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The 3 'toxic' phrases you should NEVER say to your partner
Sometimes it's hard to keep a cool head during an argument with your other half. But you really should be careful what you say in the heat of the moment. A psychologist has revealed the three phrases you should never utter to your partner as they can erode trust and invalidate the other person's emotions. Dr Jeffrey Bernstein, a psychologist and author, said you should avoid these remarks even if you're saying them in a bid to diffuse the situation. 'When we first meet, and during the embryonic stages of loving relationships, we tend to be on our best behaviour,' he said. 'Yet, way too often, over time, we let down our guard and allow ourselves to respond to our partners in ways that don't feel good.' If these phrases become patterns then most relationships are doomed to fail, the psychologist warned So, are you guilty of saying any of them to your partner? According to Dr Bernstein, the three phrases to avoid are 'You're overreacting', 'It's no big deal,' and 'You're too sensitive'. 'Even if you're trying to calm things down, such responses can feel dismissive and lead to your partner feeling judged,' he explained. Dr Bernstein, who is also a counsellor, described a previous example that involved a married couple. 'A few years ago, Lisa came to see me because she was struggling in her marriage with Aaron,' he explained. 'She said, "In the earlier days, Aaron would tell me he was crazy about me, but in the last couple of years, all he does is tell me I'm crazy when I try to talk to him about important things in our relationship".' Their relationship was over a few months later, he said. Other things like 'keeping score' – a mental tally of things like who apologised or initiated intimacy last – can also breed resentment and power struggles, he explained. And 'stonewalling' – shutting down and refusing to communicate – 'does not bode well for any relationship's future'. 'Relationships need mindful nurturing to ensure that they remain strong,' he said. 'The more you avoid dismissing feelings, keeping score, and stonewalling, the smoother the sailing will be in your relationship's future.' Dr Bernstein has published a book containing his advice called 'Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship'. Last month Dr Mark Travers, a different psychologist based in the US, revealed another phrase you should never say to your partner. 'There's one phrase I've seen come up in these exchanges that's more damaging than you think,' he said in a news piece for CNBC. 'If you use this toxic phrase, your relationship is in trouble.' According to the expert, the phrase is: 'Why can't you be more like [insert other person's name]?' When your boyfriend, for example, has uttered it, they'll be comparing you with their ex-girlfriend, their friend, their mother, or even a version of yourself from the past. Dr Travers calls this the 'death-by-comparison' effect – as it's an obvious indication that your relationship is in trouble or on its last legs. WHAT TACTICS DO PEOPLE USE TO STOP THEMSELVES CHEATING? Researchers at the University of New Brunswick asked 362 heterosexual adults how they had staved off temptations to cheat while in a relationship. 1. 'Relationship enhancement' Seventy-five per cent of the study's respondents, who were aged between 19 and 63, selected 'relationship enhancement' as their primary tactic. This ploy included things like taking their partner on a date, making an extra effort with their appearance around them, or having more sex with them. 2. 'Proactive avoidance' The second most-popular was 'proactive avoidance', which involved maintaining distance from the temptation. As well as physically avoiding the temptation, people also avoided getting close in conversation with that person. 3. 'Derogation of the temptation' The third and final tactic used by people was 'derogation of the temptation', which involved feelings of guilt, and thinking about the tempting person in a negative light. Participants reported flirting less when they applied the final, 'derogation of the temptation' strategy. But none of the strategies had an effect on the levels of romantic infidelity, sexual infidelity, and whether the relationship survived. Psychologist Dr Alex Fradera, who was not involved in the research, said the findings show little can be done once feelings of temptation have crept in.
