Carolyn Hax: Why can't sister-in-law just take their mother's advice in stride?
Dear Carolyn: You mentioned the importance of people feeling heard and what a difference it can make. I agree, but I'm a constant witness to my sister-in-law, 'Jane,' not extending that kindness to my mom.
My mom is a super homemaker; no one cooks or cleans like her. She knows that, so she tends to offer advice. It can be a little annoying but also completely harmless and well-meaning.
When she does it to me, I always say her way sounds better and agree to give it a try. To her credit, she never points out that I rarely follow through; she's happy if I just agree with her.
After a recent holiday, she offered suggestions to Jane about the dinner. If you're wondering why not my brother instead, it's because if it had been up to him, we'd have had takeout on paper plates. Later, she did offer him a suggestion about how he was washing dishes, which he handled like I do.
The things my mom said to Jane weren't mean or malicious, and it wouldn't have taken any effort for Jane to agree that the tablecloth would have looked better if it had been ironed, that the salad vegetables were a little underdone, that loose tea is better than bags.
But my sister-in-law answers as if she said something else. Like when my mom said the tablecloth needed to be ironed, Jane said, 'Yes, we got that in France. Isn't it lovely?' It's weird and hurtful.
My brother said he thinks Jane's way is 'clever,' but it's not to my mom. She even talked on the way home about how Jane ignores and 'talks down to' her. Can I try discussing this with Jane, since she is not the sort to be deliberately hurtful?
— Constant Witness
Constant Witness: An hour in this kitchen, and you'd witness me smashing crockery.
Jane is a saint.
Not just because of the oh-no-we-are-NOT-doing-this gaslight job you did with the storytelling.
But let's talk about that: Since Jane prepared a holiday dinner for her husband's family on her own initiative, clearly, can we agree she undertook a lot of labor for love? Then your mom thanks her with three criticisms that couldn't hope to get any pettier.
Oh. My. Floofing. Dog.
You call them 'suggestions' that are, oh kayyy, 'a little annoying'! But 'completely harmless, 'well-meaning'! and 'weren't mean or malicious.'
!!!
To nitpick your daughter-in-law's holiday hosting is dictionary mean in a few senses — not to get all definey on you.
Do you know what is actually 'completely' without harm?
'Thank you for a lovely dinner.'
It's also 100 percent annoyance-free, requiring no multi-paragraph contortionist interpretive dancing by hyper-compliant grown children, because it's kind on its face.
You are a constant witness to your mother not extending that kindness to Jane. Flatly withholding.
What is the point of homemaking, an honorable and important purpose, if not warmth? And support. Yet you see Jane as problematic because she won't join your group lie propping up the queen of this preening dysfunction.
Part of my urge to smash things is that I know, I know, there's a heart here somewhere that's trying to find the right place. Through all the eerie over-justified homemaker-matriarch reverence is a vibe that you're protective of your mother. Like, everyone needs to be in on this performative awe at her expertise, and Jane's refusal to simper along puts a fragile person at risk.
Whatever the motivation, your response to Mom's deathless faultfinding unsolicited corrections is a disingenuous 'Your way sounds better, I'll try it,' then seamlessly ignoring her — and I couldn't ask for a better example in the wild of talking down to someone. So, whew. Thank you for that.
It is not 'hearing' your mother. It's humoring her. It's buying (lying) your way out of the hard work of honest communication.
This means a couple of things. For one, minor, it means you owe it to Jane to be a whole lot less upset with her. I recommend non-upset. While you're talking down to your mother, she's merely talking past your mother's left elbow, a survival tactic she probably whipped up to keep from throwing crockery herself. (Or she got it from me, since I've advised it before.) You and your brother had lifetimes, remember, to learn how to absorb un! re! len! ting! disapproval from a mother who, I'm guessing, finds love-love too vulnerable.
Next, major: It means recognizing this whole humor-Mother act is, in fact, an elaborately workshopped emotional survival tactic. It's not some effortless courtesy gesture.
Following the good-intentions idea, I'll posit that your mom is in her own protective shell. She may have found perfectionism safer than emotional intimacy.
What your family is protecting itself from, that's too far offstage for me to see. (Maybe not for you and a therapist.) I just see performance where honest connection could be.
