Be sure to oil your doors...or this is bound to happen

Education Correspondent John Mulholland provides us with the following vignette, which illustrates the challenges faced by teachers...
Teacher: 'Now that I have explained the meaning of the word 'aftermath,' would someone like to give me a sentence containing the word 'aftermath'?'
Pupil: 'My timetable on a Friday is a disaster because I get two periods of English after Math.'
'How ridiculous,' says John. 'Everyone in Scotland should know it's Maths.'
Fighting talk
WE'RE discussing those muddling modes of language known as malapropisms. Derek Blakey worked with a lady famous for her unique turn of phrase.
She once revealed that while watching a TV documentary about the Second World War, she was impressed by the heroism of the famous fighting force, the Gherkins.
Says Derek: 'One thing they did do, was get us out of a pickle.'
Read more: Finding yourself in one of Glasgow's less than salubrious watering holes
Forging a friendship
ENJOYING a sip of an alcoholic beverage in an Edinburgh hostelry, reader Sheila Davis overheard two ladies in deep conference at a nearby table.
Said one to the other: 'She's what I call an AI person.'
'What d'you mean?' asked her confused companion.
'You know,' said the first lady. 'Totally fake.'
Dead cruel
AN unholy confession from reader Roddy Ferguson, who says: 'If my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral, she'd be rolling over in her ditch.'
World affairs
INTERNATIONAL diplomacy is sadly in short supply nowadays. Though we are delighted to report that there are still some enclaves of sophisticated statecraft, in the Glasgow suburb of Bearsden, no less. Reader Brian Clark and his wife were at a dinner party in that delightful neck of the woods the other evening.
After the food had been duly scoffed, the chap of the house stood up and said to his guests: 'Let me take you to the United Nations.'
'What?' said a confused Brian.
'Come on,' continued mine host, 'it's in my living room.'
Brian's confusion immediately evaporated upon being guided to the room in question, where he was, indeed, confronted by a fully operational UN.
A well-stocked drinks cabinet containing... German beer, French wine and Scotch whisky.
Candy-coated crash-out
THE working world can be harsh. Peter Wright from West Kilbride says: 'I was fired from my very first job as a quality controller at M&M's. I kept rejecting the Ws.'

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Grade-school math sum leaves people scratching their heads... can you solve the simple problem in 30 seconds?

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Powys County Times

9 hours ago

• Powys County Times

The Battle of Pilleth regaled upon 623rd anniversary

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Daily Mirror

a day ago

• Daily Mirror

Lavender thrives and 'will thank you' if you add 2 things to garden soil now

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