Black Women Are Sharing Some Of The Most Shockingly Backhanded Compliments They've Ever Gotten From White Folks, And My Black Jaw Is On The Floor

As a wise woman once said, "When you're Black, you're never really lonely. Because there will always be a white person all up in your business."
A few recent internet happenings got me thinking about all the weird "compliments" I've gotten as a Black woman — comments that are meant to make my day but usually leave me feeling insulted or just scratching my head. Of course, I am far from the only Black woman who's gotten these, so I asked the Black women of the BuzzFeed Community to share their worst backhanded compliments from non-Black folks. Here are some of their responses:
1. "I'm a Black female. I was approached by a really old white lady. She told me my skin was so pretty. Then she said she wished she could put herself in the microwave. I didn't know whether I should be offended or take that as a compliment. Probably both!!!!"
— greensealion726
2. "People often feel the need to point out that I 'speak so well.' I'm also told I don't act Black because of the way I speak, the wide variety of music I listen to, my love for musical theatre, or the fact that I am vegan. Black is who I am. Black is more than preconceived notions of who we are and what we are capable of. Black is not one-dimensional."
3. "My best friend, whom I've known since fourth grade, is a dark-skinned, Black woman. She absolutely hates when people tell her that she isn't like other Black people, she's 'one of the good ones,' and when she asks them to explain what they mean by that, they either immediately start trying to backpedal their comment, or sheepishly say that she's not 'ghetto.' People act like being able to code-switch your demeanor for different situations makes her better than other Black people, which is bullshit."
"This woman has a master's in archaeology, studied abroad in England, is one of the kindest people I know, has a great sense of humor, and white people tell her that they like her because she's different than their idea of what Black people should be! That's effed up on so many levels."
—Anonymous, 24, Virginia
4. "Your hair is so professional' from my white mother-in-law on a day that I straightened it…"
"I've also gotten 'Did you get a haircut?' when I obviously went from natural to box braids. Why not just ask if I got my hair done?! It's like 3 feet longer than yesterday, does it LOOK cut?"
— grouchyswan78
"I have very curly hair and usually wear it natural, but I recently straightened it just because. Just yesterday, my co-worker said, 'Oh, you look so pretty with your hair straight.' And I'm not sure how she's saying I look when my hair is natural."
—Anonymous, 40, Chicago
5. "When I was 14 years old, a white woman at the post office looked at me and said, 'You are so beautiful...for a Black girl.' The rudeness!! Not beautiful because of myself; beautiful as long as I stayed in a category."
—Nya, Maryland
6. "My field is over 95% male and over 60% white (firefighting in the US). Whenever we watch Jeopardy! together, the white men, especially, are absolutely STUNNED when I get most of the clues right. It's as if there is no way they can fathom me knowing the trivia I know. They also say I'm 'condescending' because I 'use big words.' I just love language, and I read a lot! Sue me!"
7. "I work for a hospital and had to interview a patient about his medical history. Walked into the patient's room and introduced myself. His gaze proved to be quite unsettling. Then he proceeded to look me up and down. Turned to his daughter in the room and stated that I was a pretty 'nigra' girl and had gorgeous cheekbones. And remarked how I definitely had Cherokee in my bloodline. I was quite disgusted and muttered as I exited the room, 'This is so unnecessary and rude.'"
—Jay, 39, Florida
8. "One of my previous supervisors, 10+ years ago, not that it makes any difference, walked by me and said, 'Oh, you got your hurr did!' in reference to my new hairstyle. I was literally doing my job and not speaking to anyone... it was just a very random thing to say. I laughed it off, but I was mortified. Because why would you even think to speak that way?"
"Not only do I not talk like that... I didn't even have conversations with him about personal matters. He was post-military, trying to find his footing in the civilian world, and was the most hated supervisor in the building. I didn't hate him...but man...over a decade later, I'm still in disbelief."
— silkytoaster24
9. "I was once in the restroom at work, and a co-worker was in a stall, and we both exited at the same time to wash our hands, bumped arms, and she turned and said, 'You're so soft.' Like we're hard. THEY NOT LIKE US. We moisturize!! I tried not to knock her between the washer and dryer for saying that! She tried to come correct afterward by asking what I use to keep my skin soft."
10. "I've been working for over 20 years as a flight attendant and a male passenger asked me how long I have been a flight attendant. When I told him, he said, 'I bet you were really good-looking when you started.'"
—D. L. W., 71, San Antonio, TX
11. "Freshman year in college at a predominantly white school. I was excitedly approached in the first few weeks by several students AND PROFESSORS saying they were excited I was here and asking what sports scholarship I was offered to attend that school. They were baffled that my response was that I was attending on an academic scholarship."
—Anina, Decatur, GA
12. "Definitely, the most creepy one I've received is 'You're so neat for an island girl!' I'm from New York..."
—Lani, 23, NYC
13. "I worked in Hollywood for a few years doing background acting, and we were told to come to set 'hair and makeup ready' for a particular show filming. I guess I did a pretty good job on my makeup and looked so well put together that a white male member of production said, 'You look so perfect…you look like Michelle Obama.' He even showed me off to one of his production teammates."
"I don't look anything like Michelle Obama, but I felt he made the comparison because that was probably the most popular Black woman he could name who he thought looked well put together."
—Tanya B, Los Angeles, CA
14. "I am a retired public school administrator. As the building principal, I was meeting with a parent. When the student's mother walked into my office, she said, 'Wow, your office is nice and really big.' Mind you, I was the head principal of a high school and she was surprised at the size of my office."