In a truth-telling family, for example, you'd respond to Mom in the car: 'I wouldn't want to hear what I did wrong after cooking all day. To bond with Jane, try, 'I'm so grateful [Son] found you.''
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My 2 kids and I are living with my parents before moving to Chicago. I'm learning asking for support isn't a weakness.
My husband and I lived with my parents when we had our first kid, and now, I live with them again. He started a new job in Chicago, and our two kids and I are living with them before we join him. I'm learning that it's not a weakness to ask for support, as they help me with coparenting tasks. This spring, I moved back in with my parents. Again. The first time was early in the pandemic, when my daughter was a newborn and the world felt like a terrifying science experiment. We had been living in Brooklyn, and when the hospital barred partners from delivery rooms, we started calling doctors, midwives, anyone who might deliver our baby in the rural town in New Jersey where my parents live. Nobody was interested: it was a pandemic. Finally, my mom begged her own doctor, who said yes. True New Yorkers, we didn't have a car. My dad picked us up in his little red one, which we packed the car with diapers, onesies, and our desperate hopes. We thought we'd stay for two weeks. We stayed for five months. That time was a blur of fear, early parenthood fog, and endless coffee, made every morning by my dad, who claims this is the secret to my parents' 40-year marriage. We walked the baby in loops around the neighborhood, discovering a covered bridge across the river and a nature path that looped around the local playground. We watched old movies. I yelled at my dad for finishing a jigsaw puzzle we were supposed to do together. It was chaos. It was unexpectedly sweet. It was our version of making it work. Now I'm back, but this time I have two kids, ages 3 and 5. My husband recently started a new job in Chicago, and while we search for a home and finish the school year, the kids and I are here in New Jersey with my mom and dad. I braced myself for stress. For tight quarters, intergenerational friction, the awkwardness of not really having my own kitchen. (Why are there three opened jars of Dijon mustard in the fridge? Who knows? Not me.) I was preparing for the grind of solo parenting without the solo space. But what I got instead surprised me: a crash course in co-parenting. A soft, sometimes messy, always helpful reminder that parenting doesn't have to be a two-person — or one-person — job. My mom makes lunches and snacks and champions the "car bagel" every school morning. She helps with laundry and is always ready to distract a cranky kid with a game of Chutes & Ladders, a hunk of cheddar, or both. My dad reads bedtime stories in his big, cozy voice. He's taken over bike lessons — my daughter is almost ready to try to ride training-wheel free — and has become fluent in the nuanced language of playground drama. ("No, Zadie, Sammy is the one with the orange shorts. The other one is mean.") There's something both vulnerable and liberating about relinquishing control. About letting other grown-ups take the reins without needing everything to be done my way. It's not just logistical help (though, wow, it's amazing to take a shower without three interruptions). It's emotional support. It's feeling like I'm not parenting in a vacuum. My parents aren't perfect. Neither am I. But somehow, in this full house of Goldfish crumbs and "Moana" many times over, we've landed on a rhythm that works. It turns out, "the village" doesn't have to be a mythical concept or a Pinterest fantasy. Sometimes it's just your parents down the hall, quietly loading the dishwasher while you collapse onto the couch. I've learned that letting people help is an act of trust. That asking for support isn't weakness — it's resilience. That family can look like a lot of things: one big house, three generations, and a nightly debate about who tucks in and who checks in with a kiss five minutes later (not four, not six). In a few weeks, we'll move into our new life in Chicago. I'll miss the unexpected closeness of this time. The way my kids light up when they (plus their stuffy sidekicks) see their grandparents first thing in the morning. The way my dad makes me coffee, even when I forget to ask. This season has been exhausting and beautiful and loud. It's reminded me that parenting, at its best, is never a solo act. It's a chorus — sometimes off-key, often out of sync, but somehow perfectly imperfect. Read the original article on Business Insider
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19 Employees Reveal The Jaw-Dropping Moments A Toxic Coworker Made The Entire Office Go SILENT, And These Are An HR NIGHTMARE
