How To Show Up For Your Employees Without Becoming Their Therapist
It's my outlet for every negative thing
Remember the days when work was work and personal life was personal and never the two shall meet? Those days are long gone, and in fact, that was never reality anyway.
Effective leaders now understand that employees don't park their humanity at the office door when they come to work. True leadership is about empowering your team to perform—and that means understanding what makes each person tick. Patrick Morrissey, CEO of Altify and a former client, shared in a video interview, "You ideally build a diverse team and then figure out what makes them different and unique, so you can put them in situations that allow them to bring their best to the organization, the team and themselves.'
While building a personal connection with employees has always been important to loyalty and engagement, conversations at work have become more intense than in the past. Previously off-limit topics, such as mental health, are now talked about more openly, which is a good thing.
'Personal fulfillment has become much more of a topic and something that's open in general conversation,'says Steve Hartman, advisor and former client who has held senior executive and c-suite roles at eBay, Eddie Bauer and Urban Outfitters, in a video interview. 'It's broken down a number of work life boundaries that have existed before.'
In his view, this can offer a better way to increase buy-in and engagement, and can be more rewarding as well for leaders who can connect to employees but still maintain boundaries.
"The pandemic crystallized the need for strategic HR and the fragility of the human experience,' Gianna Driver, advisor and former chief human resources officer of Lattice and Exabeam, shared in an interview. "We're living in a world where leaders have to honor the humanity that makes employees people and also lead through a time of continued, rapid-scale change.'
Various studies show that empathy boosts performance, engagement and innovation, not to mention retention and loyalty. Just one example: A Catalyst study compared results between employees who stated their leaders are highly empathic - defined by this study as 'a leader who demonstrates, care, concern, and understanding for employee's life circumstances' - versus those whose leaders are not.
The findings show that those with empathic leaders are more engaged (67% versus 24%), are able to be more innovative (61% versus 13%) at work and can better balance work priorities with personal obligations (86% versus 60%).
But what does that empathetic leadership look like in practice? And where do you draw the line?
Are leaders now expected to be therapists? Definitely not.
Leadership strategist Lianne Davey, New York Times bestselling author of You First: Inspire Your Team to Grow Up, Get Along, and Get Stuff Done and The Good Fight: Use Productive Conflict to Get Your Team and Organization Back on Track, writes:
'It's not your role to try to provide psychological assistance or to be ready to lead your employee through a session of cognitive-behavioral therapy. You're not trained for that, and even if you were, there are some lines that are worth keeping in the workplace.'
In fact, empathetic leadership and professional therapy are two very different things. Learning who someone is, what motivates them and how to be a good listener does not even come close to therapy.
According to a phone interview with psychotherapist Dr. Adam Dorsay, author of Superpsyched and host of the Superpsyched podcast, 'Professional therapy goals are patient-defined rather than performance-defined, and it's a very singular relationship. I am someone's therapist, and we are nothing else to each other to avoid a conflict of interest.'
We should not confuse making an emotional connection and caring about how personal issues impact performance with licensed therapy. So, how can a leader discern the line between empathetic support that motivates individuals and creates a healthy environment, and getting sucked into uncomfortable situations they are not equipped for?
Leaders are there to deliver results and work toward a particular organizational mission. They are there to mentor future leaders, foster innovation, and creatively problem-solve to meet objectives. Within that scope, there is room for personal connection and empathy.
Tracy Eiler, chief marketing officer of OpenSesame and co-founder of Women in Revenue, leans on empathy to create high-performing teams; it's how she grew up as the oldest of seven children, learning to take care of a diverse group with different needs and personalities. While she makes intentional efforts to get to know her team and provide whatever support they need, she is crystal clear on the job she is there to do. And it is not to be their therapist. It is to drive growth and performance.
'As leaders, we can hold our teams accountable and still be encouraging. I find my own performance responds so much better to encouragement than the fear that so many executives seem to lean on,' she wrote in an email interview. 'But being encouraging doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't tell someone, 'your skills aren't strong enough' or 'I need you to learn to be more succinct when speaking with leadership.''
It's important for leaders to be patient, listen, and show empathy but to be very clear on what employees are accountable for. Beyond connecting and engaging at a personal level, leaders owe it to their teams and organizations to help their teams understand that, with mutual accountability, everyone can play their part to get things done.
'The litmus test for me is when empathy for one team member causes me to be unempathetic to the rest of the team, and distracts from the overall job at hand,' offers Hartman.
He shared a situation where a team member's mother was in hospice, and despite support, the work was slipping and negatively impacting everyone else. "That's where you need to get HR involved and figure out how to move forward rather than solve this by simply being an empathetic manager.' Speaking of which…
Your HR team is not there just to push benefits paperwork. They should be equipped and trained to help you handle tough people scenarios. 'I've found that throughout my career, it's been very helpful to have a strong relationship with our head of HR,' says Hartman, 'and not just calling them only when there's an issue, but talking openly about how the organization is doing, getting their feedback from what they're hearing.'
