Maintenance isn't sexy, but Farage on the other hand ...

There was an odd conjunction of stories in Thursday's papers as the European Space Agency declared its goal of establishing a 'plentiful habitat' for humans on Mars within 15 years, while the UK Government admitted that it had stopped trying to guess when trains will ever run on HS2, a project that began (check notes) 15 years ago.
Perhaps by 2040, the visions will merge and passengers in London will be able to buy plentiful Mars bars as they wait for a cancelled train.
But the past 15 years have not been wasted: they managed to move the departure boards at Euston and put them back again when people complained. One small step for man, one giant leap for Network Rail.
Despite Britain's recent track record, Darren Jones bounced into the Commons to announce a new 10-year plan for infrastructure.
It will cost £725 billion, so with the usual overshoot we can expect that to pass £2 trillion and involve three potholes being filled and a new light in the gents at Victoria.
Yet the chief secretary to the Treasury was full of aspiration and ambition. He is fond of alliteration and promised to go 'further and faster' and act more 'effectively and efficiently' than the Tories.
Tall, bespectacled, with a neatly parted hairstyle and a slightly unsettling grin (imagine him played by Mark Gatiss), Jones is not a man who lacks belief.
Asked by Jerome Mayhew, a Norfolk Tory, how he could be confident of delivering better value than the last Labour government got under PFI (private finance initiative), he merely replied: 'I am usually confident in my abilities.'
He is armed with a 'new online infrastructure pipeline' (not quite ready) and a new acronym: Nista, which stands for the National Infrastructure and Service Transformation Authority. I noted that it was formed on April Fool's Day.
'That's a very shiny title,' sneered John Cooper, Tory MP for Dumfries and Galloway, who said it would be met with an 'eye-rolling sigh'.
Jones replied that he had closed two bodies before creating it. 'So it's actually down one,' he said, flashing his fingers to show that he can count. A rare moment in infrastructure planning when a number falls.
As more attacks flew in from Welsh and Scottish MPs, who felt they weren't getting enough of the pie, the suave chief secretary showed a touch of exasperation.
'You might want to be a little more grateful,' Jones told David Chadwick, a Lib Dem from Brecon.
Generally, though, he was tiggerish, not only about building things but keeping them from falling down. 'Maintenance isn't sexy,' he said, 'but it's really important.' Maintaining a Labour government especially.
Speaking of sexy, Richard Tice had risen during the business statement earlier to cry 'phwoar' about his party leader.
This is the weekly session when MPs can ask for a debate on any topic under the sun and the Government will pretend (or not) that it cares. Its purpose is to generate tweets and press releases for MPs to send to their local papers about whatever is dominating their postbag.
The Skegness Standard will note, therefore, that of all the subjects that its Reform MP could have brought up, he chose Nigel Farage being named Britain's sexiest male politician in a poll for an infidelity dating website.
Tice asked Lucy Powell, the leader of the House, to join him in congratulating Farage on being the philanderers' pin-up and also Angela Rayner, who won the women's category.
'Does she recommend that they have dinner together?' he asked.
Powell pursed her lips and replied that, tempting offer though it was, she suspected that the Deputy Prime Minister would be washing her hair every night from here to eternity. There's more chance of getting a bypass built on time.

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