Starmer pays £10bn to surrender UK's vital defence to a honeymoon resort
Not only is Britain finished, we're running out of people to surrender it to. China got Hong Kong. The EU got our waters. But who gets our base at Diego Garcia? Mauritius. I'd love to explain that one to the ghost of Queen Victoria: 'The future of the Royal Navy, your majesty, is now in the hands of a honeymoon resort.'
Vic isn't amused. I'm spitting blood. Like any patriotic Englishman, I'd gladly take a bullet to protect this essential and much-loved base in the Indian Ocean.
Our day of infamy began with a ray of hope. Some Chagossians protested the deal in the High Court; the PM was briefly stopped by a judge (serves the lawyer right: if you live by m'lord, you'll die by m'lord). But the wheels of justice spun into reverse and, at about 3pm, Keir Starmer threw a press conference to announce the sale of the century.
Mauritius gets the islands; we then pay them £10 billion to remain in situ. Keir was first made aware of this exciting offer via an unsolicited email from a man looking to invest the assets of a late Nigerian prince.
To sweeten matters, the PM posed with a general who, in a better age, would be planning a coup behind his back. Field Marshal Sir Hillary Clippety-clop wore a braid so preposterously long and golden one imagined tugging it to open a curtain. The historian David Cannadine called such things 'the cavalcade of impotence': the more Britain diminishes, the more its rulers enjoy dressing up.
Don't think this is a good deal for the UK? MI5 would be interested in having a chat.
'Who is in favour?', asked the PM rhetorically. 'All our allies. Who is against it? Russia, China, Iran and, surprisingly, the leader of the Opposition.' Keir didn't use her name because, according to the latest polls, the vast majority of voters wouldn't recognise it – but the implication was clear. Kemi is aiding our enemies.
Well, the Tories weren't having that. During a fiery Commons statement, Opposition spokesman James Cartlidge called it 'beneath contempt' to accuse the Government's critics of treachery. He went on to label the deal a 'betrayal' and a 'surrender', and to rewrite Labour's theme tune as 'they'll keep the white flag flying here'.
Minister John Healey, a much-pained politician whose every sentence sounds like his last, regretted 'the tone' of Cartlidge's remarks, which is what Labour does. Attacks on their policies are dismissed as populism; passion is evidence of mental decline. Were it not for parliamentary privilege, Cartlidge would have been carted off to jail.
But the claim that the Government simply had to sign this deal because foreign courts demanded it does not hold water – and even Labour MPs were privately criticising it. Courts interpret; the Commons has the final say.
No one forced Starmer's hand. We're simply witnessing the logical consequence of government by a class that is embarrassed by Britain's past greatness and would surrender its territory to anyone who puts in a dubious claim. Today Chagos; tomorrow Gibraltar and the Falklands. Vanuatu can have Cornwall.
The sun had to set on Vicky's empire someday, but I never imagined we'd be paying someone £10 billion to lower the flag.
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