—Anonymous
15. "My husband and I were having lunch with my brother-in-law and his new wife, who were visiting. She's from Vietnam but travels around the world frequently with BIL. I asked her how she was liking the city so far. She replies, with a fearful tone, 'I love the hotel, but we got here at night, and the valet man was so dark I could only see his teeth!' Followed by stunned silence from the table. She continued, looking at me sweetly, 'You have such a beautiful complexion and skin tone, it's so warm and light. You are very pretty. I've never seen a Black person with such beautiful skin.'"
"I knew for a fact this woman had vacationed on nearly every continent and island since meeting BIL. So this wasn't her being 'innocently' ignorant. (For context, I am Black, and my husband and BIL are Pakistani)."
—Anonymous, Houston, TX
16. "Casually having a conversation with my eye doctor. Doc is going on and on about his brother and how he's done this for him and that for him. I correctly used the word 'nepotism' in my reply. After an awkward silence, Doc says, 'Wow! You must read a lot of books to know what that word means.' I don't think Doc meant anything by it, but seriously?!"
17. "Oh, please… I'm a Black European from a white AF, racist, ignorant as fuuuuuuu... country. America, hold my beer. White European folks be saying the most offensive racist shit with a smile on their faces, and then you just stand there looking at their white, confused-ass faces, genuinely not understanding why I'm annoyed. I could write a whole damn book series, 'Backhanded Racist Comments from White Folks,' in a fucking zillion volumes."
"I'm Black mixed, and one time, this chick told me with the smile and voice of a 'nice white folk' type that I had the 'right' skin color. I constantly — since I was a kiddo — get told how 'eloquent' I am, and since they love to praise me for speaking my own damn language 'so well.' Oh, and one time someone straight up asked me if I washed my hair 'cause it looked nice."
— antoinette_yoo
18. "I'm a doctor, and I had a patient tell me in detail how he only wants Black women to care for him because they are just so much better at taking care of people than anyone else, like his Jamaican nurse, and we have an innate ability to do so. It was meant to be a compliment but really struck me the wrong way."
19. "'Is that your hair??? It's so long, you must be mixed.' When they see my eyes and my hair, 'Are you mixed???' When my hair is in braids, 'OMG, your hair is so pretty, can I touch it???' Literally had a white woman at a bar petting my damn head like I'm a dog, then proceeding to say, 'When I was younger and in school, I went to school with Black girls, and they would love to braid my hair, and it would be really tight,' while still stroking my braids."
"'You're not like most Black people I know.' When I ask for clarification, they say, 'You know,' and I side-eye them because I know they're referring to ghetto people. 'You like to swim??? You don't mind your hair getting wet???' Again, another side-eye, because the stereotype is that African American women do not like or will not swim because either they can't or they don't want to get their hair wet."
— summertymelalah
20. "I was getting my nails done at a new salon. The nail tech was extremely nice until she wasn't… she asked me my nationality, and I told her that I am African American, and she proceeded to tell me that I'm so pretty and it's impossible to be AA because I have a small nose and lips… I almost left mid-manicure. It was such an insult."
—Jen, Kansas
21. "A coworker of mine has beautiful, long, and full sisterlocks. A patient told her that it looked like she had a mop on her head. They meant it as a compliment."
22. "Things like pointing out you're the only Black girl there as if it's supposed to be some prize or privilege that you are allowed in their spaces."
— kelisqueenin
23. "This happened when I was a teenager. I am biracial, and my white grandfather hadn't seen me in a few years. To give further context as to my home life, I was the only Black person allowed in the house growing up. I walked up to my grandfather, and the first thing he said after not seeing me for years was, 'Oh, you actually turned out pretty.' I knew race was a big factor in this comment because race was always a thing in the house. I was frequently told Black people were wrong, nothing, or animals — I must have been the exception. Sadly, though, this was my grandfather's way of giving me a compliment."
—Anonymous, 36, Texas
24. "My high school journalism teacher told me and my friend, another Black girl, that if she only ever heard our voices over the phone, she would never guess that we were Black."
— peacefuldog70
"Wow. I had one similar while working in customer service. A white woman was scheduled to meet with me, and upon my greeting her at the door, she asked for such and such; I indicated that it was me. She said she thought I was white based on my voice. Hahaha"
— cheesymagician682
25. "My hair is natural: blonde, big, fierce, curly, long, and beautiful. The unsolicited comments... from a white girl with loose, white girl curls: 'We're the curly sisters!' or 'I wish I had your hair.' Both lies and twisted projections."
—Anonymous, Chicago, IL
26. "Years ago, I was approached by a coworker's mom who didn't interact with Black people outside of TV. She came to my desk and said, 'You are so clean and smell so good. How'd you do that!' I'm sorry. I burst out laughing, and my coworker pulled her mom away."
—Wishgurl50
27. "I'm retired now, thank goodness! I worked for a major airline in Houston, and when I would greet the passengers getting off the plane, I would hear the rudest complaints. My hair is white, curly and big! 'OMG, how long did it take to do that?' Another Black woman with blonde hair: 'It looks so soft, can I touch it?' (as their hand is already raised). I told her I was not a pet! Pushed her hand back. The one I detested the most was the international flights, men telling me how beautiful I am for a Black woman. I have more, enough to write a book!"
28. "I had a co-worker who told me I was pretty and further expressed that she 'doesn't see color.' She gushed about being an ally and how being color blind was the answer to racial discord. I had to explain to her that the statement was an insult because if she couldn't see my skin color, she wasn't really SEEING me."
—E, 60+, Denver, CO
29. "Three things: I'm a Black woman, but I've been told I talk like a white person. A coworker gleefully told me that a Jewish administrative assistant to a high-level executive said I am an 'uppity Black.' A white acquaintance, thinking she was giving me a compliment, said I am the whitest Black girl she knows."
—Pamela
30. "I worked in a nursing home, and it was my first week. A white patient took my hand, rubbed it, and said, 'Oh, you're not bad, you're not that dark.' I was in my late 20s!"

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