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I grew up with two mums – I never needed a father figure

I grew up with two mums – I never needed a father figure

Telegraph5 days ago

I can't pinpoint a time when I knew I was growing up in a family that didn't represent 'traditional' ones, because being raised by my two mothers is all I've ever known.
They got together when I was six, after my biological parents split. My father was not the most caring or brilliant role model in life, but it didn't matter – my mum and her partner, Lisa, did a brilliant job of bringing me up and teaching me how to be a functioning adult.
Myself and my four brothers were raised without gender norms. If a room needed cleaning, we were never taught to believe that was a 'woman's job' – anything women could do, men could too, and vice versa. What makes a happy environment is a home full of acceptance, love and care and that's exactly what we had.
I didn't notice any particular difference about our family during childhood until I reached the age of around 12, when kids at school began making comments about my having two mums. The bullying was there, and being gay wasn't so out in the open as it is now back in the early 2000s. I'd get comments like: 'your mums are gay, so you must be too', or that I didn't know how to be a boy because I didn't have a dad in the house. Even now, I get the odd comment – as much as we think that people support the gay community, things aren't where they need to be.
Thankfully my biological mum and her wife, Lisa, are really strong-minded, so if negativity comes their way, we just joke about it. Having a sense of humour about our situation is how we deal with things as a family.
I kept in touch with my dad until four years ago, but we haven't been in regular contact since – he's always been very bitter about the split with my mum. But I've had plenty of great men in my life to learn from, especially my grandfather. He stood by my mum after the divorce, even though everybody else acted as though she was the devil, and no matter what she needed, he was there.
My brothers, my mothers' male gay friends, and friends of my own have also had a huge effect on my life. All of them helped shape me into the person I am today. They have shown me that a father figure isn't necessary, and that you don't need a man to create a happy home. Role models are important, but it doesn't have to be the person you call 'Dad'.
To me, being a good person has nothing to do with gender. People can have a father at home and find themselves in the most toxic, abusive household – that's so much more negative than being brought up with two mums.
What shapes you is love, family and community and the way that you are raised. We're not big on celebrating events, so for Father's and Mother's Day we just mark the occasion with a phone call or Facebook post. But I know my mothers feel how grateful we all are for how things have ended up.
At 31, I've come to understand what an absolutely incredible job they've done in making my brothers and I the men that we are. We're all very respectful, all married with children, and committed to being the best we can be for our families. We're also all in heterosexual relationships – something that seems to surprise people who make negative comments about growing up in a household with two women.
I've been thinking more about what role models mean since my daughter was born six weeks ago. Her being here has made me consider who I do and don't want to be as a father, and if anything, the best thing my own dad has done for me is to show me how not to behave. I want to be a proud father: to celebrate my little girl no matter what life she ends up having, no matter what choices she makes. I want our household to be full of love, to be a joyful, happy father, and to create a good life for my daughter. My mothers have shown me how to do that, and I plan to do the same for her.

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