The worst things that can happen to you as a New Zealander, ranked
Chris Bishop was told to 'shut up you dickhead' by Don McGlashan. But how does that compare to being called an egg by Judy Bailey or driving Jason Gunn to profanity?
National minister Chris Bishop's night at the Aotearoa Music Awards started off so well. He grinned on the red carpet in a Fur Patrol T-shirt. He partook in some free refreshments. He escaped being booed by the hordes of pinko artists swarming the Viaduct Events Centre thanks to Jesse Mulligan sandwiching his name between Jenny Salesa's and Kahurangi Carter's during the introductions.
He would have got away unscathed if it wasn't for Stan Walker and his pesky flags. The singer brought out banners reading Toitū te Tiriti during his rendition of 'Māori Ki Te Ao'. During the performance, the minister was caught on video saying, 'What a load of crap', and something about 'performative acclaim'. Reports vary on why he was so upset. But one thing's for certain: his negative review caught the ear of The Mutton Birds lead singer and venerated musical elder statesman Don McGlashan, who turned around and said 'ah, shut up you dickhead'.
The moment appears to have instantly short-circuited Bishop's brain. 'I could say the same to you,' he retorted, confusingly. It's possible the minister was knocked off balance by the sheer magnitude of what had just taken place. Being told to 'shut up you dickhead' by Don McGlashan is the kind of thing that only happens in nightmares. Bishop must have felt like he was back in the aftermath of the 2020 general election, when he received the vision of hell.
The exchange has sparked a national debate. Should cabinet ministers be allowed to give their opinions on official business? Should you wear a Fur Patrol T-shirt while saying things Fur Patrol hates? But most importantly, is being told to 'shut up you dickhead' by Don McGlashan the worst thing that could happen to you as a New Zealander? Some commentators believe so.
But do those commentators have turnips where their brains should be? The only way to find out is by scientifically assessing every horrendous potential Kiwi trauma and ranking them in order.
10. The Topp Twins exhorting a crowd to tell you to 'fuck off'
Mike Hosking went through all the stages of grief after Lynda and Jools Topp led a chant of 'fuck off Mike Hosking, we have the power' during a protest at parliament over RNZ stripping back Concert FM. 'What the hell's that about?' he asked. 'What have I got to do with Concert FM?' Classic denial. Next, anger and bargaining. 'Do they have queen's honours? What I am going to do today is start a petition to have their queen's honours stripped from them for behaviour unbecoming to royalty,' he resolved. From there the Newstalk ZB host lapsed into depression, clicking on a blog post from Lindsay Perigo. Finally came acceptance, with Hosking conceding that chanting 'fuck Mike Hosking' is actually fun. 'I know what I'm doing this Saturday night.'
9. Being called an egg by Judy Bailey
There is no evidence of Judy Bailey (nee Mother of the Nation) calling anyone an egg. To assert she's called people eggs would put you in danger of defamation action. However, if she did, hypothetically, call someone an egg, it would inflict an emotional toll so high that person would likely have to lather themself in Kiwi onion dip and retire to a monastic life at the Tui Brewery.
8. A former prime minister telling the current prime minister to tell you to shut up
7. Saying something so sexist the soon-to-be prime minister rebukes you on live TV
When Mark Richardson arrived for his shift at The AM Show on August 2, 2017, he had almost every job in New Zealand media. He was the host of The Block NZ. He was on the radio. The Project. The cricket. Then he proceeded to say employers 'need to know' whether the women they're hiring plan to get pregnant. 'No, no, no,' intoned his despairing co-host. 'You,' said the new Labour leader, fixing him with a point and look so stern Richardson must have thought she was going to put him into lockdown three years early. 'It is totally unacceptable in 2017 to say that women should have to answer that question in the workplace. That is unacceptable in 2017.'
Richardson is now an investment adviser.
6. Getting shoved by Sir Richard Hadlee
This really happened to Black Caps supporter and The Spinoff production editor, Calum Henderson. It left a lifelong scar. 'It was near the end of a one day international at Carisbrook, he had post-match presentations to make and I was in his way,' he explains. 'Now that I think about it, being shoved by such a godlike figure as a child could be the source of my low self-esteem.'
5. Being called a drongo by Sam Neill
There is no evidence of Sam Neill calling anyone an drongo. To assert that he's called someone a drongo would put you in danger of being murdered and fed to his pigs. But being called a drongo by Sam Neill would be almost as terrible as being murdered and fed to Sam Neill's pigs.
4. Writing a Facebook post so bad it makes Jason Gunn say 'shit'
It's almost impossible to make Jason Gunn mad but Laraine found a way.
3. Being told to 'shut up you dickhead' by Don McGlashan
'Shut up you dickhead' is one of the worst things you can say to a New Zealander. First, it implies the person on the receiving end purposely drew attention to themselves – a cultural faux pas roughly equivalent to smearing Marmite on a croissant in the middle of the Avenue des Champs-Élysées. But worse, what they were saying wasn't even that good. Having this phrase levelled at you by a random drunk? Bad. By Don McGlashan? Sir, will you serve as my second?
2. Being called a c*nt by Suzy Cato
There is no evidence that Suzy Cato has ever called someone a c*nt. To say she's called someone a c*nt would put you in danger of being fed into a blender while the Suzy's World host sings 'see ya, see ya later, it's time to say goodbye'. Cato's friend, Auckland councillor Richard Hills, says she would be physically incapable of calling someone a c*nt. In fact, Hills made me star the word c*nt because Cato would be 'shocked' seeing it in print. I've honoured that request as nothing fills me with more dread than the possibility of Suzy Cato thinking I'm a cunt.
1. Dave Dobbyn failing to get the Big Fresh animatronic fruit and veges into Te Papa for you
You know what isn't a slice of heaven? Having a dream of getting the Big Fresh animatronic fruit and veges into Te Papa, convincing Dave Dobbyn to help you achieve that dream, and still somehow failing. This actually happened to someone I know, and it inflicted such trauma they're still writing about it in the third person because describing it in the first person would be to accept that the events actually took place. Look, you can see the moment his heart breaks.
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