Shop Like a Supervillian
By Chris Haslam and Jeremy White Villainous characters often have devilishly good taste. Put these tools to better use in your own lair. Photographs: Shutterstock; products courtesy of the brands
All products featured on WIRED are independently selected by our editors. However, we may receive compensation from retailers and/or from purchases of products through these links.
Face it: Being bad feels pretty good sometimes. Who amongst us hasn't wanted to enjoy the spoils of a ne'er-do-well's criminal enterprises? Should you desire those things and be able to acquire them without doing all the crimes, WIRED has prepared a little shopping list for you. If you've ever craved a kitchen worthy of Hannibal Lecter, a stereo perfect for Hans Gruber, boots befitting Darth Vader, a chair perfect for Doctor Doom, or a toy box The Joker would be envious of, you've come to the right place.
Dry Ager
While Buffalo Bill liked to 'store' his victims for later in the bottom of a well, Hannibal generally preferred to dig in right then and there (just ask Paul Krendler). But when he demands the most tender possible cuts for his guests, we expect only dry aging will do. This high-class meat store combines ancient dry-aging methods with state-of-the-art humidity-controlled technology to take the effort, risk, and odor from hanging meats, all from a plug-and-go appliance. The result is a blackened steak with thick crust—but cut away the exterior and you'll be rewarded with the most tender, buttery piece of meat imaginable. Price on request.
Dragon Riot
Whether you're looking to spatchcock a chicken, debone a carcass, or neatly remove your own polydactyly finger, these poultry shears will effortlessly cut through gristle and bone. With non-slip micro-serrated German stainless steel blades they're easy to wield, the non-slip ergonomic grip and lockable blades prevent unwanted accidents, and while they're dishwasher safe, keep in mind that blood stains are easier to remove with cold water.
Bialetti
WIRED is fully aware that Mads Mikkelsen's Lecter used a gloriously expensive $22,000 Royal Coffee Maker. Sadly, it doesn't come in red, so here's a beautifully simple, hugely effective stovetop espresso maker from alternative coffee royalty Bialetti. It works just like the classic Moka Express, but the collector is replaced by a plate with room enough for two espresso cups. Although in Lecter's kitchen, you're doing well if you make it past dessert…
Riedel
If you've gone to the trouble of cooking liver and fava beans, that nice chianti had better be aired to perfection. Launched in 2006 to celebrate the 250th anniversary of both Riedel and Mozart, this hand-blown decanter is shaped like a lyre—a lute-style stringed instrument—and pours deliciously. Handmade using the finest clear crystal glass, it holds a single bottle of wine within a curved shape that helps to naturally capture any sediment without the need to add filtration.
Wüsthof
Dr. Lecter enjoyed the versatility of his unserrated Spyderco Harpy knife, but when the guests arrive he's going to want something a little less murderous on the kitchen counter. Now available in a red wine-inspired shade of Tasty Sumac, this classic knife set and oiled ash block from Wüsthof features riveted handles, full-forged stainless steel blades with a Rockwell Hardness Scale rating of 58, and classic precision-cut focused blade grind-angle of 29 degrees.
Sirman
When you 'prefer to eat the rude' nothing prepares them for the plate as elegantly as this 132-pound example of flesh-slicing perfection. Sirman's polished and painted aluminium manual flywheel slicer has a 12-inch blade and patented motion system that has no visible mechanical parts, while its double-articulating arm holds your victim cured meat securely in place. It's easy to clean, disassembles without the need for tools and, despite the retro aesthetic, is an all-modern design for demanding, precision butchery.
Pro-Ject $999
Turntable Lab (Pre-order)
Few people realise that the $640 million in negotiable bearer bonds Hans so desperately wanted was needed to fund his vinyl addiction. It's a financial pain analog enthusiasts know only too well, but turntable stalwarts Pro-Ject have at least found a way to keep, and restore, a priceless collection. This dedicated vinyl-flattening machine features two 12-inch sized hot plates that heat and press any precious-but-warped long players back into shape. It maintains a temperature of 136.4°F (58°C) and gently irons out those unwanted wobbles.
