Low Life: The Spectator columns of Jeremy Clarke

To mark the second anniversary of the death of Jeremy Clarke – one of the Spectator's most loved writers – we've compiled some of his Low Life columns, as read by Jeremy in 2016, for this special episode of Spectator Out Loud.
Included in this compilation are: New Man (00:42); Virgin (5:16); Debauchery Competition (9:32); Buddhism (14:12); The Beach (18:58); and, Memory (23:40).
Read by Jeremy Clarke, with an introduction from William Moore.
Produced by Patrick Gibbons.

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Clarkson's Farm star worried about being 'out of a job' after major decision

Jeremy Clarkson has admitted a major decision he made about the future of Clarkson's Farm has left a key member of staff worried they're 'out of a job'. The former Top Gear presenter, 65, has been leading the Amazon Prime Video farming series ever since its debut in 2021 – running for four seasons now. Clarkson's Farm focuses on daily events at the TV host's Diddly Squat farm in the Cotswolds, giving an inside view into the state of farming in modern Britain. One of the TV show's rising stars, Kaleb Cooper, was already working on the Chipping Norton farm before Jeremy took over, and has stayed on ever since. However, Jeremy's decision to invest in a driverless tractor has left the 26-year-old farm hand worried that he'll be 'out of a job' in the near future. Explaining his choice, the former BBC host said that leaving the tractor to get on with drilling and rolling the fields will give him and Kaleb more time to do other jobs. In The Times, he said: 'It normally takes 20 hours with a three-metre cultivator to prepare the 200 acres we use every year for growing pasta and lager. 'And then it takes about 10 hours to plant the actual seeds. That's 30 hours of me just sitting there, in a bouncy tractor, going up and down endlessly. 'I miss bits. I cock up turns and corners. An autonomous tractor would not make mistakes like this and it would not get bored. It doesn't need to stop for a wee and it does not need to sleep. He continued: 'Kaleb hates it. He says it'll put him out of a job. [But] I've pointed out – he could turn up at someone's farm, set it off, and then go to someone else's farm with his normal tractor and get paid twice.' It's natural for Kaleb to be worried considering the Clarkson's Farm series has seen him go from earning 50p an hour on some days, due to the unpredictable nature of farming, to becoming a millionaire. In 2022, he revealed: 'I was working for myself. It's like a little bit of a new business idea that I'm doing, buying calves in and then feed them on milk, which costs me about £200 a calf, then selling them at nine months. 'I'm trying to get a profit and see if it will work. I worked it out the other day, do you know how much my hourly rate is, how much I pay myself? 50p an hour.' However, Kaleb quickly got to work turning his screen time into more cash in his bank, first releasing a book titled The World According to Kaleb, which sold 150,000 copies. More Trending Two more books followed – Britain According to Kaleb: The Wonderful World of Country Life and Life According to Kaleb – before a UK tour got under way. His tactics were clearly working in 2024, as his company Kaleb Cooper Productions Ltd's 2024 annual filing hit £908,860 in cash and assets. That was an an increase of £242,000 from the previous year. His second firm Kaleb Cooper Holdings Ltd also has more than £46,000. View More » Watch Clarkson's Farm on Amazon Prime Video. Got a story? If you've got a celebrity story, video or pictures get in touch with the entertainment team by emailing us celebtips@ calling 020 3615 2145 or by visiting our Submit Stuff page – we'd love to hear from you. MORE: The 'best horror film of 2025' has arrived on Amazon Prime's Shudder MORE: Escape this weekend's heatwave to binge all 8 episodes of 'tear-jerking' Amazon Prime thriller MORE: 'I beat the system and proved I didn't need a TV licence'

Metro

a day ago

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Inside the New Zealand village ‘colonised' by Noel Edmonds ahead of documentary

