Findlay gives first minister the Victor Meldrew treatment
People often find it hard to believe that Richard Wilson was just 53 when he took on the role of Victor Meldrew in One Foot in the Grave. Indeed, he was at first reluctant to take on the part because he did not consider himself remotely old enough to do it justice.
Coincidentally, Russell Findlay is the same age as Wilson was when he first played Britain's favourite permanently-exasperated pensioner. Like Victor, the leader of the Scottish Conservative and Unionist Party brings a heavy 'I don't believe it' vibe to the Holyrood chamber. It is one of his most endearing qualities. Each week, one wonders what will set him off next. It could be anything, frankly.
For — and there is no point in fannying about here — this is a target-rich environment. This week, it was new guidance issued to teachers on how they might henceforth deal with monstrously disruptive pupils. This, Findlay said, was 'exactly what you might expect from this ineffective government: 49 pages of tedious, hand-wringing nonsense'.
We were asked to believe that he deplores this but we all know that secretly Findlay loves it. The Tory leader is an Eeyore, never happier than when things are falling apart.
What, he wanted to know, is the first minister going to do about Scotland's burgeoning population of scrotes and nyaffs? Shouldn't he recognise that 'a tougher approach' to school discipline was required — the pillory, perhaps — rather than 'laminated cards and inclusive chats'? Do teachers need endless checklists and decision-making flowcharts and all the rest of the all-nonsense approach favoured by this hopelessly woke government? Isn't it time to get back to basics?
Well, the first minister said, 'it's always my priority to listen to the teaching profession.'
And this, you may think, could explain many of the problems long so evident in Scottish education. The politicians are listening to all the wrong people.
Moreover, Swinney added, 'if young people are unable to participate in their education they are unlikely to go on to good outcomes' and although exclusions must be part of the process, 'exclusions can have negative consequences for young people'.
Doubtless this is true, though unfortunately this did not address the salient point made by Findlay. Namely that 'a small minority of pupils prevent the majority from learning'.
Perhaps this explains why there were nearly 12,000 exclusions in 2022-23. Admittedly, the first minister said, this was fewer than had been the case in 2018-19. No one could quite agree if this was an impressively high number or a deplorably low one and consequently whether the falling number of exclusions was a good or a bad thing.
Still, the consequence of excluding children from school would be to let them loose on Scotland's streets, Swinney said — where they would doubtless run amok and provide Findlay with something else about which to complain.
Heads the government loses and tails the opposition wins. Quite so; those, after all, are the rules and this is one rare area in which we may expect the rules to be followed.
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