écoute
In 1988, George Michael's album Faith ruled the US charts, but something tells us Hans Gruber wasn't about to be whistling 'I want your sex' in a Nakatomi Plaza elevator. It's classical all the way—'Ode to Joy' in this case—and to make the most of Beethoven's final symphony, he'll be wanting a pair of headphones with a rich, traditional playback. These stylish ANC-enabled hybrid Bluetooth cans feature the latest voice control and digital wizardry, but sonic duties are handled deftly through a built-in vacuum tube preamp that offers traditional analog warmth and rich midrange.
Vicoustic
With Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 3. on heavy rotation—that and a proclivity for semi-automatic weapons—Gruber's tastefully decorated apartment would benefit from a little audio control. This bi-dimensional diffusion panel provides audio multi-reflection on both vertical and horizontal planes, and works especially well on mid and high frequencies, helping to enhance musical definition. Each panel measures 23.4 x 23.4 x 5.8 inches and can be installed easily by any blond henchman.
T+A $10,780
House of Stereo (Turntable) $18,880
House of Stereo (Receiver)
Hailing from precision German audio engineers T+A, we consider this slick setup the perfect cold-steel color-match for Hans' (and Arafat's) John Phillips suit. The belt-driven turntable has an MC-2 moving coil cartridge and a crystal-controlled synchronous motor for exceptional stability, while the decidedly retro-modern all-in-one features a precision CD drive, FM/DAB/internet radio, a 25-watts-per-channel AB amplifier, and comprehensive G3 streamer with native DSD playback and a quadruple PCM DAC with eight 32-bit Burr-Brown chips, ensuring exceptional sound quality.
Cassina $7,030
Design Within Reach
As an iconic Euro Villain, Hans Gruber's choice of chair would be of equally high standing, and as utterly uncompromising as the man himself. Designed by Le Corbusier, Pierre Jeanneret, and Charlotte Perriand in 1928, the LC2 Armchair combines generously proportioned cushions and a tubular chrome frame to create an instantly recognizable piece of furniture. Shown here in classic black Scozia leather, the chair is said to embody the principles of rationalism, which rather aptly deal with order, structure, proportionality, and symmetry, while rejecting unnecessary detail or overly emotional design. That's so Hans!
Transparent
Weighing a hefty 26.5 pounds and standing at more than 23 inches tall, this Brutalist architecture-inspired speaker is made from 70 percent post-consumer recycled aluminum. Inside, there's a 6.5-inch side-mounted woofer and dual 3-inch tweeters, placed rather strikingly at elevated 90-degree angles. It's a bold audio offering, but with up to 24-bit/192-kHz hi-res, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth 5.3, AirPlay 2, Tidal Connect, and Spotify support it would have made the perfect farewell gift for Hans, when he was kindly asked to leave Volksfrei, his old West German terrorist group.
Alpacka
Bouncing down rapids in a 5.5-pound inflatable packraft might not compare to a 'dance with the devil in the pale moonlight,' but if he needs a distraction from taunting Batman, maybe the Joker could take a paddle. We're not sure if Gotham River has any white water, but at least he'll be prepared with this nylon-hulled craft designed for beginner and intermediate paddlers and rated for up to Class III waters. And, even if he does fall out, the self-bailer automatically drains any water that gets in, so he won't need to come ashore. Price varies.
The Joker loves his razor-sharp playing cards, acid flowers, and cyanide pies—but he secretly craves just a few of Batman's toys. Now he can join in the wall-scaling fun with the Grapnel Launcher, which can shoot a rope and grappling hook up to 115 feet, or 53 feet with a rope ladder. This device for first responders isn't sold to the public, so he'll have to pull some strings. Price on request.
When you really need to get a message out of Arkham Asylum and you can't find a convict willing to have a phone stitched inside them, try a drone like the virtually uncrashable DJI Mavic 3. The Joker can dress up his stock quadcopter with a set of laser-cut, color-matched, UV-resistant, and goo-free stickers from iStyles.