Noel Edmonds has been accused of 'colonising' the New Zealand village that is now the subject of an ITV series. The 76-year-old former Deal Or No Deal presenter reportedly bought £30million worth of property in the Motueka Valley. Originally, the Mr Blobby star and his wife bought a five-bedroom home on an 11-hectare estate at Matakana, north of Auckland in 2021. But two years later they relocated to the rural Ngātīmoti village, which is home to just 2,500 people. After being accused of 'taking over' the quiet village after he was reportedly permitted to buy 12 houses and build a restaurant, shop and coffee house in his land – his journey has been captured in a six-part series on ITV. Despite his umbrella estate being called River Haven, various anonymous locals have been disgruntled with his reported 'colonisation' of their patch. Noel is fronting the new ITV series called Noel Edmonds' Kiwi Adventure – which follows his life working on a farm alongside his wife Liz. In the series it is explained that the pair were inspired to move to the country after visiting following his exit from the Australian jungle during his stint on the popular reality show in 2018. Noel is quoted by the Daily Star newspaper's Hot TV column as saying: 'I was in Australia on I'm A Celebrity and I got voted out a bit quickly. 'As part of the arrangement, ITV organised for us to visit New Zealand. That trip cemented things for us. In 2019, we sold everything in the UK. 'We left Heathrow for rented accommodation in the UK, knowing absolutely no one. It was quite bold.' The former game show host has claimed that his new series is nothing like Jeremy Clarkson's hit show Clarkson's Farm. He told The Sun newspaper: 'When we were filming our show, some people who knew about Clarkson's Farm said to me, 'Oh, is it like Clarkson's Farm?' 'And I said, 'No, it couldn't be more different.' First of all, I'm not like Jeremy in many ways, though I wish I were. 'He's brilliant. He can articulate an argument beautifully and deliver a sharp, humorous line like no one else.' Edmonds has experience of farming after working in agriculture in Devon since the 1980s and praised Clarkson for showing the tough realities of the profession. Explaining the 'three things in particular' he admires about Clarkson's Farm, Noel said: 'First, the production values — the way it's made, the narrative structure — it's exceptional. Not contrived, but very well-constructed. 'Second, he's highlighted how mad our relationship is with public servants. Jeremy trying to get permission for a restaurant, a shop, a car park… dealing with council staff who don't seem to understand they are public servants. 'They are meant to serve the public. He's shown how difficult they make things. Third, and most importantly, he's shown how hard it is to be a farmer.' Previously, it was reported that two couples Noel and his wife Elizabeth Davies became friendly with in Matakana came with them to the village in South Island, and lived in Edmonds' property, and worked on the estate. This led many to joke the former Breakfast Show host was creating a 'commune'. Commune or not, in his controversially-named pub, it's been said that Edmonds sells an array of X-rated drinks including a lager called T*ts Up and a 'ladies favourite' called the Dickens Cider. The publication report while Edmonds justifies this as 'Kiwi' humour, some locals deem all this 'Benny Hill stuff' unacceptable. Within the beautiful backdrop of forest and snow-capped mountains, locals aren't happy and would only speak to the publication anonymously, given the close-knit community in which they have to live side-by-side with Edmonds. 'He's got this attitude… about how he's improved the place and made it amazing – it was already amazing,' one woman said. 'I just feel like he's a coloniser and… he's come in like the Lord of the Manor,' said another local. Edmonds' estate's catchphrase is 'positively together' and he told the publication he was acquiring property to 'make a difference'. 'I'm here… to give, to make a difference. My love has always been the environment, the countryside. I haven't just been buying property for the sake of it,' he said. Noel has also raised eyebrows within the community by beetling around in 'brand new Ford Ranger Wildtraks, jacked up on huge wheels and pimped out with light bars, aerials' complete with sirens and a loud 'public address system'. Apparently convoys of these vehicles would motor up and down the valley, with lookers-on wondering what the hell was going on. His number plates also reflect his NSFW, er, humour as he reportedly likes playing around with the number 4 and letter Q to spell out 'f**k you.' Noel claims he wants to assimilate himself into the community, and recently paid the village school's £3,000 bill for traffic management during the village's annual bustling festival. When the reporters met up with him, at one point he said they should be asking him how he looks so good at his age. For anyone wondering, it's a daily session of electro-magnetic field therapy and one hour a week in an oxygen chamber. When asked whether he can pronounce the name of his home village now – after confessing to not being able to when he arrived – the Noel's House Party star replied: 'Yeah, I'll pronounce it the way that somebody said last week, that it's Noeltimoti.' In a recording obtained by the publication, Edmonds can be heard raising his voice to a woman named Belinda Crisp, a cycle trail manager who agreed to meet with the TV star on his estate to discuss a previously approved cycle trail through one of his properties. Before Edmonds moved to the area last year, the Nelson Tasman Cycle Trail Trust had approval from the Tasman District Council and the Government to build a cycle trail here as part of the region's Great Taste Trail. Expecting a logistical conversation about how they could make it work for everyone, Crisp was instead greeted by a voice recorder in River Haven's café and a bristled Edmonds after she explained who she worked for. 'When he heard [the council], he said, 'you're the servant and I'm the ratepayer, so I'm the master',' Crisp recalled. More Trending In the tape, he can allegedly be heard saying: 'All hell's gonna break loose, right. And while you, still, have this attitude you are not welcome here. Don't even think about having a coffee, having a slice… you are our enemies.' He raised his voice: 'You are our enemies. You have to be defeated otherwise you're gonna bring down this wonderful country. 'Yes you are, because you're so proud. Anyway, good luck with it. As we say in Britain, 'on yer bike'.' This article was first published on November 4, 2023. Got a story? If you've got a celebrity story, video or pictures get in touch with the entertainment team by emailing us celebtips@ calling 020 3615 2145 or by visiting our Submit Stuff page – we'd love to hear from you. MORE: MP holds up a naked photo of herself in parliament to prove an important point MORE: Teenager dies after 'dangerous' social media rugby trend

