Let Ed Sheeran's humiliation be a lesson to buskers everywhere
For a couple of years in the early Noughties, my working life was rendered hellish by a bagpiping busker. His favoured pitch was outside Dickens and Jones on Regent Street, while my office was diagonally across the street. There are few things as moving as the haunting sound of lone pipes at a Scottish wedding, or funeral, or on Burns Night. And no caterwaul is more unwelcome when you're trying to concentrate on the day's tasks. My then boss – a scion of Clan Maclean – once threatened to have the miscreant served up as Haggis.
But by far the most annoying buskers are those who believe they're Adele or Ed Sheeran. So, I have great sympathy for the Indian police who moved on an Ed Sheeran impersonator in Bengaluru this week, only to discover he was actually… Ed Sheeran. You can see how that happened. There is something unmistakably busker-esque about Sheeran. He's exactly the kind of guitar-mad, nice guy who stands down the tube belting out bland ballads, on repeat, until your brain melts and you throw yourself under a Central Line train.
The worst part of it is that, even as you hate the music, you can't ignore the busker's puppy-dog eyes, pleading for cash, adulation and an audition spot on the X Factor. Back in the days when I had small change, I was forever dishing it out to forlorn young men because they made me think of every self-indulgent musician I dated in my teens. One of my old boyfriends, circa 1987, had a new romantic band called President Reagan is Clever and wore floor-length duster-coats and guyliner, meaning he was constantly jeered at by skinheads and old rockers, so needed your sympathy and small change.
Now the whole busking transaction is rendered complicated by the fact that canny operators whip out card machines when you say you have no cash. The old tribute of 20p – or a whopping pound coin for being aurally harassed – looks dead mean when you flex your plastic. One friend felt so flustered in the heat of the moment she ended up giving an appalling saxophonist a fiver. (By the way, this is even more true at the end of CoE services when a steely-eyed female churchwarden waves her card machine at you on behalf of the organist.)
When you look at Westminster Council's busking rules, you appreciate that they're actually doing their level best to protect us from the most egregious performers. Their 'code of conduct' includes the stipulations of 'a full and varied repertoire that avoids repeating sounds, songs, or music', a useful prohibition against knives and fireworks, and that no performance should be longer than 40 minutes (hear that, Mr Bagpiper!).
You'll also be glad to know all councils have robust complaints procedures. I spent a diverting half hour looking at an online log of Westminster objections made 2019-20 (floating around on the interweb) and was entertained to note the House of Commons was being aggressively trolled by a rogue bagpiper, while January had seen 'extremely loud heavy metal at the Agatha Christie statue'. All in all, it seems in urban areas you're only ever ten steps away from a street performer gone rogue.
At least you expect this kind of behaviour from un-signed, impecunious musicians. But it's all a bit much when megastars like Sheeran start foisting their hits upon us, unsolicited. What next? Chris Martin mawkishly crooning 'Let Somebody Go' at King's Cross, while downtrodden commuters furiously think, 'Haven't National Rail found enough ways to torture us this week?' Pushed between a rock star and a cacophonous place, I'd maybe settle for the bagpipes.
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