Muc-Off
When the Joker isn't filling balloons with Smylex, he should use this palm-size, battery-powered pump that can bring any inflatable up to 100 psi in seconds.
If the Joker wants to enter another surfing contest, he should wear Sharkbanz. The battery-free wearable uses magnets to confuse a shark's sensitivity to electric fields, making them swim away.
Rolls-Royce
Let's just call this 'Vapour Violet' beauty what it is: the Jokermobile. Rolls-Royce raided its toy box for this highly exclusive version of its Spectre EV, adding light-up grilles and number plates, a dark-finish interior, and—Joker's favorite—a boost button on the steering wheel. Price on request.
Cult
What sport would a fiercely intelligent maniacal lunatic lean toward? With its mix of adrenaline, speed, and high probability of bruising your nether regions, BMX would seem a natural fit. This top-tier ride from Cult Devotion has been designed for street, freestyle, and park riding, and it features a classic cassette hub for direct power transfer. It also has a classic fast-stopping 990 U-Brake—not that Joker would ever use it.
Waiting For Ideas
When Victor von Doom regales his cloned grandkids with tales of narrow defeat at the hands of the Fantastic Four, he'll have swapped his throne for the gentle rocking of this precision-engineered, all-aluminum design. Created by Jean-Baptiste Anotin for his Paris-based studio Waiting For Ideas, the sharp lines and tight curves were inspired by the speed and aerodynamics of Formula 1, which sits beautifully at odds with a product designed to move so gently. It's the perfect combination of sculptural, practical, and threatening.
Rolex
This year's watch releases held good news for Victor Von Doom, as Rolex decided to go green with its GMT Master-II, and any worthwhile designs on ruling humanity with an iron fist naturally requires perfect timing on the wrist. The upgraded case material, now in white gold, befits Doom's status, of course, but the real Doom boon is the new green dial made of Cerachrom, Rolex's own patented ceramic alloy, that perfectly matches the bezel made from the same material. The bi-tone bezel, incidentally, is the key to keeping track of dastardly deeds in two different time zones simultaneously. Meanwhile, a 70-hour power reserve should help keep even the best-laid plans from falling foul—and no, your eyes do not deceive you, this is a lefty (though righties are welcome).
Stone Espresso
Nobody can be expected to tackle the complexities of the Multiverse without a decent coffee, and while the idea of Doom sitting down for breakfast feels farcical, deftly extracting the perfect two ounces of espresso feels on-brand, and this small-but-mighty coffee machine fits the bill brilliantly. It has zero plastic parts and is just 14 inches tall, but still weighs a solid 45 pounds. Temperature is accurately controlled with a 6.6-pound solid brass group head and PID (Proportional-Integral-Derivative) heating system which, unlike traditional thermostats, constantly monitors and adjusts the heat, maintaining the ideal temperature with greater precision and stability.
Ferm Living
Made from plate aluminum, rather than the nuclear-powered titanium used in Doom's battle armor, this carry-all trolley from Danish homeware deities Ferm Living blends the industrially sculptural with a blast of Brutalism. Useful as a bar cart (although Lager translates as 'warehouse,' rather than anything beer-related), side table, or arcane gauntlet storage device, it's 27 pounds of uncompromising design.
iFi Audio
One imagines that full titanium headgear ( curse you, Richards!!! ) plays havoc with a Bluetooth connection, so traditional wired headphones are the order of the day for Doom. And to make the most of his high-resolution playlists, he's going to need a dedicated amplifier. The iFi Audio iCAN Phantom is built to cope with the sonic demands of the most sensitive and difficult-to-run headphones. As such it can deliver 15,000mW at 16Ω and 640V for electrostatic models and, in a novel twist, the listener can switch between solid-state and tube modes to find the perfect tone.