Wales Online

2 days ago

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'I learned a valuable lesson after visiting Jeremy Clarkson's Diddly Squat Farm'

'I learned a valuable lesson after visiting Jeremy Clarkson's Diddly Squat Farm' It's no secret that Jeremy Clarkson is a very hands-on farmer and loves to meet his fans, but unfortunately for one adventurer they didn't get the chance to see him in action Jeremy Clarkson announces Season 5 of Clarkson's Farm is in production As a devoted fan of Jeremy Clarkson's Diddly Squat Farm show, I was thrilled at the prospect of visiting the famed Oxfordshire site and perhaps even catching a glimpse of the former Top Gear presenter himself. According to steadfast fans who have had the pleasure of meeting Jeremy, he is said to be an extremely welcoming host, often willing to pose for a photo or two with fortunate visitors to his farm, when he is around. ‌ I was over the moon when my partner surprised me with a memorable birthday present - a quick weekend getaway to the Cotswolds, including an overnight stay in the idyllic town of Chipping Norton. ‌ This was the perfect chance to see the much-loved farm in all its splendour and possibly even mingle with some of the show's stars, including Gerald and Kaleb Cooper, who, despite sharing a surname, are not related. As enthusiastic walkers and fans of Jeremy's show, we were keen to make the most of our brief two-night stay, setting off early on Saturday morning for the two-and-a-half-hour car journey to ensure we didn't waste a single moment, reports Surrey Live. I didn't sadly get to meet Jeremy on person Article continues below Unfortunately due to torrential rain and cold weather, our plans to visit the Diddly Squat Farm Shop first were put on hold. Little did we know, this last-minute change would turn out to be the biggest mistake of our entire trip. We had neglected to check if Jeremy's Farm was actually open before rearranging our schedule due to the poor weather. ‌ To our disappointment, we discovered upon arrival the next day that his well-known establishment is closed to the public on both Mondays and Tuesdays. A quick pit stop in Castle Combe village before the rain came As we navigated country lanes, it dawned on us that Jeremy's farm was significantly more remote than anticipated, and despite warnings of likely congestion, we were elated to seemingly bypass any tailbacks. Article continues below However, our arrival at the cherished Diddly Squat Farm was met with a deserted car park and a mere rope signifying the farm was "closed". Fortunately, the journey wasn't entirely in vain as we achieved the coveted Diddly Squat Farm sign photo for Instagram, remarkably without another soul in sight. Clarkson's Farm is available to watch on Prime Video.