No matter where one works or what kind of job they have, there's always that ONE coworker who makes everything, well, awful. Whether they're nosy, obnoxious, or simply rude, they constantly ruin the mood of the entire office... That's why when Redditor u/MommaOnHeels143 asked, "What's something a toxic coworker did that made the whole office go silent?" thousands of people shared stories about their unhinged coworkers who left the entire office bewildered. Here are 19 of their most jaw-dropping stories: If you've ever dealt with a toxic coworker who left the entire office speechless, you can tell us about it anonymously using this form. Content warning: Death, weight-shaming, animal abuse, firearm usage, and misogyny. 1."I started my career at a federal agency and worked with a guy who was just weird. He did all kinds of unhinged stuff, but the thing that shook the whole office was an email he sent out one morning..." "Evidently, he had been dating another employee in a different division of the agency, but they broke up, so he sent an email to around 200 coworkers with the subject line: 'Please Respect Our Privacy.' He then rattled off three pages of narrative explaining every detail of his relationship with this woman who broke up with him, and concluded with 'So we will no longer be getting married.' I will never forget the morning that email went out. The entire office went silent for five minutes — no typing, no phone calls, no small talk, just a bunch of people trying to wrap their heads around what they had just read. Nobody knew they were dating, and nobody cared they broke up; it was never going to become a topic of office conversation until he brought it to everybody's attention in the weirdest way possible. Then, to make matters worse, the woman he had been dating found out and said, 'Married? We went out five times!' Somehow, this guy thought casual dating was a guaranteed path to marriage, and that he had to announce to everyone that the 'marriage' was off. So f*cking weird." —[deleted] 2."One morning, we were in the women's bathroom when a co-worker walked in after her extended maternity leave. Everyone greeted her and asked her how her baby was doing. She smiled at first, but as soon as we mentioned her baby, her face fell, and she went pale before telling us it had died." "Before anyone could say anything, one of our coworkers told her, 'My baby is gorgeous, she's four months old and laughs beautifully.'" —u/mischiefkar28 3."The head of HR was judgmental about nearly everything, but especially people's weight and eating habits. She hated potlucks in particular because there would be so much food. Once, when we held a potluck for a holiday, she came down to examine all the food options..." "She then sent an office-wide email with the calorie count on everything at the potluck to inform us of how many thousands of calories we'd be consuming that day, and spent the rest of the day sulking in her cubicle. She did lots of other crappy stuff, but this one angered a lot of people and ultimately led to the boss telling her to back off and let everyone enjoy their lunch." —u/spider_speller 4."I once had a coworker whom I didn't speak to often because we had different jobs, but I still thought we were on friendly terms as we had gotten coffee together a few times..." "One day, both of us came into work wearing the exact SAME green shirt with a slight cutout near the neck. One of our male colleagues joked that we were twins and asked if we had gone shopping together. This wasn't in great taste, but I laughed and said 'Great minds think alike.' What my coworker did next caused everyone in the office to go quiet: She. LOST. HER. SH*T. She started accusing me of copying her, and claimed I always tried to be 'exactly like her' by stalking her when she went to get coffee, etc. Everyone went silent, and I just sat in my chair and cried. She apologized a week later with a letter and a necklace, but I never talked to her again. My contract was up two months later, and I was glad to get out of there." —u/Geekygreeneyes 5."This happened about seven years ago on the anniversary of 9/11: I work in one of New York's neighboring states, and my coworkers and I were talking about 9/11 when I mentioned that my dad, who works in Manhattan, was there when it happened." "A problematic coworker casually said she didn't understand why 9/11 was made out to be such a big deal since people die every day anyway. My coworkers and I were so perplexed by her comment that we just walked away. It wasn't worth it to argue with someone who thinks like that." —u/breebree934 Related: "That Sentence Sat In My Head For Months": Men Are Revealing The Most Hurtful Things A Woman Can Say To Them, And It's Actually Fascinating 6."Our new boss called a full staff meeting to introduce herself. She kicked things off with an icebreaker game: everyone says their name, where they were born, and a fun fact about themselves." "She went first, and her fun fact about herself was that as a child, she hugged her cat to death. The room was totally silent as we all realized that we worked for a sociopath. To this day, I am more disturbed by the choice to tell that as a funny anecdote than the story itself. She went on to be exactly as toxic as you'd think." —u/bjr0che 7."A first-year principal who was definitely not a people person absolutely botched the end-of-year celebration at our school. Normally, we had a slideshow that honored those leaving