We hate each other but we can't afford to get divorced
If anyone knows of a three-bedroom flat in west London going for under £500 a month, I'd love to hear about it. Otherwise, I'm looking at a future of house-sharing with the husband I'm desperate to divorce. He's equally sick of me, but as it stands, we are trapped in our four-bed Victorian terrace together for the foreseeable.
The situation is miserable for us, and I'm certain it's equally stressful for our daughters.
I've been married to Sam, who works in the music industry, for 11 years. We've been separated for nearly eighteen months and, at 40 and 42, we're young enough to start again. But I can't imagine how I'd ever get a new relationship off the ground when my grumpy ex is cooking in the kitchen, or stomping about in the converted attic bedroom where he now sleeps.
Our marriage was always quite volatile, but when I was younger it seemed exciting and we both enjoyed the passionate making-up after the rows. But once we had the girls, that kind of relationship began to seem childish and damaging for them to witness. I realised quite quickly though that Sam didn't want to change. He was wedded to the idea of himself as 'exciting' and was terrified of domesticity and 'settling down'. As a result, he still wanted to go out most nights while I was exhausted from juggling young children and working part-time, and didn't want to spend my 30s racketing around dodgy pubs watching rock bands.
Things came to a head post-pandemic. We were already struggling financially, and it wasn't viable to pay for full-time childcare as I earned less than it would cost. Sam didn't work during lockdown at all and, after that, Brexit badly affected the touring music industry and his income dropped. He wouldn't even consider looking for another job, and we argued constantly about money and his immature attitude. In the end, we agreed we'd come to the end of the road and very sadly decided to separate. Sam was going to move out to a nearby flat that the girls (who are now aged eight and 10) could visit regularly, but that dream died when we looked at rental prices.
With our mortgage, there's no spare money. If we divorce and sell the house, we'll lose thousands in legal fees, and we'll both be left struggling to afford two tiny flats. Plus, we have damp we've not been able to afford to fix so we'd have to drop the price. It's much better for the girls to stay in their current home rather than living in a studio flat over a kebab shop. Sadly, Sam's parents aren't around, my dad's long gone, and my mum lives in a small flat in Derbyshire, so family support isn't an option.
I know the girls like having us both here, although at weekends we do things separately with them – I'll take them swimming, or he'll drive them to dance class. They know we aren't 'together', and that Dad sleeps in the spare room, though we try hard to be civil and pleasant to each other when they're around. But on the days when I'm home, I find his presence very oppressive – he'll leave his stuff all over the kitchen, as if he's marking his territory, or he'll be in his room listening to new bands at ear-splitting volume. I'm too tired of it all to row with him, but I long to have some space of my own.
We generally cook separately – I'll eat with the girls, then he'll grab something before he goes out to a gig, or if he's in, he'll take his dinner to watch TV while I read or work on the laptop. Sometimes we'll watch something as a family, but as soon as the girls are in bed, it feels too weird to continue watching TV as if we're still a couple. Very rarely, we'll cook and eat together with the kids, but when we do, all the conversation is directed at them.
As for friends, we've always had largely separate groups, so I'll have a friend over while he's out, and he'll meet his mates in the pub. We were never 'dinner party people' with 'couple friends', so we've not had that awkwardness at least.
But the fact remains – I don't love Sam any more, and I hate living with him. Our situation is a constant reminder of everything that was wrong with our relationship. I think he's indifferent to me, and I feel like a single parent with an extra teenager thumping around. I'd like to try dating, but I can't imagine what men would think about my living arrangements, particularly as there's no end in sight.
Friends have suggested leaving London and moving up North where property is cheaper, but my job (as a fashion buyer) is here, Sam's work is here, and I won't take the girls away from their dad – plus, they're happy at school, stable at home, and neither of us wants to subject them to a marital split, huge house move and change of school.
For now, we're stuck muddling along, biting our tongues and trying to pretend our ridiculous set-up is manageable. I know it isn't feasible long term, but right now, I don't have a plan. Perhaps in a year or two, one will emerge. For all our sakes, I hope so.
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