Your Inner Critic: 5 Steps To Take When It Gets Loud And Debilitating
Everyone has an inner critic, and when it pops up, it feels like it's us, but it isn't. There are ... More some tried-and-true steps you can take when that harsh voice paralyzes and debilitates you.
Do you hear voices in your head? Of course, you do. It's one of hundreds of things that separates humans from robots. If you're like most people, you have a relentless voice that lives in your head and rarely rests. Your inner critic puts you under the microscope, bludgeons you with criticism and tells you how worthless, selfish or inept you are. That kick-butt voice pops up like burnt toast with such lightning speed you probably don't even notice—eviscerating you with name-calling, discouragement and putdowns.
Chances are the voice says you can't, you should, ought to, have to or must. (Psychologists call it "musturbation'). The critic knows where to find you, no matter where you go. And it does when you're in a team meeting, working on a project or before a performance evaluation. It stalks you to your desk and whispers in your ear. It could be scolding you right now.
Listen closely. Do you hear it: 'No, that's not right! You don't know what you're doing! You're an imposter. You might as well give up! Who do you think you are?"
Burnt toast anyone?
Some experts call the harsh voice your 'lowercase self' and YOU the 'uppercase Self" with a capital 'S'—the one who hears the lowercase self. When the critic pops up, the first step is to remember that the harsh voice isn't you, and you don't have to live up to its demands. Then, take a breath, step back and let the uppercase YOU practice these five strategies so you can prevent the critic from sidetracking you and stay in your central command center:
1. Take the perspective of a detached observer. Imagine you're an observer of your inner critic and watch it from a distance like you would a blemish on your hand, listening to it with a curious, dispassionate ear as a part of you. Imagine someone scolding you over your cell phone, and you hold the phone away from your ear. In the same way, you can hold the critic's message at arm's length and listen to it from afar as a separate part from you, not all of you. A dispassionate ear gives you distance from the critic's voice and keeps you from identifying with it or attacking yourself.
2. Get curious instead of judgmental. Don't let your inner critic run roughshod over you. But by all means, avoid battling it. It's futile to fight, debate, argue, silence or steamroll over the harsh voice. It always has a comeback and always wins, plus you can't get rid of it. Getting curious, instead of judgmental, can create clarity and calm. When you let the critical voice come and go without fighting or personalizing it, it keeps you from believing the voice's made-up story. If you oppose or try to reason with it, you give it credence and, instead of streaming on through, it takes up residence.
3. Give your inner critic a name. Neuropsychotherapist, Britt Frank, author of Align Your Mind, told me that naming your inner voice with something like 'my Inner Perfectionist' or 'my Taskmaster' helps you take charge of it, instead of the voice taking charge of you. When I interviewed Arianna Huffington, CEO of Thrive Global, she told me she calls her critic, 'The Obnoxious Roommate' and Erin Brochovich told me in an interview that she calls her inner critic, 'Negative Nancy.' The value in giving your critic a name is that it concretizes something you cannot see, making it more tangible and allowing you to communicate with it as a separate part of you.
4. Talk to your inner critic as if it's a person. Frank suggests that when you hear a voice calling you an imposter or criticizing you, say to that voice, 'I hear you. I've got this. I'll take it from here' or say, 'Thank you, not shut up.' Even the harshest voice is trying to help, she explains. It's counterintuitive, but Frank points out that internal gratitude for the critic lowers the threat level. Dr. Ethan Kross, psychologist at the University of Michigan, breaks down the science of self-talk even further. His research shows that calling yourself by your name during silent conversations gives you psychological distance from the critic's egocentric 'I' perspective, disables stress before and after a challenging situation and allows a more objective story to emerge.
5. Practice self-compassion. Studies show when you come down hard on yourself after a misstep, rejection or a harsh review, it's like attacking the fire department when your house is on fire. It reduces your motivation and dilutes your chances of success. It's just as easy to affirm yourself with positive messages as it is to tear yourself down with negative ones. We all become proficient at what we practice on a regular basis. If you're stuck with a project or overloaded with work stress, try replacing the critical voice (from the lower-case self) with self-compassion (from the uppercase Self) each step of the way. Experts say self-compassion is a powerful resilient tool that stands up to harm. So put down your gavel and amp up your kinder, compassionate side. Positive affirmations function as 'cognitive expanders,' providing you a wider perspective to diffuse the inner critic's tunnel vision and transcend its negativity. Let your uppercase Self talk you off the ledge when your critical lower-case-self encourages you to jump.
The writer Patrick Califia once said, "When it comes to your inner critic, my advice is to not take advice from someone who doesn't like you. That's like returning to the perpetrator for healing after you've been abused.'
Painter Vincent Van Gogh echoed that sentiment, with 'If you hear a voice within you say, 'You cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.'
I'm no Van Gogh, but one thing I do know is when your inner critic calls you an imposter, you can harness it into a career asset. I say, when you hear the voice say you can't do something, then by all means stick your neck out and do it anyway. That voice will be silenced, and you will be surprised at how, in trying to keep you safe, it has held you back as you accomplish what you didn't think you could achieve.
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