Creating that relationship makes it easier to get them involved when the stakes are high. You need to know when it's time to bring in more experienced support after encouraging and listening to your employee. Hartman suggests saying something like, "Hey, I really appreciate you sharing this with me. But I think this might be bigger than just you and me working on it. We might be able to get more support and help from HR or our employee assistance program.'
Experienced HR leaders can coach you through delicate situations outside of your expertise. For example, Driver shared she has been in situations with employees going through a gender transition, and the leader had no idea how to support their direct report. "The leader came to HR, and we coached her in how to engage with her direct report, provide the employee support during the transition and also connect the employee with external resources and a support group for people with gender dysphoria going through a transition,' Driver said.
Remember, you are also human. Driver encourages, "When balancing performance with support, we may not have all the answers or be right all the time. It's okay. Be clear about what you're hearing the person say, and if you feel this is an area beyond your level of comfort or experience, it's okay to let the person know you're listening and, as much as you'd like to help, that's not your area of expertise and you'd like to engage with HR to help them further.'
Understand the line where empathetic leadership crosses into something outside of your expertise. When that line is blurry, many leaders get overwhelmed and flustered. Prepare yourself by understanding exactly what your company offers—employee assistance programs, resource groups, mental health benefits, paid leave—and how to access them. This puts you in a better position to first listen and then guide employees to resources better equipped to help them.
Eiler shares that one of the downsides of her "big sister' style is that she will often hear about very personal things—everything from spousal conflicts to infertility to terminal illness with a family member, even domestic violence. In those situations, she advises leaders to always listen, check in on their support network, make sure they know of all the benefits available to them through the company and encourage time off.
'I think the key is my job is to 'action' the situation, not just listen. Do I still worry about them? Yes. Am I super tuned in to non-verbals and team vibe? Yes. But do I feel overwhelmed? No. It's real life,' she says.
You can action situations without getting pulled in beyond your own abilities by checking in with employees and not taking on all the burdens yourself, but directing them to available resources.
If your company has a gap in what it is able to offer employees, Driver suggests crowdsourcing a list of external resources, whether they are online, free or paid, and posting them on an intranet or internal wiki. AI can he helpful here, to sit on top of your systems and pull in the latest offerings in your community or industry.
We are all humans, even at work. And that means sometimes having big feelings that just come out. Leaders can prepare in advance for those moments to better handle them with grace and respect.
If you're faced with something unexpected, it's perfectly acceptable to take a pause and reset. Perhaps you asked someone for a simple status update and suddenly, they are breaking down, sharing that a client acted inappropriately with them. Take a breath, listen and if you need to, take a time-out.
Patrick Morrissey, CEO of Altify, advises, 'Acknowledge their concern and say, 'Hang on. There's obviously something here that's a bigger thing. Let's go back and start from the beginning.'
You can address the concern to allow the employee to feel heard and then perhaps book immediate time to follow up, particularly if you think you might need to remediate a dispute, create an action plan or bring in additional HR support.
Morrissey continued, 'I think trying to get into action mode, saying immediately we're going to do this, and it's going to be fine, potentially makes the situation a lot worse. Particularly if you don't understand what you're dealing with.'
Create a ritual in advance to deal with difficult conversations. 'I've had employees completely melt down emotionally with me, crying so hard they can't catch their breath,' says Eiler. 'When we were in office, I intentionally kept tissues on my desk. I would shut the door or move to a quiet location, ensure they were safe, give them time to compose themselves, and encourage them to go home early. Usually, that's all the person needs to get themselves together enough to go on with their day. But not always. I rely on my HR business partners heavily. As leaders, the more we can involve our people teams in the emotional health of our teams, the better.'
Being an empathetic, people-focused leader requires care, intention and preparation to handle difficult situations. No one is asking you to become a licensed therapist. Your mandate as a leader is to drive growth by supporting your employees, or find them the appropriate support so they can thrive.
As Hartman, a huge sports fan, shared, 'This is the recipe behind creating championship-winning teams. So if you don't have the time to do it, you need to look at where you're spending your time.'
The most important asset you have in your business is your people. As Morrissey points out, Ïn many organizations, the single biggest expense you have when you look at your profit and loss is your people.' In fact, labor costs can account for as much as 70% of total business costs according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. Morrissey continues, 'So you have both a cost and risk analysis to the business, but that is really secondary to having an obligation to everybody you work with to try to help them be successful—particularly in certain examples when they are feeling unsafe at work or at home and they share this with you—that is non-optional. You have to do something. Regardless of whether it's your job.'
When your people feel seen, heard, and valued, they will go the extra mile. When everyone is connected, they're pulling the oars in the same direction, each owning their role and working at an extremely high level. That's an investment every leader should want to make.
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