and those retiring..." "She presented a basic slide, rapidly named everyone leaving, and said, 'Thank you for your service.' Then clicked to the next slide for the sole person retiring. This beloved woman had worked in the district her entire adult life, but the slide was blank with only her name on it. It had other boxes that said 'Achievements,' 'Plans for Retirement,' 'Pictures,' 'Funny Memories,' but they were all blank. The new principal said, 'Oh, whoops…anyway, thanks for your service,' wrapped up the meeting, and immediately walked to her office. The whole celebration, which normally takes 20 minutes, took maybe three. You could have heard a pin drop. The first sound was made by a teacher who started hysterically crying because she felt so bad for the retiring teacher." —u/SinfullySinless 8."One of our coworkers carried his shotgun into our cubicles, racked it, and asked, 'Which one of you is first?'" "He claimed he was 'joking,' so the owners of the company let him get away with it." —u/REALtumbisturdler 9."I work in IT for a site that sells products. Once, there was a messed-up account that had somehow assigned the account ID to multiple different names and emails." "We were all trying to fix it when a 56-year-old male coworker shouted on the recorded call, 'Oh, I see why this account is broken...A woman made it!' It was silence. I asked him to explain his 'joke' and he crumbled like a granola bar." —u/kejky93 Related: People Are Sharing How What Happened In Vegas Did NOT Stay In Vegas, And This Should Be A Lesson To Never Go To A Bachelor/Bachelorette Party There 10."One of our managers was a total a-hole; the kind of manager who sets unreasonably high standards and then openly berates people who couldn't live up to them while threatening jobs and questioning competence. However, when her child and husband passed away in a tragic accident, we all felt terrible for her." "The day before the accident, she deservedly wrote up a guy for a major screw-up. When we were talking about her tragedy at lunchtime, the guy who received the write-up said she deserved it for being such a b*tch. We all hated her, but her child and husband were innocent, and no matter how much of an a-hole she was, she didn't deserve that. After that comment, no one really wanted to hang out with him, and he eventually left while complaining that everyone hated him. When you make the whole office side with the a-hole boss over you, you went too far." —u/ThePeasantKingM 11."I work at a school and one of my coworkers dumped a student who has both Down syndrome and autism out of a chair and said, 'Act normal!'" "One of the teachers ran to the student to aid them, and I stepped outside the room and called the admin. There was silence from everyone. To this day, he denies any wrongdoing. I believe he thinks he is innocent and a skilled professional working with people with disabilities, even though he was so much worse than that one situation. It's sad that it took a student getting physically hurt for the admin and the board to make a move. He had already been transferred for grabbing a student's wrist at another school. He is likely still employed and working somewhere else, though. It's infuriating." —u/Dailia- 12."My office used to take on externs from a local medical billing school. One was assigned to my cubicle section and she was A LOT to deal with — there had already been complaints about her behavior." "One of the women who also sat in my section was a nursing mom, and she had hung a curtain up at her cube to close when she was pumping (this was before pumping rooms were required). Her pump made a noise that wasn't loud, but you could still hear it. One day, I heard the extern ask, 'What's that noise?' Quickly followed by the sound of the curtain opening and my coworker screaming. It all happened so fast, I couldn't warn either one of them. The extern was dismissed that afternoon." —u/JuanaBlanca 13."One day, we all heard a guy who was hired to work on a trading desk start to argue with his trainer. The trainer asserted himself, and the trainee (on his third day) stood up, started shouting, and pushed papers and supplies off his desk. The entire floor went silent and watched as he was fired and escorted out." "I later discovered the trainee had been given a company-sponsored credit card to pay for moving expenses that would be reimbursed. The paperwork emphasized that the card's owner was responsible for the bill, not the company. It seems he didn't read that and went straight from his firing to an electronics shop to buy thousands of dollars in film, stereo, and TV equipment, which he claimed he needed for work. The joke was on him when he got the bill. We found out because he refused to pay the bill and stated the company would pay it. The company refused and stuck him with it. After multiple incidents of attempted fraud like this, the credit card program was ended. The number of attempts to fraudulently charge personal items to the company FAR exceeded everyone's expectations." —u/InterruptingChicken1 14."About 15 years ago, I was working in telecom. At a staff meeting, the project