clumsy, seem almost noble. Paragons of playfulness and wit. Of joyful, communal, slightly sozzled eroticism.
They were printed on paper, for one thing. You had to buy them, take them to a till, perhaps even smuggle them past a disapproving girlfriend. Then you'd read them on the bus or in the pub, or pass them round your mates, chuckling over absurd sex-advice columns – especially Grub Smith's 'Laboratory of Love'.
And they were funny. In the early years, before the suits turned everything into clickbait, we made sure we amused. We borrowed from Private Eye, from Viz, from Monty Python. The best mags also had proper journalists doing proper journalism: gun-runners in Guangdong, acid casualties in Ibiza. Put it another way – the lads' mags had a kind of courage, even an intellectual curiosity. Sometimes, if you were lucky, they got you to invent a ridiculous phrase that would last forever. Or at least they did for me.
It was the late 1990s and FHM was peaking. At its best, the magazine sold nearly a million copies a month. We were carefully producing the first-ever list of The 100 Sexiest Women in the World (which became an annual standard). My job was to write the captions. One hundred pithy, smutty, funny lines beneath a hundred photos of impossibly attractive women.
Sounds easy? You try it – without using ChatGPT. Try writing a hundred unique ways of saying 'she's hot' without repeating yourself or getting sacked. Around no. 34, I was delirious. Around no. 50, the editor physically locked me in his office and refused to let me out until the job was done.
Then, somewhere around no. 73, I hit a wall. I was staring at a Danish starlet with smoky eyes and a definite air of sexual availability, of 'come hither' and 'I'm ready'. Falteringly, I typed: 'You can tell she's wetter than…' And there I stopped. Wetter than what? Heavy rain? Dublin in December?
Then came the lightning bolt: 'Wetter than an otter's pocket.' There it was: a perfect smutty phrase. Rude, but somehow innocent. Suggestive, but oddly poetic. It had internal rhyme and a ribald hint of biology. What does an otter keep in his pocket? His lunch. Work it out.
Then, years later, something odd happened. I started hearing my phrase. From a football pundit describing an Anfield pitch. Then a weather girl. Some bloke on local radio. Then it cropped up on pub signs, in band names, in poems. Even, to my alarm, in the title of a Penguin children's book (er, guys).
Curious, I contacted the editors of Viz's Profanisaurus, keepers of the English language's smuttiest corners. Had I pinched it unconsciously? 'We can find no earlier usage,' they graciously replied. 'Looks like it's yours.'
It's not much of a literary legacy, I'll admit. But it proves my point: however daft, however filthy, that kind of writing came from somewhere real. From a shared humour, shared culture, shared sense of sly British mischief. It was a Carry On wink, not a deracinated leer.
Compare that with today. Porn is infinite and industrial. AI generates fake nudes of real women and OnlyFans monetises isolation. Meanwhile bedrooms grow quieter, intimacy becomes a memory. And incels slowly lose their minds, in darkness.
It sounds odd to write this, but I believe that the lads' mag era – so often dismissed as crass and sexist – was a kind of funny, smutty Golden Age. And now we are in the Age of Loneliness.

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Learn with AIFact CheckingText to SpeechAI Summary

Related Articles

Spectator

2 days ago

• Spectator

Stephen Fry could do with a lesson in ‘radicalisation'

