I'm feeling guilty about all the casual sex I've been having and worry my daughters will do the same
DEAR DEIDRE: BEING desired by men used to make me feel so powerful and good about myself, but recently I've been feeling guilty about all the casual sex I've been having.
I'm 28 and a single mother to two daughters, aged seven and three. I support us all by myself and we have a nice life.
They are my everything and yet I spend so much money on babysitters so I can go out on casual dates.
I wake up in the morning thinking, 'Never again'. Then I'm straight back on the apps, looking for my next hook-up.
Last year I met a man I really hoped would be The One. He seemed kind and caring, and I got to know him slowly before we had sex.
When we finally did, I cried because it was both passionate and loving.
A few months later, my best friend found him on Tinder still.
Relationships have never been easy for me. I get very clingy and emotional — boyfriends don't stick around long. But I've always loved sex, mainly because it makes me feel so good about myself, for a short time at least.
I met my girls' father when I was only 18 and got pregnant by accident. We tried to make the relationship work but we had nothing in common.
My sex drive was much higher than his and the constant rejection ruined my confidence.
When we split up, I had one-night stands to reassert my independence. I thought it would be a phase but I'm finding it impossible to stop.
I'm constantly looking for sex and I almost don't care who it's with. But I'm worried my daughters will grow up to do the same.
Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex
DEIDRE SAYS: A craving to be desired is often a sign of low self-esteem, which usually develops at a young age.
You don't say what growing up was like for you, or how you were treated as a child, but it may be the root cause of your feelings.
It might also explain your attachment style and why you feel so vulnerable in relationships.
The good news is, being a loving mother will help your own daughters grow up with a more secure foundation. You're not failing your daughters. You are raising both of them by yourself, which is no easy task.
Build up your self-confidence to help break the habit of seeking meaningless sex.
I'm sending you my support packs on Raising Self-esteem and Finding The Right Partner For You.
I know you're wary, believing you'll never find love. That's understandable after all you've been through.
But you still have plenty of time to find the right person.
MY DOUBTS OVER GIRL'S PARENTAGE
I HAVE doubts over who is the father of my granddaughter.
My daughter is 28 and I'm her father. She'd been dating her current partner – a lovely lad, a builder, aged 30 – for only a couple of months when she got pregnant last year.
It was a shock to both of them, but he stepped up. They all live together now and seem very happy.
But the baby looks nothing like him. And I mean nothing. She has bright ginger hair, blue eyes and very pale skin.
My daughter's boyfriend has black hair, green eyes and sallow skin.
But you know who does have ginger hair? My daughter's old next-door neighbour.
I never liked him. He's much older than my daughter and seemed to live a sketchy life, full of 'deals' and far-fetched stories.
My daughter liked him, though, and they often met for coffee or went shopping. He has money – I don't know where from – and was always helping her out financially.
He's the spitting image of my granddaughter and I can't help but assume he's the father.
I daren't say anything in case I spark a family rift, but I think my daughter's partner deserves the truth.
He's working all hours to support them, while the neighbour swans around like nothing's happened.
I asked my daughter if she'd ever had a fling with her old neighbour and she looked at me in horror.
She swore on her daughter's life that nothing had ever happened. But I don't know.
Each child gets half their genes from each parent, and the final combination can be unexpected. It's not unusual for parents to have a child who looks nothing like either of them.
Appearances can change over time, too. Your daughter's partner might seem darker-skinned, but his outdoorsy job could just have tanned him.
And babies' eyes often look blue when they're born, but can change during the first year.
It wouldn't be wise to go storming in and would probably damage your relationship with your daughter.
You're right in thinking you might spark a family feud if you voice your doubts again.
You risk setting the couple against each other too, at a time when they need to be united for your granddaughter's sake.
Your role is to support your family, not create conflict.
DUMPING HIM OVER SEX
I'M so sick of my boyfriend turning me down for sex, I've decided to dump him.
The final straw happened tonight. We don't live together – we're both 22 – so I texted him a sexy message, asking if I should pop over for some fun.
His reply? 'I've just put my tea on.'
What red-blooded man would rather watch a ready-meal in the microwave than have sex with his girlfriend?
After that, I realised we are only ever intimate when he initiates it. I sent him a long message explaining how hurt I felt, and he simply replied, 'OK.'
That's it. He's blocked.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're understandably upset. Sex should be a loving act enjoyed by both of you, not something only he can initiate. He sounds like he is keen to keep everything on his terms.
If you want to work on this then meet up to discuss how he feels about your relationship, explain how rejected you feel.
You won't get any answers by blocking him.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, explains more.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY son's real dad got back in touch, so I'll have to finally tell my son about him.
I'm 45, my son is 15. He thinks my husband, who is also 45, is his father.
He's not. His real dad is a man I had a fling with, who vanished as soon as I got pregnant.
Two years later, I met my husband, and we became a family.
I was always waiting for the right time to break the news. Every time I'd gathered the courage to tell my son the truth, a crisis would get in the way. I was ill, then we had to move house, then Covid.
The years flew by. I'd resigned myself to breaking the news on my son's 18th birthday, but then my ex got back in touch out of the blue.
He wants to see our son. I don't think I can deny him that. But we're in the middle of another crisis.
My husband had an affair three years ago and I'm struggling to get over it.
My son is already shaken by the bad atmosphere so I don't feel I can shake his world further.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is good that you plan to tell your son about his biological dad as secrets do have a way of coming out. You can handle this in a way that minimises the stress on everyone.
The first step is to sort things out with your husband. Counselling – ideally as a couple, but individually if necessary – is a good way to process issues like infidelity.
It lets you work through all your feelings and then find a way to move past them.
I realise you're finding it hard to forgive your husband but remember, forgiveness is something you do for you, not anyone else.
It's not letting him off the hook, it's giving yourself permission to move forwards.
When it comes to revealing the news to your son, you can find advice through Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).
Talking to him is going to be difficult, and only you can decide when the right time is.
But impress upon him that your husband has always been there for him and loves him unconditionally.
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