manager was telling us to put our time off requests in for the holidays, so he said to my coworker, 'When is Black Christmas this year? Do you need off for that?'" "She blinked a few times and answered, 'What? Black Christmas?' He replied, 'Yeah, isn't it near Christmas but different every year?' She said, 'Do you mean Kwanzaa? I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.' He was pleased she didn't need extra time off while the rest of us cringed from the inside out." —u/Time_Ocean 15."My sister-in-law, who was in her 20s, was dying of heart failure over the course of a few weeks, however, my boss didn't like that I wasn't answering his texts on a SATURDAY, so on Monday, in a team meeting, he told me to 'Just put a pillow over her head and get it over with.'" "There were three seconds of silence, but being construction workers, all of my coworkers started laughing afterwards." —u/Pale-Upstairs7777 16."I have a story that actually involved me: With my job, I work away from home for weeks at a time, and during the pandemic, I was classified as an essential worker, so I didn't have any restrictions." "I had been away from home for over 12 weeks. For the last two of those, I was working at a site, completing all the required urgent scopes, and counting the days until I got to see my kids because I had a cut-off date. The site supervisor asked if I could slip in one more job, but told me it was okay if I couldn't. I let him know that it wasn't possible since it would take longer than we had, but he was cool about it and told me he would get it deferred. The day I was preparing to fly out, the site manager was there listing tasks and said to me, 'You'll do that vessel scope this week,' and I told him that wasn't possible because I was flying out. He told me I had to stay because he had promised the client it would be done. I insisted and told him that I would NOT be doing it because I hadn't seen my kids in 12 weeks, and I was leaving regardless. His response was: 'Well, maybe you shouldn't have had kids.' The whole room of 24 guys went dead silent and looked at each other before I said 'How about you f*ck off?' and stormed out the door. I heard my coworkers directing a fair amount of verbal abuse towards him before the supervisor came out, apologized to me, and said he had no idea the manager was going to do that. About 30 minutes later, the manager himself called me in for a meeting to grovel, claiming that he thought he was making a joke and should have read the situation better since everyone had been away from their families for so long." —u/psiren66 17."I didn't work in an office but at an electronics retailer. We had a big team meeting coming up, and the manager bought a Nintendo Wii (which had been recently released) on his own time and with his own money. He designated it as a fundraiser prize, with all the proceeds going to the local food bank." "One coworker had been bragging about his success with selling stuff online. When the fundraiser was announced, he wasn't interested, so the rest of us bought a few raffle tickets at $1 each, talking about the different Wii games we wanted to try. On the day of the drawing, the 'entrepreneurial' coworker suddenly got very interested and bought $50 of tickets on his own, ten times more than most other employees. His name was drawn, and he accepted the console from the manager, then announced, 'This will be listed online in a couple of hours.' He tried to use a charitable event to turn a profit. We were all stunned into silence. Fortunately, the manager talked to him and explained why that was a bad idea. A few weeks later, he said he'd given it to his nephew instead." —u/HawaiianShirtsOR 18."Back in the day, I ran the phone board for a mid-priced hotel. Most of my coworkers were amazing, with the exception of a security guard who loved to show off his gun and twirl it around his index finger. He also drank on the job and bragged about cheating on his girlfriend with various guests in their hotel rooms, which was VERY much against hotel policy." "One night, this guard came down to warn me that there was a bat in the hallway near the pool and gave me a heads up that the hotel guests might be calling down to the front desk to complain about gunfire because he was going to shoot the bat. By the time the front desk finished gaping, we managed to come to our senses and stop him. He was escorted out by management soon after that, and was apparently blacklisted by the hotel chain. Our other security guard was relieved that he was let go. As for the bat, I grabbed a cardboard board out of an old tabletop game we kept in the lobby for guests and an empty garbage can, went upstairs, caught it, and let it loose in the parking garage near the exit so it could fly off once night fell." —u/NoeTellusom 19."I had a colleague with anger issues, I'll call him 'Angerman,' and another colleague, whom I'll call Vicky. Vicky was the only person in her department due to a freakish string of others leaving. This meant that although she was experienced in her area, she wasn't caught up on our team's particular workflows. At that