Stephen Fry has accused J.K. Rowling of being 'inflammatory and contemptuous', 'mocking' and adding to 'a terribly distressing time for trans people'. Fry, who narrated the Harry Potter audiobooks, has damned their author for saying 'cruel' and 'wrong' things and for failing to 'disavow some of the more revolting and truly horrible, destructive – violently destructive – things that people say'. He suspects that she's been 'radicalised by Terfs', charged her with kicking up 'a hornet's nest of transphobia which has been entirely destructive', and dismissed her as 'a lost cause'. Might I interrupt this lengthy damnatio memoriae to point out that Fry is supposed to be Rowling's friend and to venture that, if she deserves to be rebuked for anything, it's her godawful taste in friends. Fry, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson. The woman is like flypaper for airheads, dilettantes, and abject ingrates. If J.K. Rowling has been radicalised, it is not by Terfs Fry's comments, which came in a recording of the podcast The Show People, are in stark contrast to his answer when asked about these matters in 2021 ('She's a friend and will remain a friend') and again the following year, when he refused to 'abandon' her and said: 'I know that J.K. Rowling doesn't want to see trans people bullied, alienated, shut out of society, made to feel ashamed, guilty, laughed at, all those things.' Fry suggests Rowling has been 'radicalised', a word familiar to followers of the gender controversy for its customary application to women who insist on their rights. Although the terminology echoes that used to describe recruitment of Islamist terrorists, you need not be a feminist semantician to suspect that 'radical' is being used as a synonym for 'hysterical', as though women who believe in chromosomal sex are like the mad heroine of a Charlotte Perkins Gilman story and would benefit from a lie down. Radicalisation is a deceptive and manipulative framing because recognising the existence of physiological differences between men and women isn't radicalism, it's biology. Fry has repeatedly professed his distaste for the gender wars and refused to engage on the substance. For all his donnish affectations, he's a 'be kind' merchant whose contribution to the debate is every bit as vacuous as those Insta mums who pose with a Pride Progress flag in front of their 'Live, Laugh, Love' wall canvas every 1 June. Yet were Fry to take heed of what the gender ideology vanguard say, he might grasp that their use of 'radicalisation' is projection. For if you've convinced yourself that men become women by declaring themselves to be so, that women corseting themselves in chest binders or having healthy breasts amputated is sound therapeutic care, that children should be offered medical and even surgical interventions to mutilate their bodies – and, yes, this is what the vanguard believes – then you should stop and ask who exactly has been radicalised here. When I first wrote critically about gender identity ideology on Coffee House in 2019, it set in motion a parting of ways with several friends who could not tolerate my disagreement with the fundamental convictions they had recently picked up from Twitter. The end of a friendship is often mired in sadness and regret but when a mate breaks away because you reckon Judith Butler is a bit of a nutter, there is – eventually – relief at a bullet dodged. There is also a deeper appreciation of those friendships which span political and philosophical divides. Some of my dearest friends are people who maintain that trans women are women, Israel is committing genocide in Gaza, Scotland should be an independent state, and Jeremy Corbyn would have made a good prime minister. Mateship across ideological lines is normal and healthy, I don't care what the bug-eyed scolds on BlueSky say. You stick by your mate, defend him even as you disagree with him, and you most certainly don't turn on him when a gang of under-medicated hall monitors corner you in the cafeteria. I'd like to think that Rowling doesn't pay much mind to turncoats who huff the fumes of her success then ditch her for status points. That she's too busy spending her days in a mountaintop hotel typing 'All work and no play makes Jo a dull girl' and her nights dive-bombing into a vault of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. But no doubt it stings her just as it would the rest of us. That's unfortunate but it is better than the alternative. A friendship you can only hold on to by believing, or pretending to believe, that womanhood is nothing more than a feeling, that sex-based rights are bigoted, that transing the gay away is progressive, is a friendship from which you should flee without delay. If J.K. Rowling has been radicalised, it is not by Terfs but by the spinelessness and intellectual vacuity of characters like Stephen Fry. Men who profess left-liberal affinities in every other regard but are content to align themselves with harmful, reactionary doctrines because to do otherwise would be low-brow. Why, he'd be no better than the ghastly Americans who voted for Trump and those hideous English provincials who read the Daily Express. People like this have nothing to add to the conversation beyond repeating vapid platitudes half-remembered from their last dinner party. If this is the quality of contribution Fry has to offer the gender debate, it might be wise all round if he resumed his vow of silence.

Scottish Sun

2 days ago

• Scottish Sun

Iconic band announce last ever London show as frontman leaves band after 30 years