Porsche
From e-bikes and dental chairs, to door handles and basins, Porsche's design division has a habit of elevating the everyday, and nowhere is this more evident than with this elegant gaming monitor. Borrowing design elements from the Porsche 911 S 2.4 Targa, the 49-inch, 5K resolution QHD-OLED display has a seriously quick 240Hz refresh rate, 1,000-nit brightness, and 1,800R curvature for full immersion. And, when Victor puts down the controller, the USB-C connectivity and hub means it can transition seamlessly back to the daily grind of world domination.
Iquinix
Machined from aluminum, this hot-swappable retro-style Bluetooth keyboard is a world away from cheap plastic clickety-clack options (which no doubt abound in Four Freedoms Plaza). It uses a desktop-space-saving 65 percent layout, but still squeezes in Bluetooth 5.1, Wireless 2.4GHz, and USB-C connectivity, meaning you can switch between up to three (doomsday) devices with ease. Available for Windows, macOS, iOS and Android, it even comes in Doom's signature green.
Chasseur
What they don't tell you on Wookieepedia is that while Anakin Skywalker grew an impressive six inches by becoming Darth Vader, his shoe size remained the same. Sadly, Anakin's favorite black boots met the same fiery fate as his legs on Mustafar, but at least we've found him the perfect replacements. These handcrafted, leather-lined wellies come with a full-length side zip and eight separate calf fittings for a near-bespoke fit. The Chamolux rubber is all-natural too, and the in- and outsoles offer protection and cushioning for all the miles clocked up marching around the Death Star. There's even a neoprene-lined version for those chilly trips to Hoth.
Avolt
When the Power of the Dark Side doesn't quite reach far enough, we recommend the Avolt Square 1, possibly the most Star Wars-looking gadget on this list. Available in EU, US, and UK plug configurations—the Tatooine version is still TBC—it is the most beautifully minimalist multi-socket extension lead you'll find, and comes with a generous 5.9-foot cord and two USB-C ports, each supporting 30W fast charging.
Kartell
Even the most morally conflicted Jedi Knight needs decent storage options, and this classic by Italian designer Anna Castelli Ferrieri for Kartell ticks all his black boxes. First launched in 1967, it is made from glossy ABS plastic for a seam-free aesthetic, and is available in two, three, and four-compartment configurations. And no, before you ask, it's not the same plastic used to make that iconic helmet, because everyone knows that is an alloy composed of durasteel, plasteel, and obsidian. But, you know, it looks pretty close…
LG
George Lucas has provided differing origin stories to how the name "Darth Vader" originated, but he has mentioned the phrase "Dark Water" as inspiration. Which, by coincidence, is precisely what he'd get if he put that filthy cloak in the wash. This suitably obsidian appliance can blitz through an 11-pound load in just 39 minutes and, thanks to its use of steam, 99.99 percent of allergens are removed and creases reduced by 30 percent. It's Wi-Fi enabled too, and the AI Wash cycle can adjust the motion of the drum depending on the fabric. New and troublesome stains, meanwhile, can be custom-cleaned by downloading upgraded wash-cycle data.
Gridy
Despite being on the site of a Dark Side locus and just a stone's throw from where Obi-Wan left him for dead, Fortress Vader is surprisingly homely. Yes, it's a towering display of evil, but look closer and you might just spot a 3PO droid giving it a quick once-around with the Northern Cane magnetic broom set. Designed by studio Gridy, the powder-coated steel dustpan has a level front edge that maintains close contact with the floor, while the waist-height handle makes sweeping up lava dust a breeze.
Dreame
While primarily used to guide Stormtroopers around the half-finished corridors of the Death Star, the MSE-6 series 'Mouse' droid was also capable of repairs and even domestic chores. It's no match for the new X50 Dreame—though sadly for US readers, this class-leading next-generation self-cleaning robotic vacuum and mop isn't yet available in the States. It uses the latest 360-degree DToF (Direct Time of Flight) LIDAR-style navigation to avoid Imperial clutter, and the new ProLean system can lift the unit high enough to clear doors, steps and dividers up to 2.36 inches high. It can even reduce its height to just 3.5 inches, for a quick scooch under your low furniture, and can even search the house for your pets while you're away, and transmit a live feed to your smartphone.
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