time, we were a start-up with around 15 members total..." "One day, Vicky dared to ask Angerman politely, but publicly, for an update on his project. His desk was in the corner and he turned around to face the rest of the office before screaming: 'For F*CK'S sake Vicky, if you just use your eyes and find the link, you can check on updates yourself! Do you want me to come click it for you? Want me to hold your hand, so we can find the link with our eyes, and then use our hands to click it? Do you want me to read it to you as well? Like a bedtime story? Does Vicky want a widdle bedtime story for lunch?' He turned around again to face his screen and muttered something I don't remember. There was dead silence in the office — no typing, no clicking, nothing. Vicky somehow held it together for a few minutes before saying she was grabbing coffee for anyone who wanted one. I went with her to 'help carry them' and let her know that it wasn't his first outburst. It was his WORST, but she did nothing wrong. I believe Angerman got a slap on the wrist, not even a formal warning. He was talented at what he did, and I think he got away with a lot because of it. Vicky chose to message him in the future, but I still wonder if he had the same kind of outbursts via text." —u/WalkingSilentz Did any of these stories surprise you? Have you ever dealt with a toxic coworker who did something shocking? Tell us in the comments or answer anonymously using the form below! Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity. 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I Use the 3-Hour Rule to Stay Organized, and It's a Total Game-Changer
This article may contain affiliate links that Yahoo and/or the publisher may receive a commission from if you buy a product or service through those links. Hosting large gatherings can seem overwhelming — especially when you're not sure where to begin. Do you clean before or after putting up decorations? And when should you start setting up? I'm someone who tends to overthink the timing of tasks and when they need to be completed. Fortunately, I've found a method that's really worked for me. I came up with the 'three-hour rule,' which is simply a process where I work backwards three hours from when my guests are expected to arrive. This practice gives me a cushion to get everything done, whether it's completing an errand or finding an outfit. Plus, it ensures that I don't feel anxious before the event and allows me to handle any last-minute challenges with ease. After experiencing the stress of last-minute preparations one too many times, I knew I needed to find a solution. I reflected on how the day typically goes when I'm hosting an event, which led me to think about how I managed my time. I realized that I naturally prepare three hours in advance, so I made this a non-negotiable rule moving forward. Here's how the three-hour rule can play out. If your guests are expected to arrive at 6 p.m., then you'll start preparing at 3 p.m. Based on what needs to be done, you can do whatever within that three-hour time frame. On a day where I have an event at 6 p.m., I will begin to prepare at 3 p.m. I start by finishing small tasks like setting up decorations. I'll also make sure that I have everything I need for the event by asking myself questions like, 'Did I buy the plates?' and 'Is there enough cheese and wine?' If the answer is no, I still have time to run out and grab anything I need. After this is done, I'll start to get dressed around 4:30 p.m. I know that it usually takes an hour for me to get ready, so being dressed by 5:30 the earliest is perfect in the event someone decides to show up on time (there's always one person!). By 5:45, I am all set and ready for guests to arrive. With this new routine, I don't feel anxious. I have everything I need and am able to successfully enjoy the evening. Before implementing this method I would normally lie around, thinking I had time all day to get ready, and then before I knew it 5 p.m. would roll around and I'd be panicking about when to begin to get ready. However, now that I know that I need an hour to get dressed and ready to go, I can have that time set instead of it cutting into my prep time. With this new method, I feel prepared. Because I'm essentially dividing my time up to focus on mini tasks, I can have a clear structure and finish everything in advance. This has become a game-changer for me, and it's helped me approach any event with confidence, knowing that I've given myself enough time to get everything done smoothly. I'll definitely be using it this holiday you end up using it, let me know in the comments how it worked for post originally appeared on Apartment Therapy. See it there: I Use the 3-Hour Rule to Stay Organized When Hosting (It's a Total Game-Changer!) We Asked 3 Chefs to Name the Best Ice Cream, and They All Said the Same Thing Do Water Filters Really Work — And Which Ones Are the Best? Ball Just Dropped the Most Beautiful Mason Jars for Its 140th Anniversary ("So Iconic!") Sign up for The Kitchn's Daily newsletter to receive our best recipes, posts, and shopping tips in your inbox.
