Real paneer, fake news, and what the Mahatma never said
Twinkle Khanna aka Mrs Funnybones crafts satirical stories and funny fables when she is not running a design business, selling candles or running in circles around her small but rather odd family. She narrowly escaped a gruesome tragedy when Bollywood tried to bludgeon her brain to the size of a pea, but she ducked at the right moment and escaped miraculously unharmed; she is now a popular columnist as well and is currently in the process of creating lame jokes like ' Why do all Hindu boys worship their mother? Because their religion tells them to worship the cow.' She firmly believes that nothing in life is sacred except laughter. (Not even her name, which she is secretly trying to change to Chetali Bhagat so that her columns get made into movies.) LESS ... MORE
8am My sister calls, and we make up after our recent quarrel. In the midst of Operation Sindoor, I had urged her to come to Mumbai until things settled down. 'Delhi could be high up on the target list,' I told her, 'I don't have a bunker, but the building has a large basement. I also have two Godrej cupboards we can use as fortifications. Don't worry about food. I have stocked two months of rations, and the best part is that I have even bought a large stainless steel paneer maker.'
She interrupted me, 'To use as a shield?'
'No, to make homemade paneer for us.' I explained that the fake paneer epidemic is somewhat concerning, and the food minister has already written to our health minister J P Nadda about it. 'Just bring your kids and come quickly.''To eat paneer,' she asked.
'No, to be safe from Pakistani missiles.'My sister refused my kind offer. She lives within one kilometre of the PM's residence and claimed she felt safer there than hunkering down in the basement with me.
This really is a case of ghar ki murgi daal barabar. However, perhaps this only applies to chicken and not ghar ka paneer.
11am After the recent re-release of 'Sanam Teri Kasam', I have been listening to the songs on repeat. While browsing Spotify, I realised actor Mawra Hocane had been edited out from the album cover. Further digging reveals that other Pakistani actors like Fawad Khan and Mahira Khan have been similarly erased from their online posters. Not wanting to be left behind in doing my duty as a good citizen, I propose that we get all of Abida Parveen and Farida Khanum's songs redubbed by our very own Dhinchak Pooja. That will really teach the Pakistanis a lesson.
Photo: Illustration by Chad Crowe (USA)
1.30pm The girls in our office usually have a dabba debate at lunch where there are discussions about the perils of parwal and the tragedy of tindli in the tiffin. These last few days it's all been about the Rafale versus the F-16 and Israeli tech compared to Chinese drones because now we are all combat experts and defence strategists.
I am, of course, in the throes of another heated debate with my mother over the phone. In her house, one litre of milk yields 250 gm of paneer. In mine, we get 180 gm. To her, this isn't a matter of bovine output but maternal failure. Clearly, I am running my household poorly, and the proof lies in my 70-gm paneer shortfall.
3pm Social media erupts with stories of Imran Khan's death, and then they claim he is alive. Even Jesus had to wait three days to be resurrected, but Imran bhai has done it in a day and a half. This is not the only instance of fake news in recent times. Some news outlets reported that India had captured Islamabad. Then there was a nuclear leak when we apparently bombed Pakistan's Kirana Hills. Both claims were later refuted.
I am baffled. I can test paneer with an iodine solution — but what is the litmus test for the truth?
5pm I come across a flurry of tweets and I call the man of the house and start arguing. 'I just read that you are fighting with Vicky Kaushal over who gets to make a movie on Operation Sindoor.' He sighs and says, 'It's fake news and my leg is on fire, so I will call you later.'
He really should devise better excuses if he just wants to hang up.
6.15pm On the family WhatsApp group, my uncle posts a warning. A Pakistani-made malware called 'Dance of Hillary' is targeting Indian users via WhatsApp, Facebook, and email. It steals banking details and passwords. I ask him for a credible source, and he shares links to posts from the handles of Punjab police. A quick Google search reveals it's a fabricated story, yet it managed to deceive the Punjab police. Too tired to debate with my uncle, I reply on the chat with a folded hand emoji.
7.30pm The man of the house arrives with a bandage on his calf. Apparently, his leg was truly on fire for a scene. Nowadays, it is so difficult to figure out what is true that I look at every piece of information suspiciously. It was also quite difficult to believe how our foreign secretary Vikram Misri was being trolled after he announced a pause in the near-war.
At the initial briefing of Operation Sindoor, the foreign secretary seated between Wing Commander Vyomika Singh and Colonel Sofiya Qureshi made for a powerful image. It made Indians feel united, proud, and reassured. Women, particularly, felt seen and represented in a country where we are often placed in a secondary position. To have a member of the same panel threatened by trolls raging for war was disheartening. For all the armchair warriors with their flickering screens goading them to frenzied states, often with manufactured and exaggerated news, war turns into yet another video of explosions and noise. At a distance. They forget, or choose to forget, that war is synonymous with loss. Lives lost at the frontline. Fleeing communities losing their homes. Health and education budgets losing out to defence budgets. Herbert Hoover once said, 'Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die.'
It's a relief that our older leaders are wise enough to exercise restraint.
9pm After dinner, I check to see the latest news and am immediately hit by a barrage of manufactured reports. 'Bangladesh closes Airspace to India.' 'Pakistani and Chinese troops celebrate victory.'
Gandhi ji once said, 'Fake paneer messes with your stomach and fake news with your mind, both are equally toxic.'
All right, he didn't say it, but when everyone is passing off fiction as fact, I thought I should give it a shot as well.
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