It comes as the singer released an emotional statement on his band exit ALL CHANGE Iconic band announce last ever London show as frontman leaves band after 30 years AN ICONIC rock outfit have called time on their current line-up with a farewell London gig. The Danish hitmakers, who formed in 1995, are famed for tracks including Satellites, She Came Home For Christmas and Special, have told how their final shows represent a "heartfelt thank you" to fans. Advertisement 6 An iconic rock band will play a farewell tour for fans in London Credit: Getty 6 It comes after lead singer Jonas Bjerre announced he was quitting the band after three decades Credit: Getty 6 Danish band Mew formed in 1995 and are known for tracks including including Satellites and She Came Home For Christmas Credit: Getty Now Copenhagen-formed band Mew have told fans their show in the English capital is a chance to "experience Mew live one last time." It comes as original member Jonas Bjerre, 48, quit the band after 30 years, with his talent on-show at London's Roundhouse on December 9. The group, who have released eight studio albums, have stated: "In 2025, Mew celebrate 30 years of groundbreaking music with a special farewell tour - marking frontman Jonas Bjerre's final performances. "This tour is a heartfelt thank-you to the fans who have shaped their journey. Advertisement "Don't miss this chance to experience Mew live one last time." He is also part of the band Apparatjik, alongside Bassist Guy Berryman from Coldplay. ALL CHANGE Singer Jonas formed In A Better Place band Mew alongside Silas Utke Graae Jørgensen, bassist Johan Wohlert, and guitarist Bo Madsen formed in 1995. Johan then left the band for a period between 2006 and 2013. Advertisement The musician previously released a statement on his band exit. He told fans: "Dearest Frengers. Drummer from metal band rocks out before quitting band "[2025] marks the 30th anniversary of Mew! It's been quite a journey, that's brought me and my lovely band mates on countless adventures, for which I am eternally grateful. "And none of it could have happened if not for you Frengers and your support. This is something I've never taken for granted, and never will. Advertisement "For me, this journey will be coming to an end." He added: "I have come to the realisation that it's time for me personally to embark on a different journey, and focus on other creative projects. "I am so happy that we get to play these farewell shows, and that I get to go on one last trip with my dear friends and co-founders Johan and Silas, as well as the Doc and Mads Wegner." He finished off his message with the words "love Jonas." Advertisement OPENING UP Jonas recently opened up about what he missed the most from when the band first started out three decades ago. In a candid interview he said: "I think one thing I miss about myself is when I was a kid I'd go into a record store and I'd just like put on records from whatever, if the cover was interesting to me or something, there would be room for anything inside of me like no matter what it was I would find something appealing in it almost. "And now I think my mind's a bit more closed off." He added to "That's something I'm working on, exposing myself to more things cause I used to do that all the time. I mean, when I was 14 myself and the guitar player went and watched Eraserhead by David Lynch. Advertisement "It's a long and tough film to watch when you're a kid, but we just sat through it and I think that exposing yourself to things that you might not immediately understand is something that you kind of lose a little bit with age, and I think that's something you gotta keep working at. "Because otherwise your mind will start just closing up." So that's something which we try and do more and more, but as for the band, I think in the beginning the band was just really, everyone was so thrilled that we could make this noise together and when you get older you obviously put bigger demands on your work, it has to be more than that. "So it gets harder and harder to satisfy yourself, musically. That can be tough sometimes, but I think it's a necessary thing if you wanna keep growing and expanding the quality of what you do." Advertisement 6 They will play at London's Roundhouse on December 9 Credit: Getty 6 They have released eight studio albums Credit: Getty

Daily Mirror

2 days ago

• Daily Mirror

King Charles and Queen Camilla send special message to senior royal

Charles and Camilla have wished a happy birthday to the Duchess of Gloucester on her 79th birthday, as she continues her lifetime of service to the Firm King Charles and Queen Camilla have sent a special message to the Duchess of Gloucester on her 79th birthday, sharing a unique portrait of the senior working royal. Marking her birthday on Friday, the King and Queen shared an elegant photo of Birgitte on social media, wishing her the best for her birthday celebrations. The photograph showed the Duchess dressed in a cream ensemble with a wide-brimmed hat and pearl necklace. The photo was captured during her hosting of the Not Forgotten Association garden party at Buckingham Palace in May. The birthday message featured a simple caption reading "Happy Birthday to The Duchess of Gloucester!" accompanied by a celebration emoji. ‌ ‌ The Danish-born royal, who is married to the late Queen Elizabeth II's cousin Prince Richard, continues her extensive programme of royal duties as one of the senior working members of the royal family. Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester - born Birgitte Eva van Deurs Henriksen on June 20th 1946 - first met Prince Richard while studying at Cambridge University in the late 1960s, with the couple marrying on July 8th 1972 at St Andrew's Church in Northamptonshire. On her wedding day, Birgitte opted for a dress created by one of the late Queen Elizabeth's favourite designers Norman Hartnell, and teamed the stunning look with a floral headpiece instead of a traditional tiara. Just six weeks after their wedding, Prince Richard's elder brother, Prince William of Gloucester, was killed in a flying accident, with Prince Richard then unexpectedly became heir apparent to the dukedom. Prince Richard and Birgitte assumed their current titles as Duke and Duchess of Gloucester when Prince Richard's father, Prince Henry, passed away in 1974. The Gloucesters have three children together - Alexander, Davina and Rose. ‌ The couple's union has now spanned five decades, as they continue their years of service and dedication to the Crown, attending many royal engagements alongside King Charles and Queen Camilla. Recently, the Duchess made a notable appearance earlier this week at the Garter Day procession in Windsor, having been invested as a Royal Lady Companion to the Order of the Garter last year. She also attended Royal Ascot on Wednesday.